big day

my ultrasound and ct scan are tomorrow (wedn). i get the results at 5pm tomorrow with my oncologist. they are putting a request on the scans for them to be ready right away, so hopefully that will happen by my 5pm doc appt. typically scans occur on one day, and my appt occurs on the following day, which allows time for the scans to be read, etc. tomorrow will be different in that the scans and my appt to discuss the results will occur on the same day. let's hope that those directions for the scans to be read are followed.

these scans carry a lot of weight. they will show whether there are any changes in the area where my melanoma was removed. they will show whether or not the spot on my left lung has increased. they will show whether something is wrong on my right side. they will show if something we aren't even looking for is there. it may be that i will get lucky and there will be nothing new, there will be no increase in the spot on my lung, and there is nothing obviously wrong on my right side. that would be the jackpot. i would have to stop and buy a lottery ticket on the way home. maybe the results will be a mix. maybe i will strike out. less than 24 hours and counting. it seems like forever between now and 5pm tomorrow. not sure that i will get much, if any, sleep tonight as my head spins with all of the possibilities of what tomorrow may bring.

i haven't got much sleep in the last couple of days. the nightmares are back. when they hit, they come with a vengeance. i will spare you the details of this latest round. once they start, it is like they are on auto-play and when i try to close my eyes, the nightmare begins from the start again. hopefully tonight they will know that i have enough on my plate and will take it easy on me. they tend to not have a lot of sympathy on me so i am not holding my breath.

thank you for all of the support and kind words related to my post on saturday about my last shot, i really appreciate it. please know that i do see the messages although i have not been able to be very responsive.

i went in yesterday to have the stitches out on my left arm, and it was clear after one stitch was pulled, that my arm hasn't healed yet. i will go back in a week to hopefully have the stitches removed. one more appointment. maybe that will be my last one for a while.

i can only hope, and hope i do.