when cancer is told to suck it (it makes me happy)

i got some great news last night. my friend mike that has been fighting diffuse large b cell lymphoma had a bone marrow test last friday. his oncologist called yesterday to let him know that the test was completely negative -- as in 0.00% cancer. isn't that the best number ever? i think so too. i love (big time) the days when good news comes, a reminder that cancer doesn't always call the shots. in fact, sometimes it is told to suck it (big time), and you know i love that.

on thursday mary goes in for the first of two appointments this week. tomorrow is the ultrasound to determine the location needed for the surgery. let's hope it is as small of an area as possible so no skin grafting is needed. friday she meets with the surgeon. so send your mojo, luck, prayers and love to wisconsin over the next two days. i know that mary plans to tell cancer to suck it, she is in fact probably chanting that in her sleep right now as i type this;)

happy thursday all -- one more, super long, taking forever to get here, day -- and then friday. for a short week, it could not take any longer to get here.

sidenote:
+++ i have never met an andes mint that i haven't loved (thank you grandma josephine for introducing me to them), pretty sure that i am going to have to whip up a gluten free version of these. yum, yum, yum - give me some.

circles

“you have to put your flag down and draw a circle and inside that circle put all the things you love. your favorite memories and people you cherish and art and poems and all the rest. when something tries to slide into the circle you didn’t put there, you have to give it some serious thought whether or not it can stay. keep drawing circles and every so often, check in and see what has snuck in when you had your head bent over reading an email. if you find your circle is filled with things people you have said about you or ways in which you hate yourself, here is my advice, which comes, of course, with a grain of salt: pick up your flag and replant it. carry that unwieldy flagpole straight across the world if you need to and draw a new circle and make it smaller so less crap can come in.”

(jennifer pastiloff)

 

i am going to remember this and will pick up my flag and draw new circles whenever i need to from now on.

i hope you will do the same.

maybe we can meet up somewhere along the way.

i would like that.

 

around here

first, mary got her results on friday. the good news is that there was no melanoma in any lymph nodes or organs - yes! from the last surgery she knew that there was an area where clear margins were not obtained and further surgery was going to be needed. the not great news on friday was that there is another melanoma tumor in her leg that also requires surgery. so her 6th surgery will be coming up, but in mary's words "suck it melafuckanoma. i'm still winning!!" i love that attitude - don't you? i know, we all do. so we will have some more rooting to do for mary as she gets the logistics lined up for surgery. you are definitely still winning mary, and that is how it will be continue to be.

after getting mary's news, i felt like i could start breathing and the weekend could begin.

 

starbucks date with my girl. two good training runs in for the 10k. distillery tour in seattle (more on that soon). family. horse races. down time at home. it was a good weekend, i don't want to let it go.

i also have a couple of updates that i wanted to share:

on beth (her latest update from today):
"As of today I am off the pain meds. I have not taken any today. And it has been a long time that I was on pain meds and I think it's healthy to be off of them for a bit leading up to my next surgery. So this is a big deal.
I spent some time today with a good friend who hadn't seen me since I was in the hospital. And she reminded me of how far I have come. Rather than focusing on the things I don't do the same since I was diagnosed, I should celebrate the things I am doing and really how far I am come. She was amazed at how much more I was doing since she last saw me and I could barely get out of my hospital bed. I am taking the stairs again, I am going out in public and I look "normal" again, I am driving. She is right and I need to focus on how far I have come in the 2 weeks since I left the hospital. It already seems like so long ago, and I was still so sick when I got home. I was in a lot of pain and a big walk for me was walking my condo hallway a few times.
State of mind is so important in this fight and in life. And I am such a worrier and I struggle with how to stop myself. So I need these people around me to remind me that things are different this year but this disease does not define me and it will not take my spirit even though I am having an awful year. As I have mentioned before my body is being attacked so it does affect my emotions as well.
I still get more tired but I am only two weeks out of the hospital and you know, that is ok I get tired. I am trying to build my strength back up. I have been really sick for 2 months. But I am still getting out there and trying to do more each day.
So I will tell you about my weekend. Friday I got downtown and met with my Nordstrom stylist, yes I have a personal shopper and she is awesome. She bought me some nice fancy Nordstrom truffles as a gift to me. Saturday my mom and I went to a nursery to get flowers for my containers on my balcony and then I went out Saturday night to see a movie and get ice cream. Yesterday we went to church and then met up with some friends in the afternoon.. And today I went downtown to run errands and had lunch with a friend.. So as I look back I made a lot of good strides over the weekend. Today I drove by myself for the first time in months. It felt both weird and was also exhilarating.
I am still touched by people's support. Over the past few days I have heard from people from my college days who I have not really been in touch with since college and I am overwhelmed by their offers of encouragement and support, wanting to know what they can do to help. I was touched by my stylist giving me truffles. I am touched by Alli's happy mail campaign and getting cards and gifts from people who don't know me.
So as I get anxious for my mom to leave and for my upcoming surgery I want to remind myself of all these good things in my life and I am being watched over.
This week brings my mom leaving on Wednesday. It will be hard to see her go, the transitions are tough on us but she needs a break and it will be good for me to try and get back some of my independence even though I want people around me. My niece and nephew will be in town and they bring me so much joy and I can't wait to see those crazy kids. I meet with both my oncologist and radiation oncologist this week. I assume my oncologist will start to talk to us more about the next phase of chemo after surgery and I know it will be tougher. Sigh.
As always, thank you so much for your love, support and prayers"

