here we go again (for what seems like the millionth time)

“nobody will protect you from your suffering.  you can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away.  it's just there, and you have to survive it.  you have to endure it.  you have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.” 

(cheryl strayed)

+++ the winner of the "kicking ass and taking names" contest was my brother;) so cool! i told him that all of the girls who had entered the contest would be super jealous of him:) thanks big brother for rooting on your little sis, i think that you kick ass.

+++ my mom and i packaged up all of the bracelets today, my dad is going to be a trooper and take them to the post office for me tomorrow (love you dad!). so if you wanted one, it will be on its way to you tomorrow. i still have more bracelets left, so if you want one let me know and i will send it your way.

+++ thanks for continuing to send good thoughts and prayers to chase, our little captain america. our fun mail campaign for ava, tanner, and chase will now continue into december as a couple more peeps have graciously signed up - i am hoping that we can get a few more to sign up so that we can send mail every week this year!! here are the latest updates from today:

 - "Chaser has had a busy morning once again. He finished the night off with pretty agitated storm- but once under control, he managed to get 5hrs or so of a good hard sleep. He woke up to another powerful storm about 6am, and began bringing up some of his feed- with isn't good. This made it pretty obvious that the J-Tube we had put back in on Friday, had moved and was now sending feed and meds into his stomach. We went down to X-Ray to confirm this, and sure enough, it looks like his he fought a little hard last night and moved it over with his stomach muscles. We got right into Regions 3rd floor X-Ray room, where the doctor installed J-Tube #3, and made sure it is where it needs to be. Chaser handled it like a champ. The 40mins it took, he managed to stay fairly calm, and keep his storming down to a minimum- which had to be tough, considering you are laying on a cold, hard bed, with someone digging in your tummy with cables and tubes. We are now back in the room, feeds and meds going down nicely- Chaser is spending a little more tummy time to calm him down. He has plenty of visitors on the way to see him, and we are looking forward to showing off our new little getaway- the nature garden. Heres to a good day! :)"
- "Chaser had a great afternoon with the outlaws. Although his N-storms were seemed to consume a good portion of the day, they were managable. We spent a few hours outside soaking up the fresh air and enjoying the nice weather with family and friends. Chaser continues to add "firsts" to his list . Today he added a new facial expression to the others that we have noticed, and his moans and groans seem to be becoming louder and more frequent. With his vitals stable, and storm under control, we left him tonight in good hands with Gramma Judy. we fired up the grill and hung out with the outlaws at home tonight . As the rain trickles down on the windows and washes the dry winter dust away, Chase sleeps peacefully next to Gramma, resting up for another monday filled with therapy. Sleep tight buddy....God is good!"

+++ well, here we go again. monday at 4:00 i get poked and proded for what seems like the millionth time. no eating for four hours before that. bloodwork. iv put in my arm (let's hope they find the vein the first time). saline injected into the iv, the awful taste in my mouth. drinking the contrast for an hour which always sucks in a big, big way. getting the contrast injected into my iv during the scans which also sucks in a big, big way. seeing those damn ceiling tiles that you know i hate. feeling like total crap after the scans are done. ugh, i dread all of it in a big, big way.

but on the bright side, i have barrett and ellie going with me. a tag team for entertainment. i have fun magazines so that ellie and i can check out the latest celebrity gossip. i bought straws this weekend, during my last round of scans pre-surgery, they gave me a straw for drinking the contrast and that made it easier to get down. so i am taking my own straws just in case they don't have any. i have my cinnamon bears ready to open after scans. i have a "be brave" shirt to wear that my in-laws made for me. i have my bracelet. i have all of the good mojo coming from all of you, what more could a girl need (except to not have the damn cancer in the first place, right?)?

so here i go, another round. i am literally dreading this, i think more than ever before. the stakes feel so much higher. because i know that cancer being back means the clock starts ticking, and that i will need a hell of a lot of luck to slow it down. but i know that the luck is out there, as i know stage iv melapeeps that are beating the odds as i type this (hi ladies!!).

as i head to bed tonight, i am going to focus on all of the things that i have done to try and get myself as prepared as possible. working less. more time with family and friends. eating more vegetables and fruit than i ever thought possible. juicing. vitamixing (i think that i just made that word up). giving up reisling. saying goodbye to candy. taking a million vitamins every single day. all new lotions and soap and shampoos and conditioners. drinking water like crazy. the list goes on and on. let's hope it all helped in some tangeable way.

thanks for all of the good vibes, thoughts, and energy you are sending me.

anywhere i go, you go.

bummed that the next two days we are going for scans and results (results are tuesday at 4:30).

regardless, i am glad you are coming with me.

i wouldn't want it any other way. xoxo