for greta

"sometimes hope

seems silly

naïve

and a bit wasteful

exhausting

one-sided

and sometimes even

irrational

hope looks weary

feels weary

and heartbroken

heavy

or maybe that's disappointment

who pals around with hope

upstages it at times

because hope is kinda like that

quiet

but not weak

never weak

well, i wouldn't turn my back on it"

(fiberandink)

another angel gets her wings

"aunt: a cherish friend and personal cheerleader

that will always see you through rose colored glasses"

(unknown)

early this morning we lost my beloved auntie doreen.

my mom and my auntie carolyn lost their sister.

all of us kids lost our aunt.

my cousins lost their mom and their kids lost their grandma. 

and the losses in our immediate and extended family and her friends go on and on. a lot of people are broken hearted tonight. that i know for sure.

she went into the hospital last night, i could hardly sleep all night, and when i got the call from my mom early this morning in the darkness, i knew she was gone as soon as my phone started to ring. 

so my day was spent at home with my tears and my memories and many calls and texts back and forth with my family. i am fighting this cold still and do not want to risk getting anyone sick or myself sicker before i have treatment on wednesday. 

i could never count the memories i have with her. so many of them filled with her laughter. 

oh her laughter. it was one of the best i have ever heard.

this picture is from just a few weeks ago when we went to see her for christmas. this would be the last time we would see her without any of us knowing it.

i am so thankful that we took this last picture with her, you can see her smiling and starting to laugh because we had to take it a couple of times to actually get her to look in the right spot;)

she was one of my most favorite and treasured women on this planet, and always will be for all my days to come.

she leaves the pieces of my heart clinking around in the bottom of my feet. truth be told they haven't really come back together at all since we lost my grandma and greta put down her boxing gloves.

i like to think that tonight they are all having a good laugh together and sending all of us a bunch of love.

i don't know why our family has to go through so much pain in such a short time. 

but i know that we have some pretty great angels watching over us.

and for that, and for all of my memories with them, i am beyond thankful.

i love you auntie doreen to the moon and back again. i am so glad that malena and barrett got to love you too.

they too get to be some of the lucky ones who were loved by you.

lucky, lucky us.

what a special and honored club to be in.

xoxoxo

mend

i have chosen "mend" as my word for 2018 (if you have a word of the year, you can get a heart talisman made with your word by going to my friend liz's soul mantras shop, and you can also enroll in my friend ali's one little word class).

i feel like there are a million ways that i could/need to mend this year, and so it seemed like the right word for me to carry through this year.

hands down, 2017 was the hardest year of my life and it ended on an especially tough run with the loss of my grandma and my friend greta within a week of each other over the holidays.

i have a lot of ways that i intend to mend this year and had intended to write about that in this post. but i have come down with the cold that everyone else in the world has and it has just totally wiped me out. so those will be words to fill another post soon.

during the holidays (the day after christmas at 7am - no rest of the weary) i had another treatment and all of my blood work was looking good. my next treatment is on wednesday of this week (for some reason this week my treatment is off its regular monday schedule).

i will then have scans on the 19th, and results on monday the 22nd and treatment pending the results (which my anxiety is already very high about). so that is life the next two weeks medically for me.

this weekend greta's family (see previous post if you need a reference) celebrated her life and she was on my mind all weekend as was her family. please continue to send her husband wallace and their son traz love and prayers as they find their way forward without her physically with them each day.

monday is the cancerversary for my friend beth. even after the years that have gone by, i still remember her calling me like it was yesterday. i will never forget where i was or what i was doing or her voice when i answered. ever. so please send her your love and prayers tomorrow too because as you know from reading my blog, these anniversary dates are so hard emotionally to get through.

more to come from me soon, i hope that all of your new years are off to a great start.

happy 2018 peeps.

++important sidenote 1: for the awesome person that sent me the starbucks sets of cups, thank you - thank you - thank you. there was no note and so i am not sure if that was intentional or not, but i am hoping you read this and know that i got them and love them. thank you. xo

++ important sidenote 2: thank you to everyone who sends me happy mail, i have not been able to thank you all individually. yet. but know that i get the mail, i love it, and i appreciate you for sending it (insert huge heart emoji here).

she laid her gloves down for the last time

"on the death of a friend,

we should consider that the fates through confidence

have devolved on us the task of a double living,

that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend's life also,

in our own, to the world."

(thoreau)

this morning i woke up to the news that my friend greta had laid down her fighting gloves for the last time in her long fight against melanoma.

in her husband wallace's words, "greta put her fighting gloves down after a long and courageous battle with melanoma. she passed with the same gracious dignity with which she lived life. please keep our family in your prayers."

there are many things that i could write about how i am feeling and the complete sadness that immediately washed over me as soon as i read those words. and maybe those words will someday fill this space.

but for now, i just ask that you send your love to wallace and traz and their family and friends as they find their way forward without her physically being with them each day.

she was one hell of a fighter, and i will wear my gloves they gave me in her honor and continue the fight.

much love and prayers to their family, i know that i will never forget her or her friendship, i know there are countless others in this world that are feeling the same tonight. it is very clear that she was loved by so, so many.

she will never be forgotten. that i know for sure.

anywhere i fight, she will fight right along with me.

she gave me the best gloves to get in the ring with after all.

i will give it everything i have got, and i will take comfort in knowing she will always still be in my corner of the ring.

goodbye my friend, you will be missed more than you know.

