sleep, i miss you so

i am really, really tired. i have not got much sleep this week, when i have been able to fall asleep, i have nightmares. i have had stretches of nightmares throughout treatment, they tend to come in batches around scans and appointments or other stressful times. i had already planned to have yesterday off to go to my oncologist appointment and then go to the mariner's day game. the plan for the m's game changed when i heard about jim, so after my oncologist appt, i came home and wrote my blog and hunkered down with my sadness. i took today off too, i was just not in shape to pull myself together and be around people. i felt proud i made that decision because i typically would have got it together and gone in to work. but, i have learned over the last year that work continues without me, i work with good and talented people. they can handle it. taking care of work is not as important as taking care of myself. i don't make that decision every time, but i am working on it and am better at taking time than i was a year ago. i plan to go back tomorrow to catch up a little bit and it is a friday so that typically lends itself to a little slower pace. i probably just jinxed myself by writing that.

this afternoon i ran a couple of errands on my way to get malena. after i took my shower, i forgot to put on my ointment and bandaids over my stitches (which i didn't realize when i left the house) and bruises. i had to run in to bartell's to drop off a prescription and picked up a couple of other things. as i was checking out, the cashier asked me what happened to my arms. it jarred me a bit because i am so use to having my bandaids on that i don't get questions typically and didn't realize until that moment that i forgot to cover my stitches. i told her that i had some moles removed, and she said that her husband has wanted her to have some moles looked at for over a year. she said it is just one of those things that she says she will do but never does. i felt my stomach do a complete somersault. i then immediately felt tears coming as i was barely holding it together to begin with. i am sure that it was just a second, but a ton of thoughts went through my head that i wanted to say to her - the primary one being run, don't walk, to the derm's office. listen to your husband, he sounds pretty smart. you don't want to go through what i have gone through. you could die. all i could get out was to tell her that she should really go and have those looked at. a very surreal moment. made me feel like i should create a pamphlet that i can whip out in similar situations - maybe like alli's 10 top ten list of reasons that you should go your derm asap. go. now. please.

i am going to take a couple days off from updates so the next update will probably show up on monday. btw, for those of you that get the updates via email, in most cases i have posted the blog the day before. i know that can make it confusing as to which day i am talking about when i refer to "today" or "tomorrow" in the updates, but you can see the date that i posted it at the top of the email. there may be a way to figure out how to have the emails hit on the same day that i post them, but let's face it, that might be just a little too techie for me to figure out;)

take care all, have a good weekend. wear your sunscreen.