round 8

round 8 is done.

i was so tired today that i slept for a lot of the day. i just couldn't keep my eyes open between the treatment and the anxiety meds. i barely remember the ride home and some errands that barrett did for me while i stayed in the car.

my bloodwork was good except my potassium is low so i will go on a supplement for that and treatment went fine. we came home and i slept for a few hours.

when i woke up, i think the combo of having treatment today and it being a monday and some major things going on this week at work caused my anxiety to kick in and i would say that i had a minor panic attack (nothing compared to the severe one i had at the start of april, the meds have helped keep those at bay but i definitely have issues every day with fighting the anxiety).

the side effects continue. taking meds to help the swelling. dry mouth. fatigue. i haven't lost my hair which has been a nice surprise, hopefully i didn't just jinx myself. so far no other complications like nausea coming back or rashes or falls or other issues. my balance has been a little better the last few weeks so that has been good, no falls in the last couple of weeks.

still quiet in this space because i still haven't figured out how to carve out the time to write.

i hope that your weeks are getting off to a great start -- make it a good one.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xoxo

dear 42

dear 42,

nice to finally meet you today.

i am very thankful for your friend 41 gracefully turning me over to you. i asked 41 that as my last wish last year, and i so appreciate 41 coming through for me in the end.

so you and me. 365 days to go.

we already know what many of those days will include. treatment. scans. needles being put in my port. fears. scanxiety. anxiety. undoubtedly some tears. hopefully more caused by joy than by sadness. we know the side effects will continue, will likely get worse, and that you will probably push me to my limits in what i can take.

but i also hold out hope for you.

i think that you can be a year that brings good things too.

i am thinking about signing up for a 5k again so that i have a goal to work towards. you will have to cooperate with me and my swollen feet and exhausted body. but i think that we can do it. we won't be fast, but at least we will be doing it. that is all that matters.

i am hoping that you take me on some new adventures. i would love to see france now that we have family living there throughout the year. i would love to go to new york with barrett and walk across the brooklyn bridge. i would love to go on some new family adventures, and do some of the same ones because disneyland will only make her eyes shine so bright for so many years.

i would love it if you and i can carve out time to really start cranking out some happy mail again.

and i want us to really focus on documenting our lives, i want to get back to getting our pictures in books and maybe doing that in different ways than i have before.

i want us to read a lot of good books together, our library list is long so that should not be a problem.

i want you to protect my friends and family from cancer and illnesses, and remember that i am already taking one for my team. so leave them alone. we are all tired of you coming around, and you aren't welcome here so take the hint (finally) and pack up and head out of town.

i want to see my daughter turn 9, and spend every day watching her continue to grow into the amazing person she is.

i want to celebrate being married to my husband for 11 years, 41 was nice enough to let us ring in our 10 year anniversary so i look forward to you allowing us to add one more to our current total.

i would love for you to help us find the time to finish the projects we want to do here and for me to finish all of the decorating ideas that i have for this home.

i would love it if you make my anxiety lessen so that my days aren't so hard and i don't rely on pills to cope and make it through my days anymore.

i am thinking that you and i might get a new tattoo this year. just maybe.

i would really love it if you allowed us to take a lot of naps. long ones.

i want to be more of a tourist in our own city and state and explore near and far.

i hope that you bring a lot of hugs.

and more laughter than i can even imagine.

i hope that you keep the tumors stable, that you don't allow them to grow. i hope that you allow me to keep beating the statistics. i hope that you don't make me go through anything worse than i already have. i hope that you don't bring the words i never want to hear, "there is nothing more to try or do." i hope that you know that i have been fighting my hardest over these last 7 years.

i want to see her grow up.

i want to grow old with him.

i want to spend time with my family and friends.

so all i ask of you is 365 days of the above. and then i will leave you as you pass me on to 43.

as i told some people today, i love the fact that i am turning 42 today. that means i am one year older. and one year older means i got another year. and that is the best.

so now that it is you and me, let's get started with all that we have to do.

you be good to me, i will be good to you, and we should be just fine.

in an ideal situation, we will be better than fine, we will thrive.

thanks for the chance to get to know you, i am so glad and thankful that you showed up.

i welcome you with open arms.

let's see what we can do together 43.

i am confident it will be more good than hard.

onward we go.

it's you and me.

let's do this.

love, me

canciversary #7

"magic happens when you do not give up, even though you want to.

the universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart."