xo

bittersweet holidays this year + an ask to send love

"say not, in grief, that she is gone, but give thanks that she was yours"

(unknown)

we lost my beloved grandma dot wednesday during the middle of the night.

she lived 95 full years.

this picture of her with malena is one of my most favorite pictures i have of her. they were goofing around on easter of this year with some funny glasses that malena had got.

i had the chance to see her last weekend, she was sleeping soundly from the meds, and didn't know that we were there. but i knew in my heart that it may be my last time to see her, and i stayed by her and gave her a kiss goodbye without waking her. and i held out hope that maybe life would give me the chance to see her again. but that was not in the cards, and i am thankful that when she left us she was not alone and she was not in pain.

i could hear my phone ringing early thursday morning when i was in the shower and i knew.

she was gone.

it is those life moments when you just know. my sister said the same thing, when she saw her phone ringing and that it was our mom she knew before she even answered that grandma was gone.

i stayed home on thursday with barrett and malena to grieve. and the tears fell all day.

and they continue to do so.

it would have been hard to lose her at anytime, at the holidays feels especially rough.

i will have more to write about her in the future, but for now, i am just keeping her in my heart, giving myself time to just be sad, and the words will come when i am ready.

the holidays are upon us and they are as always, bittersweet for me. the feeling of being in the moment with my family and friends, and that voice in my head that wonders what life will look like during the holidays next year. but i try to focus on my counselor telling me to try my best to stay in the moment. this year feels incredibly hard since i am in the trial and because of the scan results we got and now with the loss of my grandma. but i am doing my best and that is all i can do.

i wish you all a very happy holiday season, may it bring you peace, comfort and joy whether you celebrate solo or with friends and family or some combination of both.

in closing and very close to my heart, i ask that you send your prayers and love to greta, wallace, and traz in new jersey. greta is preparing to put her fighting gloves down for the last time in her fight against melanoma. send them all the love you possibly can. thank you.

peace to all of you, enjoy your holidays. xoxo

 

long monday

today was a long one as to be expected.

a couple of hiccups along the way, as to be expected.

bloodwork went as expected. but when we met with the trial team, they told me i had to continue to fast until after my infusion was going. so i didn't get to eat until 12:30 which isn't a huge deal, but i was so hungry by the time that i could eat.

in total, two rounds of bloodwork from my port, two rounds of ekgs, one nivo infusion, one iron infusion, one round of oral meds, waiting for test results, four rounds of vitals, lot of warm blankets, and when all was said and done - we were there for about 7.5 hours by the time we walked out the doors. 

we talked with my counselor for an hour, and i am not going to go into what we talked about (at least not yet anyways), but i can tell you that it was a tear filled hour. it was emotionally exhausting but good at the same time. good in that i said some words that i haven't been able to say yet, and she gave us some good ideas of things to talk about and think about as we move forward. let's all keep our fingers crossed that this counselor doesn't move on me, or i might have to stalk her and go where she goes. for reals. but not in a scary way;)

i fell asleep on the way home. sat on the couch next to my mom when i got home, fell asleep again, and laid down with my legs across her like i did when i was a kid. i was lights out.

up for the rest of the evening as i have to take  my second round of meds at 10:30pm since i took my first round so late in the day. brutal at this point as i am so tired. but it is what it is.

at the same time i was getting my infusion, my friends michael and jennifer were we at UW as she is having her latest round of scans to see what the cancer is doing. hopefully it is doing nothing and shrinking or at least not growing. they get their results on friday. please send your love and prayers and mojo to them all week as we need those results to be what they want them to be on friday. thank you (insert big heart emoji here).

well, i am off to eat now so that i can take my meds. 

thanks for all of the support and good thoughts ---- and thank you especially for sending them to michael and jennifer. 

anywhere i fight, you fight - and today we put in one hell of a round. you can tell by those kick ass gloves that we weren't messing around. xoxo

it's one of those mondays

"i like living.

i have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow;

but through it all i still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing"

(agathie christie)

yep, it is one of those mondays.

treatment day.

but due to the trial, i have to fast for this one.

bloodwork starts at 7:40am.

then two ekgs at 8:30.

then doctor appointment and meet with clinical trial lead.

then infusion of my drug should start around 11:30.

then i take my trial drugs.

then my infusion of iron around 12:30.

then either home to rest or work, depends on how the day goes.

the gloves above are new boxing gloves that were sent to me from my friends greta and wallace in new jersey. greta is also a stage iv melanoma fighter and is now home with hospice care. i have wrote about them many times and recently in this space. please continue to send them all of the love and prayers you can. they sent me these gloves and told me to keep on fighting. 

so tomorrow i will pick up these gloves and put them on and officially walk back into the ring. although i have a couple of weeks in on the trial, i don't think know i was not fully ready to pick up any gloves again.

but tomorrow i will.

for wallace and for greta and for their son.

they asked me to keep fighting, and one fighter doesn't let another fighter down.

i had a smaller pair of boxing gloves that i would take with me to my appointments, scans, etc. when my sister-in-law kim went through her surgeries, i gave the gloves to her because i knew they belonged with her at that time. she eventually gave them back to me when we knew things weren't going my way and i just recently gave them to a boy i know who is fighting crohn's disease and has to go to infusions too (which is only a small part of what he is going through). i figured they belonged to him now since he has had to join the fight club and needed some battle gear of his own to take to his appointments. as i said above, fighters stick together.

so bring it on monday, you will be tough but i will be tougher.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

here we go again. xoxo