renewing...

"consult not your fears, but your hopes and your dreams."

(pope john xxiii)

 

 

i can't tell you how good today felt.

 

it was like the biggest weight had been removed off of my shoulders. i knew that the last couple of months had been rough, and the scans and results loomed large. i had no idea how much weight i felt like i was under until he told us that the scans came back clean. i feel almost as if i was floating today compared to how i have felt since the blow that came with the stage iv diagnosis. i could get use to this feeling;)

 

these scans did show some enlarged lymph nodes in my chest area, but they showed up on the last scan as well. although they are on the larger side, and they changed shape a bit from the last scans in january, they are still within the normal range for lymph nodes so we are not worried now. we will continue to watch them in my next scans (end of july). because they are in my chest, if they became a problem, surgery would be an unlikely (but not counted out) option and we would more than likely have to implement treatment at that point. but we all know that isn't going to happen, right? right. so moving on....

 

in my post yesterday, i talked about one of the things that i am going to do is renew some of my magazine subscriptions. i have had some subscriptions that came due in february after i got the stage iv diagnosis. i could not get myself to renew those. my mind would play games with me about these scans not coming back clean, and if that was the case, i a) would have a lot of other things to do other than read my favorite magazines, and b) why would i order something that i wouldn't be able to totally use? i know, not happy thoughts - but you know what, they are part of the reality of what i mentally go through and it isn't all happy. but it is all real, and it is all tough. tougher than you can imagine. the agony that went into what would be a five minute process on my computer was just too much. renewing those subscriptions felt like i was tempting fate to call my bluff, like i was being too cocky to think that things would be fine and i was just asking cancer to punish me for it.

 

as you know from reading this blog, i try my best to be positive and i think that i do a damn good job at being brave and fighting hard. but i also write this blog to be honest and to share what it is like for me to live with cancer. i feel like giving you all glimpses into how little decisions can be so hard provides you with a view in you might not otherwise have. it may help you to consider some of the realities other friends/family with cancer may go through, that you would have not otherwise ever known. at least that is my hope by sharing so many aspects of my story. so look out "where women create" and "mamaloade", you are going to see some renewals coming in from me and i can't wait to start reading;)

 

may is skin cancer awareness month. monday, may 6th is melanoma monday and it is the one day specifically focused on melanoma awareness. since melanoma is known as the "black beast", black is the color of the ribbon that indicates melanona awareness. on monday, i hope that you will join me and wear black to honor all of the melanoma warriors that have already finished their fight and all of those still in the midst of their fight. thank you in advance.

 

chaser had a good day today, super happy about that. i figured he was due for a good day today since yesterday was a bit tough. also, i wanted to share that we have now got enough peeps signed up for the "fun mail for chase, ava, and tanner campaign" that the kids will get mail every week of this entire year!!!!! how awesome is that? yep, pretty awesome. you all seriously rock (but i totally already knew that).

 

here is the latest on our little warrior:

 

+++ Good morning. It may be crummy out, but maybe the kids and I can build another Chilly in the yard again tonight if enough of the white stuff comes down :) Chaser had a great night with Gramma Judy. He fell asleep right after mom left, woke up for a couple hours in middle of night, then drifted off into dream world until a small storm woke him up this morning. The J-Tube continunes to keep us on our toes, with today being no acception. Chaser brought up some feed this morning, which more than likely means the tube has moved into his stomache. We are waiting to hear when he can go down to Regions IR to X-Ray, and reposition if need be. We are still considering the more permanent version of this feeding tube- I just have a problem with him going under general anesthsia for the initial operation, and any problems that occur in the future, will require the same procedure. I spoke with the doctor this morning, and they are going to remove the casts that were placed on his feet yesterday- not because of discomfort, but because there is some moisture build up that may cause more harm than good. Hopefully his custom ordered braces will arrive soon. He has a full day of Therapy that will go on as schedualed. Gramma says he is doing GREAT this morning, seems well rested and in a good mood- Heres to another good day of Therapy! - Thank all of you for the prayers sent up for Lisa's cousin Alli- her scans came back cancer free!! Have a good day everyone......

 

+++ Just had to drop a note with the good news. Chasers tube was fine, the X-Ray showed it right where it was placed. We are not sure why he spit up feed. The Nurse has turned down the feed level, thinking maybe it was building up down there. I stopped in to have a quick lunch with Gramma and to see Chase. He was just getting done with Therapy and was very tired. Before I left, I put my face next to his, he rolled his eyes over to me and looked me right in the eyes. He gave me a look that made it all ok- then he drifted off to sleep. He is resting now, with a couple therapy sessions to go......going to be a great day!

 

+++ Chase had a great night! He was surrounded by laughter all night. He took us on tour of some of his favorite places at the hospital. We got to see his PT rooms, the outside garden area, and some of the halls he rolls through during his daily routines. He was very relaxed but alert all night. You can see the differences in Chase from visit to visit. His eyes are so different from the early days after the accident. They have a sparkle to them that was not there for a few weeks which gives me so much hope. He continues to use his expressions to communicate how he is feeling. His eyebrows are very expressive, as well as the sighs he lets out. He looks great, better every single time I'm here. I can't even imagine where he will be in a month, or two months. This little guy has so much in him yet. He is going to give this journey all he's got. Tomorrow his schedule is packed with therapy from morning on. More work, more progress. Go get 'em Chaser!

 

happy thursday peeps, our weekend is almost here. looks like it is going to be a gorgeous one here this weekend, loving that.

 

sidenotes:

+++ for obvious reasons, i loved this article called coming back from stage 4 melanoma (thanks mary for sharing:))

+++ for all the moms out there, if you need to drop some hints on a gift, you may want to check out these coupon books ;)

+++ this video, the most valuable photo mom captures, was so worth the ten minutes it took to watch it. a great reminder to get in the pictures with your kids. i am trying to do that now more than ever.