(Jmstorm)

7 years ago today i got the call that i had cancer.

still seems like just yesterday.

it felt like the phone was going to ring at 10:30am telling me that the doctor needs to talk to me right away. i can remember the nurse's voice. i remember the tone in her voice. i remember immediately knowing something was wrong and then hearing the words and the tears starting to fall. i remember every second. i think that likely all cancer patients do.

i still remember the frantic moments of that day with such amazing clarity.

and i remember when the oncologist originally told us the statistics. and i remember knowing the reality that those statistics would not allow me to watch my one year old daughter grow up.

i am living beyond those statistics now and continue to plan on breaking those statistics and being ones of the outliers that gives the doctors and other patients the hope that someone has to be the one that does not fall into the usual numbers.

someone has to be the outlier right, why not me?

i remember how i felt last year on my canciversary - i remember writing that post and exactly how i shitty i felt last summer.

i would be lying to say that it isn't hard to be here one year later and still not feeling well and being back in treatment again. it is hard to know that the best we think we can hope for at this point is that the tumors don't grow or spread. there are a million things i could likely say about that but i am tired and emotional and i am sure that you can guess those million things i would say.

so 7 years today.

not one single day since that i have not thought of or somehow had my day shaped by cancer.

not one single day. in 7 years. that is a lot of days.

but i hope with everything i have that i am writing the canciversary post #8 on this day next year, regardless of how i feel.

i just want the chance to write the post.

that is really all i have wanted since july 16th, 2010.

the chance.

xoxo

round 7

"i don't believe in magic."

the young boy said.

the old man smiled.

'you will, when you see her'"

(atticus)

round 7 is in the books.

my bloodwork looked good and so we were a go.

for the side effects, the fatigue continues to ramp up. i think that i could sleep all day, everyday, and really have no problems sleeping.

i have gone off of the meds that help me sleep at night just to try and take one less med. some nights that works fine, other nights i have nightmares. i wish i could know which nights would bring the nightmares so that i could know which nights to take the meds.

dry mouth. dry skin. thought my hair was beginning to fall out but no big patches yet.

and one of my all time favorites, cramps. the muscle cramps that came on in the middle of the night and are in my feet and legs and are relentless.

i was thinking today as i lay in the hospital bed about how last year before i started treatment i said that was likely the best i would ever feel again. i was definitely right about that.

between the side effects from the treatment, and the issues i am having with anxiety, life feels very off from what i am used to.

but i am hoping that slowly i will start to regain some normalcy.

i went for a walk yesterday and it was the second time i have been out for a walk since i got sick this year. it felt good but it also made me realize how weak i am. so i might need to set a goal around that, maybe sign up for a 5k in december and give myself something to work towards.

goals, something i am going to be working towards as soon as i feel like i have caught my breath. you would think that now that it has been two and a half months since i was so sick i would feel like i have caught my breath a bit, but that is simply not so. but it will come, i guess i just need to continue to be patient and let my body heal and deal with the treatment and the anxiety.

so onward i go.

i hope that your week is off to a good start.

thanks for all the support.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

today we fought in bay 23 and every minute afterwards.

xoxo

6

round 6 is in the books.

my bloodwork looked good.

we will do a few more rounds and then do scans again to see what the tumors are up to. hopefully shrinking, at a minimum not growing.

here is what i know:

+++ the fatigue continues to get worse. i am so tired. all of the time.

+++ i could not make it through the day without anxiety meds. that is for sure. mornings are still my hardest time followed by early afternoons. i am trying to kick the meds that are meant to help me sleep but have been having nightmares on and off throughout the last couple of nights so not sure which way to go on that.

+++ seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist continue to help.

+++ side effects continue to be fatigue, dry mouth, dry skin, i thought my hair might be starting to fall out but so far no large patches. a couple of times i have lost my balance but had soft landings both times.

+++ i fall asleep at a moment's notice if given the chance, like when the passenger in a car. night night. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

+++ i really miss writing in this space. i just can't figure out quite yet how to get the time in to do it since i go to bed so much earlier now than i used to which doesn't leave me as much time to jump on the computer. i am still trying to figure out how to do that. stay tuned. you will know if i have figured something out if you see more posts coming up.

