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"she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."

(elizabeth edwards)

july 16.

july 23.

august 29.

february 11.

february 20.

january 11.

january 27.

the dates that mark hearing i have cancer, had surgeries, started treatment, or got the news that the cancer came back.

kind of incredible how many dates i remember now that carry significance for me.

so we knew that it was going to be likely that at least the spot that was growing was melanoma. but i always held out hope that it was going to be benign, i didn't want another recurrence of cancer - recurrence with stage iv melanoma is not good news. so yesterday when she said "so let's talk about the pathology. 2 out of the 3 tumors showed metastastic melanoma" i couldn't help but immediately start to cry. in one sentence, the hope is taken away and the harsh reality sets in.

the cancer came back. for the second time. and i try my best to quickly get any of those dreadful statistics out of my head about the rates of recurrence and what that means for life expectancy. so i quickly refocused and listened to her words, asked our questions, and tried to catch our breath and focus on the good news.

they got the cancer out. they got clear margins on the tumors which tells them that they removed enough lung to ensure that the cancer is gone. that is best news you can get when removing tumors. i am super thankful for that.

i am also super thankful for my awesome doctors who are the best of the best. yesterday my surgeon sat immediately in front of me with his knees pretty much touching my knees, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "i know you hope that you don't need to see me again. i hope for that too. but if you do, we can do this again if we have to." you can't ask for more than that, and i take a lot of comfort in my team of doctors and that i know they will help me fight.

and in the end, the chance that the spots on my lungs were cancer is the reason i chose to do surgery now. i could have waited to do one more round of scans. but i wanted to go aggressive and find out what was on my lungs as soon as we could. we did that and now we know, and it isn't continuing to grow inside of me anymore.

so i will continue to focus on my recovery and getting myself healed up to return to normal routines.

i am working with my oncologist to determine when we are going to meet, and will let you know next steps on that.

thanks for all of the love and support and mojo that has been -- and continues -- to come our way. on the days when you hear that the cancer came back, you take a lot of comfort in knowing that no matter how hard and long you are going to have to fight, you aren't going to have to do it alone.

xoxo

results

Two of the three spots were cancer --- but they got clear margins so we know the cancer is out. We will determine next steps with my oncologist. More soon --- thanks for all the love and prayers. xoxo

it's raining, it's pouring -- and i am definitely not snoring

no walk for me today. it is dumping rain here today.

imagine that. rain in january. how unusual.

was feeling ok (which tends to mean sore and totally exhausted) this morning, starting to really feel the word-i-won't-write-about-anymore (which insomnia might start to fall into that same category of banned words), so we will see how this afternoon goes.

my appointment with the surgeon is tomorrow afternoon. was supposed to be in the morning but got a call yesterday that they had to move it. so x-ray first of my lung, appointment with him second to hear how my lung/incisions are healing and the results of what the tests showed.

i probably won't post anything else until sometime tomorrow evening, because a) i won't have much to say before that, and b) i will be trying to distract myself from watching the minutes go tick tock on the clock.

hope your tuesday is great -- and a little drier that ours.

anywhere i go, you go.

xoxo

no zzzzzz's for this kid

"the women whom i love and admire for their strength and grace

did not get that way because shit worked out.

they got that way because shit went wrong, and they handled it.

they handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days,

but they handled it.

those women are my superheroes."

(elizabeth gilbert)

my friend chris just shot me a text with this quote on it, so it seemed right to put it right onto the blog. oh, and because of course, i love this quote. so good.

well insomnia has someone snuck in this house and doesn't want to head for the exit door. i have not been able to fall asleep until about 2:30-4am the last 5 five or so nights. if you could have seen me last night at 2:15am i was in my living room reading a magazine because i just couldn't lay in the dark any longer. it must have helped, i think that 2:45am was the last time that i saw the time as i went to lay back down.

what i hate about insomnia (other than the total and absolute exhaustion it creates) is how it gets you when it is dark. when there are no other noises around. when it is just you and your swirling thoughts. and how many times, it allows thoughts to come out that you probably knew were there, but aren't the ones you want to keep company with. it isn't really surprising to me that insomnia showed up, i have been trading calls with my oncologists office, we have the appointment on wednesday with the surgeon, i have been having to coordinate with hr at work, the bills have started to roll in from surgery and continue to roll in from the appointments in december so we figure all of that out with insurance. it feels like a constant assault at times. and let's be honest, i am in a state of constant emotional assault in addition to the scars that will eventually heal but will always remain.

it is hard, there is no way around that. i would never claim it is anything other than. it has been a long fight. i am tired. i am scared. i am anxious. i am hurting physically. i am angry. i am really sad. and of course, i am grateful for the love that comes our way.

and feeling all of those things is ok. i learned along time ago from this diagnosis that it is ok to feel all of those emotions. it is ok to cry. it is ok to be so sad that you can feel it in your bones. it is ok to be angry that you just want to scream, and sometimes you do scream but it happens in ways that don't come across as a full on yell, but a tone or lack of patience that indicates you are holding on with all you can because you feel like you are going to totally unravel. feeling all of those emotions is natural, it is acknowledging that they are there when the work actually starts. but the work allows me to figure out how to best move forward, so it is necessary even though it is tough.

