map

long time, no write.

i have debated writing a blog post every day since my last one, just about two weeks ago now. when i start to think about writing, i don't feel like i have anything to say, and so i don't say anything. feeling like there is nothing to say seems so ironic since there are so many things that i know i could say, if no other reason to just get them out of my head. maybe then my head would be a little bit quieter.

yesterday i had a good crying session, one that has been coming since those scan results. it felt good to get it out, it has been boiling and i knew that it was close to going over. the list was long. some more important than others. pregnancy (lack of in the future). work (stress, what to do next). self esteem (very low lately). time (not enough). paralysis (too many things swirling and not feeling like i can grab one thing to hold on to). on and on it goes.

it has been a tough couple of weeks, but life has been so busy i have been able to keep myself distracted most of the time. but in the quiet moments of the day, the tough parts of life creep in and take hold and i can't get my bearings very well.

today i got an email from a dear friend and she hit the nail on the head.

"been thinking of you lately...noticed that you haven't posted a blog entry in a while.  I can feel all the way over here in the middle west...the weight of the world is on your shoulders...I wish I had some good advice or words of wisdom that would serve as a flashlight to help you to find your way.  What I won't say is:  "Put one foot in front of the other and just keep walking" ...because that's exactly what you have been doing and don't want to do anymore.  You don't want to just "keep walking" - you want to be able to march toward something even if it's a place you haven't been before...you want to do the getting ready, the planning, the deciding how and when you will go - with directions in hand, map in your pocket, and a vision of what you will see when you arrive.  I know.  I can see that.  Maybe you should start listening to marching bands or drummers or something?:)"

she was right. i just need to make myself a map and decide how i am going to move forward.

the results left me in a place i didn't want to be.

but that doesn't mean that for the next 6 months i have to stay there.