on chaser (weekend update):

"With Uncle Chad behind the wheel, Chaser comfy in his mini recliner, Ava hanging in the top bunk, Tanner in the back, and the rest of us gripping tight for the 10-15hr trek ahead of us- The RV is loaded on its way to Indianapolis for the Indy 500!! I gave Chad the challenge to drive Indy style and not take any right turns- 35mins into it, hes doing good- but it could make for a long trip....

Chaser is has had a great couple of days. He has handled the absence of Keppra excellent- and we have started the weaning process of the Gabapentin this week as well. It seems like the allergy med we put him on has really helped. With a typical night of waking up every 2hrs to suction Chaser, we haven't had to once in the last two nights! Not once! - He has really been alert lately too. Today I was lucky enough to join mom and Chaser for PT with Kathy. We did more work with the NMES. I was really amazed at how cool that is. I posted a video a couple weeks back of him moving his fingers and pushing down blocks, but after seeing it in person, the video doesn't do it justice. - I put my hand in Chasers hand and watched and felt as he actually squeezed mine back. That may not sound like a big deal, but when you have been longing for that hug that your little guy used to give you the minute you walked in the door from work, it sure felt good! I get that the machine is making the muscles contract- but the beauty of it is this:
A- the muscles can still move that way
B- Hopefully it is training his brain to relearn how to make those motions-
C-Helps keep the elasticity of the muscles
D-He didn't moan or make a face once throughout the entire session- and looked like he was really trying
After therapy we made it to Ava's party in the park , and to Tanners classroom to see his Poster project of Gods Country (North Dakota) proudly on display. Chase handled it great- there is really something different about him today. He seems sooo there. I was telling Lisa that this is the best I have seen him be -looks, and mood since the accident. Shortly after I said that, he started to make some really cool noises again, as if trying to communicate. Lisa grabbed my phone to try and record, but of course once in the spot light he failed to perform. Take my word for it, if we would have recorded it and played it backwords, Im sure it would have been -Daddy ....Walleye!! I hope you all have a great weekend- I know we will! Thank you all for your continued support and prayers- we really appreciate it!

God is Good!!"

i hope that you all had a good weekend, and i hope that your tuesday is a great one. xo

sidenotes:
+++ if you signed up for happy mail for beth 2.0, you should now have an email from me with the info. if you don't have an email, let me know as i must have goofed somehow.
+++ if you haven't signed up for happy mail for beth 2.0 and would like to, let me know anytime.
+++ if you are a wonder woman in seattle and would like to run in the 10k in september, info is here
+++ if you would like to walk/run in the shore walk this year and aren't signed up yet to be on my alli's angels team, registration info is here

mary, part ii + weekend

thanks for all of the good vibes for mary's pet scan today, i know that it will bring good news tomorrow. at 11am wisconsin time on friday, mary gets the results. so keep the love, mojo, and prayers coming her way for the results that we are hoping for. i know it will be news that the margins are contained and one more surgery will take care of the black beast (for good). there is just no other option so that pretty much has to be how this goes down. thanks for the extra security with all of the good vibes you are sending her way.

i don't know about you, but i am ready for a weekend. this has been a long kick-me-in-the-ass kind of week. i am tired and ready for some down time, hoping that my work phone doesn't light up over the weekend. i can only hope.

in the meantime, the weekend will be full of good things. starbucks date with my girl. lunch date with my melonoma mate deb. running, lots of running. sleep, hopefully lots of sleeping. a visit from my sister (yay!!). horse races where i will hopefully win enough money to be able to retire and not go to work on tuesday (or ever again --- big money, no whammies). did i mention sleep already? time in my craft room. organizing the happy mail for beth version 2.0 (if you want to be part of the happy mail campaign let me know anytime). three campout nights. downloading some new music to listen to on my runs. getting some happy mail ready to send out. on and on it goes.