+++ thanks for all of the love and prayers, i continue to really appreciate them.

i hope your weeks are going well, we are already to hump day. i for one think that pretty much rocks.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xo

round 5

this is going to be short and quick because i am tired and the laptop is about to die and i am too tired to go back downstairs to get the charger.

round 5 went well today. bloodwork all looked good.

i was so tired all day i could not keep my eyes open, and unlike most treatment days, i did not work on my laptop for some of the time.

i slept. i just could not keep my eyes open.

thanks for all of the love, mojo and prayers you are sending my way.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

another round in the books. xoxo

shore walk 2017 is in the books

shore walk 2017 is in the books.

here is our awesome team "cancer you can suck it" from this year.

this was our 7th year doing the walk and we raised over $5000 for fred hutchinson cancer research. our team raised the most money for the walk and actually raised 7 times more than the second place team. go team!! that is pretty damn awesome if you ask me.

speaking of pretty awesome, my friend marcie ran her first 5k today and she has been training for quite a while (even in the rain which we have had a lot of ). i am so proud of her - go marcie-roo!!!! keep running, and i hope that i can do one with you soon.

so it was a good morning, the sky was blue, and gave me some time to catch up with friends and family while we walked the 3 miles.

thank you to everyone who was on the team, donated to our team, and sent our team good mojo for the day. i really appreciate it. i am so thankful for the money we were able to raise and know it will help cancer patients in the future.

on saturday, barrett and i attended the annual melanoma symposium that scca puts on every year for melanoma patients. it is a mix of emotions to attend that as some of it hits so close to home it feels like reality hitting us right in the face. but it is good to hear about the latest research and the advances they continue to make in melanoma research - maybe i will be one of the patients that benefits from that research and more than a statistic.

they always have patients who share their stories at the end and those bring out the kleenex during that time. you know i love people's stories and i think that they are so important, and then you tie them to melanoma, and i am total waterworks.

here are a couple of key things to remember about melanoma and protecting yourself and the kids in your life:

-- pediatric melanoma is on the raise 3% each year in the last 3 years.

-- 500 kids a year 18 and under are diagnosed with melanoma each year

-- every hour of every day someone in the united states dies from melanoma

-- melanoma is one of the fastest growing cancers in the US and worldwide

-- most melanoma is curable in the early stages with an over 90% curable rate

-- most cases of melanoma are caused by exposure to UV light and sunlight

-- tanning beds are classified in the same cancer risk as tobacco, arsenic, and asbestos

-- melanoma can develop almost anywhere, including the skin, eyes, digestive tract, genitals, under nails, or even in the mouth

-- carefully examine your skin every month. look for spots that seem unusual or are changing

-- melanoma can spread to the brain, liver, and lungs making it very difficult to treat

so please continue to remember to protect the skin you are in.

the side effects from treatment continue. fatigue. i am really tired and fall asleep at a moment's notice when i can. some of that is my anxiety meds too i am sure. dry mouth. swelling of my legs. the list goes on.

the anxiety continues to be really hard for me and thank goodness for the meds that i am on. mornings continue to be the tougher part, i am in tears most mornings before i even leave the house. i could not make it through the work day without my meds in the afternoon. i have another appointment with my psychiatrist on friday to check in and see where i am. i have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow which will be good as well. as i always say, it takes a village.

one thing that i have realized (or maybe just because i am now having such a problem with anxiety) is that it doesn't seem like it is talked about enough. since i have started talking about it, people have told me their stories or told me that they deal with it too and i had no idea. i think that there needs to be a larger conversation around it, or maybe figure out why it doesn't get talked about more. i will definitely talk about it here because it needs a voice for me and i am really struggling with it. i have been honest about everything that goes on medically with you before, so why not be honest about the anxiety too since it seems to be ruling my daily life at this point. it makes it really hard to get out of bed and face the day each day, i hope that changes soon.

i had a mammogram last week and the initial pictures showed that i needed to come back in for further testing. so i made an appointment for about two weeks out. before i had even got back to my office (which is literally 5 minutes from the doctor's office), their office called and said the doctor wants to see you on tuesday at 3:30. when they call back immediately, and the doc moves up your appointment to two days instead of two weeks, you don't have the best feeling. after going through multiple more tests and ultrasounds, she believes the masses she can see (and i can see which are obvious on the scan) are not cancer. but i will be back in six months to have another mammogram. there was part of me that was scared shitless about them telling me i had another cancer, and there was another part of me that felt like if i needed to kick the shit out of another cancer i could do it. i again would have no other choice.

tomorrow is treatment #5 and it is early. we check in at 7am for bloodwork and then meet with the doc, and if all goes according to plan, start treatment around 10am. we will see what the morning holds.

my friend mary goes in for scans tomorrow to see how her treatment is working, results on wednesday. please send your mojo, prayers and love to wisconsin for her.

another week starts, and i feel about a million different emotions about it. but it will come regardless so here we go.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xoxo