Monday, July 17, 2017

dear 42

dear 42,

nice to finally meet you today.

i am very thankful for your friend 41 gracefully turning me over to you. i asked 41 that as my last wish last year, and i so appreciate 41 coming through for me in the end.

so you and me. 365 days to go.

we already know what many of those days will include. treatment. scans. needles being put in my port. fears. scanxiety. anxiety. undoubtedly some tears. hopefully more caused by joy than by sadness. we know the side effects will continue, will likely get worse, and that you will probably push me to my limits in what i can take.

but i also hold out hope for you.

i think that you can be a year that brings good things too.

i am thinking about signing up for a 5k again so that i have a goal to work towards. you will have to cooperate with me and my swollen feet and exhausted body. but i think that we can do it. we won't be fast, but at least we will be doing it. that is all that matters.

i am hoping that you take me on some new adventures. i would love to see france now that we have family living there throughout the year. i would love to go to new york with barrett and walk across the brooklyn bridge. i would love to go on some new family adventures, and do some of the same ones because disneyland will only make her eyes shine so bright for so many years.

i would love it if you and i can carve out time to really start cranking out some happy mail again.

and i want us to really focus on documenting our lives, i want to get back to getting our pictures in books and maybe doing that in different ways than i have before.

i want us to read a lot of good books together, our library list is long so that should not be a problem.

i want you to protect my friends and family from cancer and illnesses, and remember that i am already taking one for my team. so leave them alone. we are all tired of you coming around, and you aren't welcome here so take the hint (finally) and pack up and head out of town.

i want to see my daughter turn 9, and spend every day watching her continue to grow into the amazing person she is.

i want to celebrate being married to my husband for 11 years, 41 was nice enough to let us ring in our 10 year anniversary so i look forward to you allowing us to add one more to our current total.

i would love for you to help us find the time to finish the projects we want to do here and for me to finish all of the decorating ideas that i have for this home.

i would love it if you make my anxiety lessen so that my days aren't so hard and i don't rely on pills to cope and make it through my days anymore.

i am thinking that you and i might get a new tattoo this year. just maybe.

i would really love it if you allowed us to take a lot of naps. long ones.

i want to be more of a tourist in our own city and state and explore near and far.

i hope that you bring a lot of hugs.

and more laughter than i can even imagine.

i hope that you keep the tumors stable, that you don't allow them to grow. i hope that you allow me to keep beating the statistics. i hope that you don't make me go through anything worse than i already have. i hope that you don't bring the words i never want to hear, "there is nothing more to try or do." i hope that you know that i have been fighting my hardest over these last 7 years.

i want to see her grow up.

i want to grow old with him.

i want to spend time with my family and friends.

so all i ask of you is 365 days of the above. and then i will leave you as you pass me on to 43.

as i told some people today, i love the fact that i am turning 42 today. that means i am one year older. and one year older means i got another year. and that is the best.

so now that it is you and me, let's get started with all that we have to do.

you be good to me, i will be good to you, and we should be just fine.

in an ideal situation, we will be better than fine, we will thrive.

thanks for the chance to get to know you, i am so glad and thankful that you showed up.

i welcome you with open arms.

let's see what we can do together 43.

i am confident it will be more good than hard.

onward we go.

it's you and me.

let's do this.

love, me


  1. Happy Birthday Alli.

    Your posts are always an inspiration to me. Your bravery is truly inspirational and humbling to me. A profound wish of mine would be that I could inspire you with a fraction of the inspiration you provide me. That would be what would be just. You are by far the bravest person I know. I am reminded of that frequently with your "Be Brave" bracelet I still wear.