decision point

tomorrow is jim's funeral in vancouver. i spent the early part of the week deciding if i would go. after thinking about it quite a bit, i have decided to go. i think there is a large chance that i would feel very guilty if i decided not to go, and that would be really tough on me. the emotions i know are going to come from attending the service are also going to be tough on me. i can work through those in time. i anticipate having nightmares again and that my emotions will be running high for awhile. attending jim's service will no doubt be one of the toughest parts of the last year. but, none of this is easy, if it was, it wouldn't be cancer. it is a very sad part of the journey. maybe there will be some closure for me in being there to say goodbye. note i said some closure, i have zero anticipation that there will ever be total closure. i wouldn't want there to be anyways, i want to - and will - remember him.

i had my dermatologist appointment today to remove the rest of the abnormal tissue from my left arm. the incision is about three inches straight across my arm, and there is about a two inch incision across the middle of that incision. i basically have a very painful frankenstein arm. aleve has been my best friend today. i have been my own nurse today changing bandages and wraps throughout the day. i got the pleasure tonight of doing my shot in my other arm which was - as it always is - a great (you know that i don't mean it) way to end my friday. barrett had the pleasure (you know that i don't mean it) of being my shot giver and nurse to help with icing my incisions and changing my bandages. the results should come back next week. stitches come out in two weeks. have i mentioned previously how sick i am of being poked and stitched? thought so.

off to bed i go to see if i can manage to get some sleep with my two sore arms and swirling anxiety about tomorrow.