benign

my favorite word.

my dermatologist called today. i missed his call and saw a voicemail on my phone from his number. i closed my office door and looked at the voicemail prompt for about two minutes. i worked myself up to listen to the message. what a relief. i think that i will actually sleep tonight.

i really like getting good news. there is still that part of me that feels like i should quietly celebrate to not draw attention to myself from the cancer gods. there is still that part of me that wonders why i get good news when other cancer patients don't. there is still that part of me that is happy. there is still that part of me that feels thankful. there is still that part of me that feels guilty. there is still that part of me that thinks i am one more good result away from cancer. there is still that part of me that thinks i am one more good result closer to a relapse.

tonight i went out with some friends for a happy hour to celebrate two dear friend's birthdays. i didn't say anything about my results. i figured i could do that tomorrow. i knew that they would want to know the results. but i just wanted to enjoy a night with my friends. to hear their laughter. to see their smiles. to listen to their stories. i didn't feel like cancer deserved to be part of the night. so i enjoyed the time. i didn't give cancer the satisfaction of being included in the time that was about my good friends celebrating another year of life.

benign.

how sweet it is.