numb + prayers for judy

i have no idea what to say.

i still feel completely numb from the news on wednesday.

i worked on thursday and barrett and i both took friday off.

there have been a lot of tears around this house.

there have been hard conversations, the start of many more to come. that i know for sure.

we didn't get any further news on thursday or friday so i don't have any medical news for you on what appointment comes next and when.

we are going to see if my surgeon thinks we can do surgery which we know is unlikely due to the number of tumors and the fact that the largest one is right next to a major artery. but i need to hear that from him directly just to know for sure.

we are going to see if i qualify for another trial at scca, but that one requires a tumor biopsy, and if they think that the biggest tumor is too close to that artery, they won't take the biopsy. and it is mandatory for that trial. so no biopsy, no trial.

we are going to see if my insurance will cover some pills i have not been on before for treatment that are incredibly expensive.

we are going to see if we need to fly to texas or maryland where two major cancer institutes are doing innovative treatments that require surgeries - that likelihood of us going there may depend on what we hear from my surgeon - we may go for the second opinion regardless.

we are going to see if a treatment may be an option that requires me to be in icu in the hospital for two weeks, then out for 10 days, and then scans to see if it worked before the second and final round. you have to be in the hospital and in icu because the treatment is incredibly tough to make it through and you have to be on constant hospital surveillance.

so we are going to work with my oncologist to determine the best path forward. he would like to not do anymore autoimmune infusions at this point as they clearly are not working.

so more to come when we know what we face ahead.

i will say that wednesday may have been one of the toughest days for me yet. hearing the results, being told i am off the trial, having the meds taken from me, having the needle that had already been put into my port pulled because there would be no treatment - it was all so overwhelming i can't put it into words.

for six months, i have taken 4 pills 12 hours apart every single day and my eating cycle revolved around that. i am 4 days in and can tell you that it is a damn hard habit to break. i have to keep reminding myself that i am no longer taking those pills. i no longer have to track to the minute when i eat breakfast and dinner. it is hard to move on from that habit, and even harder to move on from emotionally. i had a hell of a lot of hope in those 8 pills i took every day.

so it is now ten and my brother will be made if i don't get some sleep. so i better sign off for now.

but before i do, and this is incredibly important ---  one of my best friend's mom's cancer has come back yet again. i have wrote about judy on the blog before when her cancer was first diagnosed (i still remember clear as day waking up to the text from my friend kris telling me the news - you never forget those moments). around easter judy found out a large tumor had formed at the base of her tongue and the surrounding area. she is in a lot of pain and it is hard for her to talk. tomorrow morning (monday) she goes in for a very large and invasive surgery which will require breaking her jaw and re-opening her neck. it will also be dangerous as the tumor is sitting on the carotid artery. she will likely be in the hospital for a week to ten days and a very painful recovery period lays ahead. she checks in at 9am and surgery starts at 11am. please send every prayer and good vibe you have to judy and her entire family tomorrow.

anywhere judy fights, we fight.

gloves up for her tomorrow.

thank you. xoxoxo