time

"you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing that you think you cannot do"

(eleanor roosevelt)

my derm appointment on friday went great. he didn't see anything that he was worried about and so i am good to go until december unless i notice that something has changed with my skin. that was a big relief, i was very thankful to not have more results to be waiting on.

the weight of the scan results is still pretty heavy. i feel very overwhelmed by those results. on one hand, i know that in six months, we may find that the spot has not grown. even if it has grown, and we biopsy it, it may not be melanoma. i know that. i try really hard to remember that. but then there is the other hand, i don't like that one as much. that hand is the one holding melanoma. sometimes i feel like i literally hear a clock going "tick tock, tick tock" in my brain counting down the seconds of my life.

this is a hard place to be. i really want to put those scans that are in the future out of my brain and just focus on this year and making the most of out of it. but i also want to get some of the things done that i want taken care if those scans aren't good. i want to scrapbook photos for malena. i want to do our wedding album. i want to get our will finalized. i want to try new recipes. i want to make creme brulee for the first time. i want to get a card published in my favorite craft magazine. i want to play with malena as much as possible. i want to have date nights with barrett. i want to hang out with my friends and laugh. i want to spend time with my family. the list goes on and on. with that clock in my head, i get really overwhelmed with how much i want to do and how quickly those ticking seconds pass by.

the big reason that i get overwhelmed is that there is just so much that i want to do and i want to feel like i have all of the time that i need to do them. but we never know how much time we have, as evidenced again by the very tragic events in colorado. 

part of what i also struggle with when thinking about those things that i want to do is that it feels like by actually doing them i am checking things off of my list before something bad happens. so then i don't get started. a vicious little repetitive cycle.

i am really scared of what is to come, i am even more scared that it won't be good. i try to be brave and strong most of the time, but there are times when i really just want to curl up in a little ball because i feel too paralyzed and overwhelmed to know what to do next.

but life doesn't wait for me to be scared, those seconds keep ticking.

so i will just keeping putting one foot in front of the other. taking in one deep breath at a time.

i will end up wherever i am meant to be, and i am sure that i will be right on time.