toxic

this is the shirt that i chose to wear to treatment today. seemed fitting on this day when i was heading in for round 2.

the day did not go as we expected. that is an understatement. and i definitely did not expect to have to "adult" as much as i have had to today.

everything was routine until i got checked into my room on the infusion floor.

my bloodwork from today had not come back when i met with the doctor, but they won't start infusions until they confirm that my bloodwork is ok.

my bloodwork was not ok.

my liver levels were 10 times the levels they should be.

long story short, and many tears later, i can't continue this treatment plan.

we are devastated.

they injected me with steroids and i will be on steroids for probably a month. the goal of the steroids is to bring my liver levels back down to normal.

the side effects of the steroids will be jitters (feeling like i had the maximum amount of caffeine my body could handle), trouble sleeping, aggressive behavior, and other issues. not fun.

the steroids will override the triggers between my stomach and my brain, in addition to just being tough on my stomach.

to combat that, i have to take meds each day to protect my stomach, which (shocker) come with their own side effects.

so my routine will be taking my stomach meds on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. then 30 minutes later i will need to eat a big breakfast to then take the 4 sterioid pills i need to take. this will be my new routine to start each day.

i will go back in at the start of the week (and probably every week for the next four weeks) to have my blood drawn, make sure my liver levels are going down, and meet with the doctor.

once my liver levels are back to normal, we will determine if there is a different treatment option i can do. apparently the two drugs i am on will no longer be options for me because they were so toxic to my body.

devastated is putting it lightly. this treatment plan was my plan. i was going to do it. it was going to work. that was where my head was, i was in the fight, and was going to fight  like hell to make that plan work with everything i had.

now i am back to not having a plan, other than taking care of my liver, and crossing all of fingers and toes that this one dose worked and did something to kick melanoma'a ass.

i feel numb and defeated at this point. i am very angry and very sad. i guess i am feeling all of the feels.

i don't know where we go from here. only time will tell.

i am a girl who loves having a plan and then kicking the shit out of it.

i am going to have to regroup and get my feet under me.

thanks for all of the love and good vibes --- as always, we are going to continue to need them.

xoxo