no zzzzzz's for this kid

"the women whom i love and admire for their strength and grace

did not get that way because shit worked out.

they got that way because shit went wrong, and they handled it.

they handled it in a thousand different ways on a thousand different days,

but they handled it.

those women are my superheroes."

(elizabeth gilbert)

my friend chris just shot me a text with this quote on it, so it seemed right to put it right onto the blog. oh, and because of course, i love this quote. so good.

well insomnia has someone snuck in this house and doesn't want to head for the exit door. i have not been able to fall asleep until about 2:30-4am the last 5 five or so nights. if you could have seen me last night at 2:15am i was in my living room reading a magazine because i just couldn't lay in the dark any longer. it must have helped, i think that 2:45am was the last time that i saw the time as i went to lay back down.

what i hate about insomnia (other than the total and absolute exhaustion it creates) is how it gets you when it is dark. when there are no other noises around. when it is just you and your swirling thoughts. and how many times, it allows thoughts to come out that you probably knew were there, but aren't the ones you want to keep company with. it isn't really surprising to me that insomnia showed up, i have been trading calls with my oncologists office, we have the appointment on wednesday with the surgeon, i have been having to coordinate with hr at work, the bills have started to roll in from surgery and continue to roll in from the appointments in december so we figure all of that out with insurance. it feels like a constant assault at times. and let's be honest, i am in a state of constant emotional assault in addition to the scars that will eventually heal but will always remain.

it is hard, there is no way around that. i would never claim it is anything other than. it has been a long fight. i am tired. i am scared. i am anxious. i am hurting physically. i am angry. i am really sad. and of course, i am grateful for the love that comes our way.

and feeling all of those things is ok. i learned along time ago from this diagnosis that it is ok to feel all of those emotions. it is ok to cry. it is ok to be so sad that you can feel it in your bones. it is ok to be angry that you just want to scream, and sometimes you do scream but it happens in ways that don't come across as a full on yell, but a tone or lack of patience that indicates you are holding on with all you can because you feel like you are going to totally unravel. feeling all of those emotions is natural, it is acknowledging that they are there when the work actually starts. but the work allows me to figure out how to best move forward, so it is necessary even though it is tough.

so i feel all those things, and carry them with me for as long as i think that i need to or can. and then at some point, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, i start to let go of them in pieces to make space for other things.

i am going to go now and put on my walking shoes. all of my current feelings and i are going to take a walk around the block. it will look a little bit like me walking with the characters from inside out if you have seen that movie;) i think that we all need a little fresh air after a rough night and early morning nap.

i hope that your mondays are starting out good, and that this week looks to hold only good things for you. xoxo