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hello friday. i have missed you and am so, so happy you are here. it is about time.

am looking forward to...
+++a day off from work (finally) - woohoo!!
+++wine tasting
+++road trip with some of my favorite peeps
+++eating my favorite chex mix
+++a little (or maybe a lot;)) shopping
+++coffee store for some gluten free goodies
+++my mom's wonderful cinammon french toast - my mouth is already watering
+++quality time with my family
+++playing candyland (multiple times i am sure)
+++mailing out some fun easter mail
+++did i mention wine?

have a great weekend everyone...xo.

connections

today i got my first issue of mamalode - i know that i am going to love it.

here is how i know.

as i was looking through it briefly tonight, i saw the word cancer on one page and stopped flipping pages.

it was an article by libby ryder and i immediately read ever word. some words i could totally relate to.

"it wasn't about a grandmother or a friend's cousin. it was me. my body. my chest. my neck. i was the one with cancer. i had been walking around. living my life. nursing my baby. being a mom and a wife and a friend - and cancer was inside me. rapidly growing without my knowledge or permission. it was surreal. numbing, but not dramatic. not for us. there were tears, but just the slow kind that trickled down my face, not the wet streaming king. simple, genuine shock with a million questions and thoughts, but nothing was said. all i knew was someone just told me i had cancer and i had no idea what that meant."

"but i was justin's wife. ava's mom. what did this mean for him? her? our future? i didn't know where to begin."

"would someone else raise her? would she ever know me? that was not something i could say out loud. not yet. it was too shocking. too real. too scary. too many unknowns."

"the instant i was told i had cancer everything changed. the love i thought i had was no more. instead, it became deeper and richer than i ever knew it could."

"i was scared. but mostly i was in "go mode". i did what i had to do and i suprised myself."

"who would raise her like me? instead of being her mom, i could be part of a story someone told her. pictures she looked at. not even a memory, just a story. people would tell her things like, "you have your mommy's lips or her laugh." the mere thought of it broke me."

it is so good to read words you can identify with. helps with healing.

"every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life. a frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, loss of a job...and onwward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore. to be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another - that is surely the basic instinct...crying out: high tide! time to move out into the glorious debris. time to take this life for what it is."
(barbara kingsolver, from "high tide in tucson"

side(love)note:
+++ gloria - i got the update from mom today about no radiation/chemo - that is awesome news. we are so, so happy. give larry a big hug for us. also, i am making your chex mix on thursday, will eat a couple of big handfuls for you. xo.

monday, you make me tired

i am tiiiiiiired. i blame monday.

i could totally relate to this blog today from curly girl design. i was thinking about all of the things that i want to do, need to do, have to do and was feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment that i came across this. perfect timing.

i made an appointment for next tuesday to have my dermatologist check out a mole on my head. he has looked at it before but the color has changed a bit over the last couple of weeks. better safe than sorry, right? right. ugh.

sloooooooowly crawling into tuesday....

weekender

wow. this was a fast one, as they always are.

i told you we had a few things to do, and here are a few highlights:
-i found the perfect space in my craft room to hang this new angel from my mom-in-law. it is a kelly rae roberts piece and she said that it reminded her of me because the "tell your story" made her think of my blog. love it. thanks jo!

- we went to our favorite coffee shop for our gluten free goodies, apple juice, and an easter cookie with sprinkles;)

- bike riding in the sunshine
- hitting wiffle and real golf balls in the sunshine in our front yard and at a driving range, i will let you decide who you think hit them at each place;)
- detailed my car, i wouldn't say that was on the "fun" list - more like the "necessary" list - but i am loving it being so clean
- my massage, 90 minutes of heaven - i was a wet noodle leaving there. awesome.
- red mango pomegranate frozen yogurt. yum yum.
- discovering really tasty macaroni and cheese mixed with spinach at flying apron - i think (actually pretty much know) that it could (will) turn into a new addiction. so good.
- girl time in the craft room making cards
- malena decided that she doesn't need naps anymore...another transition begins.
- malena realized that she is an awesome driver (those skills are from her mom)
  
                             
- i drooled (literally i think) over the new restoration hardware spring 2012 catalog. i tried to convince barrett that we should buy all new furniture for our house. for some reason, he didn't think that was such a good plan. bummer.
- in the catalog, on the first page they had this quote from steve jobs "if you live each day as if it were your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." so true.
- hit jamba juice for malena's favorite mango drink (thanks aunt megan!)
- swim lesson, our last one before malena (our mermaid who is all about swimming and diving these days) moves on up to the next series
- poured over a new craft magazine and got inspired for some new card designs (hi abby!)
- i got my fred hutchinson newsletter and there was a story on the shore run/walk. great statistic - the event has raised $2.5 million for cancer research over the years. awesome.

sidenotes:
- i think that malena would love making these cupcakes
- we are going to take malena to see thomas the train this summer, can't wait! choochoo...
- crystal, beth, kristen - so excited to have you on the team!! woohoo!
- these scones look so good
- love that this designer does all of the small touches on her dolls herself
- excited to check out this blog, saw this recipe from the site and thought that malena would think it was so fun to make those cookies - have to put them on our "to bake" list

we begin again...hello monday.

hello weekend

so glad that the weekend is here. in some ways it seemed like this weekend took a really long time to get here, in other ways it seemed to come around very quickly because each day was packed. i am happy that it is here and that it looks to be filled with sunshine instead of rain. loving that.