so i feel all those things, and carry them with me for as long as i think that i need to or can. and then at some point, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, i start to let go of them in pieces to make space for other things.

i am going to go now and put on my walking shoes. all of my current feelings and i are going to take a walk around the block. it will look a little bit like me walking with the characters from inside out if you have seen that movie;) i think that we all need a little fresh air after a rough night and early morning nap.

i hope that your mondays are starting out good, and that this week looks to hold only good things for you. xoxo

hello friday, good to see you

ok, here is the deal -- i am tired of feeling nauseas and i am tired of writing about feeling nauseas, so i am not going to write about it until i can say that i no longer feel it -- which will be a pretty kick ass day. that day is not today, but i know that if i just hang in here long enough, that day will come. that day has to come. right? right. that day's blog post might just be the shortest blog post ever. it might say just "nauseus. no more". you will know what that means;)

i got in a walk around the neighborhood today (don't worry mom, i did not over do it i promise) and it was so nice to see some blue sky and feel some fresh air in my lungs. i had just come around the corner to my house when it started to dump rain. so i figured that i couldn't have probably timed that walk any better because i am not going to take a chance on getting sick by walking in the rain (i am sure that my mom is thrilled to see that in writing).

i started reading tiny beautiful things today and so far am loving it. my friend ellie borrowed it to me because she had read it and thought i would really like it (thank you ellie, xoxo). my kind friend kirsten in texas asked if i would like to read a book together while i recover so we are reading this one. we both just started so i am looking forward to getting to see what she thinks of it as we move along through the pages.

i heard the song "humble and kind" and watched the video by tim mcgraw yesterday for the first time. wow. just wow. i loved the lyrics and i think that the video is so beautiful due to the images within it. the image showing the woman entering the scan machine was when my tears started to fall. a new favorite song that will be on my music rotation for sure.

i hope that you all have really good weekends. ours is going to include the start of girl scout cookie season (i will give you one guess who is the lead cookie mom for the entire troop). i am hungry for some fajitas so i told barrett that if i am up for it i want to see if i can gimp my way into town for some food. we have a girl scout event for malena. we have projects to finish due to the flooding we had last year (and when i say "we" i really mean barrett since i can't lift anything and will essentially just be supervising his work;)). i also hope it includes the chance for me to get some more walks in and a little more reading -- and some games of "sorry" in which malena will undoubtedly win like she always does (for the record, i used to be the champion of that game when i was a kid, but the girl is giving me a run for my money).

i hope that you all have a great weekend -- do something fun. please. it is the weekend. you aren't gimped up with four incisions and a healing lung. you can make the most of it. please do it. i plan to even with four incisions and a healing lung.

talk to you on the flip side of the weekend. xoxo

the latest

i think that it will be easier to assume that my days are filled with nausea and pain until i actually can write that they aren't.

yesterday was another bad round in the morning, and then it started to lift a bit and i felt good enough to do a couple of walking laps around our block with my dad. the fresh air seemed to help a bit so i was hoping to do that again in the afternoon.

but nausea had other plans for me. i was feeling ok in the afternoon and then got hit with what i will lovingly call a tsunami wave of nausea. it came on so bad and so quickly that it honestly felt like getting hit and knocked over by a huge wave. i was able to sleep a bit of it off and was then pretty much wiped out from that point forward.

i am feeling really tired today - had a hard time falling asleep last night due to pain so i think that it was around 1:30am by the time i finally got to sleep. no partying for me tonight (as if that would happen, i am still in such rough shape that a taste of cider doesn't even sound remotely good. you know that means i feel tough;)).

i hope that your thursday is going well, and you are doing something fun as part of your day. get some ice cream. read a book. watch a favorite show. take yourself out for some dinner that sounds good. have a cold cider (or two) for me.

thanks for all of the good vibes that you are continuing to be sent our way, we really appreciate it.

xoxo

tuesday

mornings seems to be my roughest time for some reason.

i was very nauseas again this morning so had to take meds and lay back down for a couple of hours until i felt good enough to get up.

when the nausea comes, it really comes on hard. hoping that as i start to head farther out from surgery that the nausea dissipates a little more each day. i am definitely still really sore on my left side and can feel when i breathe that my lung is working its way back up to full strength. no running for me in the next week or two;) but i am looking forward to feeling well enough to go on some longer walks outside of the house to get some fresh air when i can.

going to leave the house today for the first time since coming home to go to a doctor appointment for malena. it will nice to be out for a little bit, and hopefully i can do it without too much pain or discomfort. i am sure that little trip will pretty much wipe me out.

next wednesday is our follow up appointment with the surgeon to get the results of the tests on the nodules and for him to see how my lung and incisions are recovering. i am working on scheduling my appointment with my oncologist (which will be after the one with my surgeon) where we will talk about the results and what we will do next. i am glad that those appointments don't start until next week, i am not feeling physically strong enough (not to even mention the emotional side of it) to make it through those yet.

i hope that you have a great day;)