next

"she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails."

(elizabeth edwards)

july 16.

july 23.

august 29.

february 11.

february 20.

january 11.

january 27.

the dates that mark hearing i have cancer, had surgeries, started treatment, or got the news that the cancer came back.

kind of incredible how many dates i remember now that carry significance for me.

so we knew that it was going to be likely that at least the spot that was growing was melanoma. but i always held out hope that it was going to be benign, i didn't want another recurrence of cancer - recurrence with stage iv melanoma is not good news. so yesterday when she said "so let's talk about the pathology. 2 out of the 3 tumors showed metastastic melanoma" i couldn't help but immediately start to cry. in one sentence, the hope is taken away and the harsh reality sets in.

the cancer came back. for the second time. and i try my best to quickly get any of those dreadful statistics out of my head about the rates of recurrence and what that means for life expectancy. so i quickly refocused and listened to her words, asked our questions, and tried to catch our breath and focus on the good news.

they got the cancer out. they got clear margins on the tumors which tells them that they removed enough lung to ensure that the cancer is gone. that is best news you can get when removing tumors. i am super thankful for that.

i am also super thankful for my awesome doctors who are the best of the best. yesterday my surgeon sat immediately in front of me with his knees pretty much touching my knees, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "i know you hope that you don't need to see me again. i hope for that too. but if you do, we can do this again if we have to." you can't ask for more than that, and i take a lot of comfort in my team of doctors and that i know they will help me fight.

and in the end, the chance that the spots on my lungs were cancer is the reason i chose to do surgery now. i could have waited to do one more round of scans. but i wanted to go aggressive and find out what was on my lungs as soon as we could. we did that and now we know, and it isn't continuing to grow inside of me anymore.

so i will continue to focus on my recovery and getting myself healed up to return to normal routines.

i am working with my oncologist to determine when we are going to meet, and will let you know next steps on that.

thanks for all of the love and support and mojo that has been -- and continues -- to come our way. on the days when you hear that the cancer came back, you take a lot of comfort in knowing that no matter how hard and long you are going to have to fight, you aren't going to have to do it alone.

xoxo