when i wrote about the walk i should have told those of you that are interested in walking with me that i am doing the 5K walk (michelle - excited to have you on the team, hutchinsons/sheehan clan/wallace/jill/meg - thank you for your donations!). you can walk or run 5k or 10k, so if you are going to join the team, you can do whichever you like. the different distances start/end at different times but we can all meet up in the park afterwards for some fun:)

i have thought a lot about my friend jim this week. last year, i walked to support him, this year i will walk in his memory. i have also thought about him because the day of the walk last year was the last time we communicated before he passed away on august 2nd. so i could very much relate to this post and their words about the friends they have lost in the last year.

i could also relate to shannon's words in this post. like her, i too feel on an almost daily basis that something happens which makes me think that i am having a recurrence. on wednesday of this week my right side started to hurt again like it did in the fall when i had to go through all of the tests. when it started to hurt again i immediately thought it was the cancer coming on strong, that they just didn't find it last year. the pain has let up again, but not my worry about it.

i hope that you all have a great weekend, ours is going to include....
+++ a trip to the dentist for malena's check-up, hopefully we don't have to turn her upside down and make her laugh so that the dentist can see her teeth like we have had to do before;)
+++ malena riding her bike
+++ making easter decorations for our family
+++ birthday party for our friend cody as he celebrates the big #2
+++ ordering fairy pictures that we had taken of malena, wait until you see them - so cute!
+++ a massage - so excited!
+++ hitting golf balls
+++making cards
+++going to our favorite coffee shop (or coffee store) as malena calls it for gluten free banana bread and apple juice
+++ checking out my new "mingle" magazine (jill, it will head your way when i am done)
+++ red mango frozen yogurt (yum!)

have a great weekend all! xo

time to put my shoes on.....

registration is now open for the 2012 shore run/walk in seattle on june 10th. proceeds from the event, including registration fees, benefit the fred hutchinson survivorship program - a program that i have directly benefited from.

last year i did the walk for the first time with friends and family and it was an awesome experience. although i felt like hell and my legs were aching due to treatments, it felt so good to be doing something. to walk. to smell fresh air. to see the gorgeous views. to put one foot in front of other. to raise funds for a cause that i directly benefited from. to walk next to my family and friends. to make good memories. to feel loved and supported.

so i have created a team for this year's event called "alli's peeps". if you are in seattle, i would love it if you joined the team - you can walk or run different distances, you can choose the right one for you. if you would like to donate, i would really appreciate it. if you would like to send our team good thoughts on june 10th, that would be fabulous as well. all good vibes are much appreciated.

you can go to my personal page (and yes, i know that there are font errors, but i can't figure out how to fix that) to check out my page or to register to be on the team.

healing. one step at a time. here i go.

100

100 posts. how did that happen? i remember when i started last summer and thought that maybe i would do it through the end of treatment. but here we are. thanks for all of the support about this blog. i really, really appreciate it. it has allowed me to share things with you that i would not have otherwise - as much as i wish that it would, time would not have let me have 100 conversations with you to tell you all that i have told you by now. i know that i am more healed today for sharing my thoughts than i would otherwise be. for that i am so grateful. you read that words i write. for that i am so grateful.

"hold on to what is good, even if it's a handful for earth. hold on to what you believe, even if it's a tree that stands by itself. hold on to what you must do, even if it's a long way from here. hold on to my hand, even if someday i'll be gone away from you." (pueblo indian prayer)

this weekend was a mix of emotions. quality time with some of my favorite peeps, and down time at home playing match games with malena and barrett. perfect balance. but st. patricks day is always melancholy for me. at least it has been since my grandma josephine passed away on st. patricks day in 2002. i miss her every day. but on st. patrick's day my heart is much heavier. i so wish that malena could have held on to her hand.

i had a brutal nightmare early this morning. i woke up out of the nightmare and it took me a few seconds to realize that it was a nightmare. i was so tired all day from coming right out of that nightmare into the start of the day.

on friday, there was a blog update from melanoma mom and i always read every word she writes. i could very much identify with these words:

"melanoma is a crazy beast who attacks when and where she wants, oblivious to whom she is hurting, blind to the physical and emotional suffering of her captives. she doesn’t care what you want. she is not worried about your nightmares, the constant pit of dread contained in the belly of your family, or if your child will celebrate his high school graduation with both of his parents.  it seems that the difference between who she defeats and who is able to defeat her is almost entirely random."

and these ones...

"now that i am getting better, people keep telling me how great it is that i can get back to normal. i appreciate the sentiment, but the thing is there is no longer a normal and i can never go back. just like you can never go home again and you can’t step in the same river twice, you cannot look death in the face and then pretend you didn’t see it. you can go forward, but you cannot go back. so my new challenge is to figure out who this survivor is and how she is going to live up to all of the amazing gifts she’s been given."

and these ones...

"along this journey i have been extremely lucky to meet some of the strongest, bravest, most determined people i have ever met. i have met people who have been through much greater battles than mine and whose smiles outshine all others in the room. and the fact is treatment success is few and far between."

on friday, i also had a blog update on friday from william libby. his blog is william fighting cancer. although i have not ever met him in person, i consider him to be one of the strongest, bravest, most determined people i have ever met. i can tell that from the words that he writes. on the days that treatment kicked the side effects up a notch, i thought about him and his fight and immediately kicked my you-know-what into gear.

if you are sending good thoughts out into the world, please send some to both of them. also, send thoughts for my friend greta who will finish her interferon injections in july (greta, you are so close!).

another monday rolls around, no clue how that happened since it was just friday, but here we go.