momma love

long day.

today was one.

but nothing that some dinner at "chicken robin" and a game night couldn't make better.

speaking of "chicken robin", i would like to say a big thank you to whichever of you was the generous person who did a random act of kindness for us. we got a card from red robin with 'a random act of yumness' note and a gift card for $25. the note told us that a little birdie told them that malena and i like "chicken robin", and that they wanted us to enjoy a meal on them. so if you are that little birdie, know that we appreciated it very, very much and we had a great time. thank you so much for your kindness in doing that.

i have heard a lot of great things about the book "momma love - how the mother half lives" by ali smith. so i ordered it and it came today. i knew that i was meant to have this book. i can tell already with only barely skimming through that i am going to pretty much love this book. the last paragraph of the intro by ali reads "some of these stories will resonate with you. others will piss you off. that is inevitable, and is as it should be. but what i believe may emerge is the commonality in the experience of living life as a mother rather than the differences in the details. and i'm confident that in one or in many stories, you will find a reflection of your own experience. i hope you will find strength in these shared truths."

as i was flipping through the book, i saw that the pictures are amazing (which i had heard a a a lot about). i can't wait to read each and every one of the stories. ironically (or maybe not so much), one of the first stories that i turned to was about a woman called diana joy colbert and the title was "i don't know what kind of mom i would have been if i hadn't got sick." i haven't read her story in its entirety, but my eyes fell on the following text first. "a year of my life has been spent wondering if i'm gonna die before i'm forty-one and how my daughter's going to grow up without a mother. but, you know what? things are gonna work out. it looks very grim but i can't dwell on what what we don't have because we have so much. leukemia really focused me and made me realize how beautiful my life is and how much love i have. we have so many people willing to help that i just need to focus on that. we're not gonna starve. we've still got friends and family. the universe is an abundant place and i just feel like we're gonna be taken care of. and being a mom inspires me to get better. i know two people - one of them was an orphan and the other's mother died when she was fifteen- and they're both great people. they both turned out great. i think lily would turn out fine without me, but i just don't want her to have to. i really want to have a friendship with her while she grows. i want the privledge of watching her become a person. and that inspires me to do whatever i have to do. i want to see her as a teenager, a twenty-year old, i wanna see who she becomes. to fight for my own life just for me would be so much harder. but it's not just me. i'm not alone in this."

tears. tears. tears.

i wanna see who malena becomes.

so i continue to fight and be brave. each and every day, and it honestly is a fight each and every day for one reason or another. but the fight is worth it.

i can already tell you that when i finish reading this book, i am going to write on the first page to malena. i want her to have this book when she is older as a reminder that the greatest gift i ever got was being her mom, and i never could have imagined the joy that momma love has brought me. i intend to give it to her myself when she is old enough to understand the significance of what it means to me.

i knew i was meant to have this book. i was so right about that. but i didn't realize until today that malena and i were both meant to have it.

love it when life turns out just as it was meant to.