Saturday, December 23, 2017

bittersweet holidays this year + an ask to send love

"say not, in grief, that she is gone, but give thanks that she was yours"

we lost my beloved grandma dot wednesday during the middle of the night.

she lived 95 full years.

this picture of her with malena is one of my most favorite pictures i have of her. they were goofing around on easter of this year with some funny glasses that malena had got.

i had the chance to see her last weekend, she was sleeping soundly from the meds, and didn't know that we were there. but i knew in my heart that it may be my last time to see her, and i stayed by her and gave her a kiss goodbye without waking her. and i held out hope that maybe life would give me the chance to see her again. but that was not in the cards, and i am thankful that when she left us she was not alone and she was not in pain.

i could hear my phone ringing early thursday morning when i was in the shower and i knew.

she was gone.

it is those life moments when you just know. my sister said the same thing, when she saw her phone ringing and that it was our mom she knew before she even answered that grandma was gone.

i stayed home on thursday with barrett and malena to grieve. and the tears fell all day.

and they continue to do so.

it would have been hard to lose her at anytime, at the holidays feels especially rough.

i will have more to write about her in the future, but for now, i am just keeping her in my heart, giving myself time to just be sad, and the words will come when i am ready.

the holidays are upon us and they are as always, bittersweet for me. the feeling of being in the moment with my family and friends, and that voice in my head that wonders what life will look like during the holidays next year. but i try to focus on my counselor telling me to try my best to stay in the moment. this year feels incredibly hard since i am in the trial and because of the scan results we got and now with the loss of my grandma. but i am doing my best and that is all i can do.

i wish you all a very happy holiday season, may it bring you peace, comfort and joy whether you celebrate solo or with friends and family or some combination of both.

in closing and very close to my heart, i ask that you send your prayers and love to greta, wallace, and traz in new jersey. greta is preparing to put her fighting gloves down for the last time in her fight against melanoma. send them all the love you possibly can. thank you.

peace to all of you, enjoy your holidays. xoxo

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