have a great weekend peeps, make the most of it. xoxo

important sidenote:
+++ mary -- you are going to get good news, i know that without a doubt. i will crack open a cold hard cider tomorrow to celebrate the news, i have it chilling right now. btw, f&ck cancer.
+++ one thing on my 6 month list (will share that soon) is to do a gallery wall in our living room. elise blaha cripe just listed this amazing print and i ordered mine right away and am super excited for it to come. if you too need a little inspiration to believe that the best is yet to come, you should get yourself one (they are limited edition and i can't actually believe that there are any left so hurry up. go now. don't wait. you aren't going fast enough).

for mary

on thursday at 11:15am wisconsin time my dear friend mary goes in for pet scans. after mary's last surgery in february to remove melanoma from her leg, the follow up scans showed that some of the margins were not clean. this scan is to determine if the only area of concern are those remaining margins (which i know will be the case as it is the only option), with the hope that another surgery to remove those margins is the only action that is needed.

it is classic melanoma irony to talk in terms of hoping that the news is good in that only a another surgery on her leg is what is needed. ugh.

melanoma has a way of making unpleasant outcomes (aka another surgery) turn into really good news compared to the other news the oncologist could be telling you.

so send your love, mojo, vibes and love her way on thursday and friday.

both mary and i thank you -- she has so loved getting all of the happy mail that has been sent to her since her last surgery.

i also happen to think that the shirt she is wearing in this pic is pretty great.

mary -- you have got this, no doubt about it, crank up those tunes to get you in fighter mode and show that pet scan and melanoma you mean business. f*ck cancer. xoxo

rabi, part ii

last september i wrote about rabi.

now it is time to write again, but there just really seem to be no words.

rabi now knows that he is in the final round of his fight against cancer, and is preparing to hang up his boxing gloves for the last time.

8 years of fighting since his first trip to the mayo clinic. that is a long time to be in the ring, there is no doubt about that. he has put those boxing gloves on more than enough times to be a champion. i think everyone who knows him knows that he was a champion long before cancer came calling.

after we got the news on thursday, my heart has been heavy thinking about rabi and the entire family. on friday night, i was on a run and spent most of my steps thinking about them and wishing we lived closer. so that in addition to our love and prayers, we could make food, do laundry, babysit, run errands, mow lawns, whatever was needed whenever it was needed. but the distance between washington and minnesota doesn't really allow us to do that, so we send our love out on the winds to be carried across the miles.

so i thought about what i could do for rabi.

i could run.

as you know, i decided last week that i was going to sign up for a 10k run -- the biggest physical challenge i have given myself yet (next to surviving cancer treatments for a year of course).

i will run the 10k for rabi. 

at this time when he is getting ready to hang up his gloves, i will carry his gloves and mine and we will do this 10k together.

every step i run between now and that finish line will be for rabi.

when i run, there are moments where i look down at my feet -- i think that i am subconciously checking to make sure that they are still carrying me along. i have a habit of always looking at my right shoe (don't ask me why, i have no clue). so that exact spot on my right shoe now carries rabi's name. i always carry him in my heart, but now on my runs i will carry him in eyesight as well.

so if you are looking for me between now and september, you can likely find me out with rabi hitting the pavement and training for this 10k goal.

we've got this.

champions always finish their fights.

love to you rabi and peterson clan -- we carry you with us everywhere we go.

anywhere we run, you run. xoxo

terms

today was one of those days. the joy and the shit days. when you feel the weight of carrying both, but the shit just seems a whole lot heavier.

a long work day -- even though in the grand scheme of life it isn't important (at all), a day full of hard conversations and constant problems and being talked to rudely by unhappy people can make for a really long day and leaves you trying to remind yourself why it is you keep showing up each day.

thinking of impending scans for a friend.

beloved friends saying goodbye to their cherished dog.

the words "hospice care" entering the necessary vocabulary of loved ones.

a friends impending surgery this week.

so you do the best you can do to make it through. you come home from a 13 hour work day and crack a hard cider. you put your favorite pants and t-shirt on and watch a disney movie for 45 minutes because that is what makes your 5 year old happy. you talk with your husband to swap stories of your day. you think about cracking a second (and maybe a third) cider because one just doesn't seem like it will be enough.

you remember that all of this, the shit and the joy, this is what you wanted to be here for. this is what you prayed for and what you begged for when you were in those scans two weeks ago. when you were laying in the dark room by yourself while you could hear your family below, but you couldn't join because you were radioactive, you hoped that life in two weeks wouldn't include doctors but would include living life on your terms.

as i learned along time ago, you don't always get things on your terms. so you keep showing up, saying your thanks, and looking for the joy that can tip the scale back to center.