angry and toxic

well it has been an interesting couple of days around here.

on friday as i was driving home i got hit with another massive tidal wave of nausea. i could barely make it home.

by the time i did, i was shaking so bad from the start of the chills coming on that i needed help to be able to get into my pjs. my teeth were chattering so bad that i was pretty sure that they were going to break off at the gums. i quickly spiked to a 103 fever and was in absolute misery and out of it for the rest of the night. at some point during the night the fever finally broke. my clothes were soaking wet and i had to change again due to the fever and the sweats. i also got charlie horses in my legs and feet throughout the night which was really not fun at all since i already felt like hell. a long night.

by the time later saturday morning rolled around, i felt better - but like i had got the absolute crap kicked out of me. it was a low key day for sure. sunday was the same, good but low key.

today i had bloodwork. and my veins were a pain in the ass again and they must have moved that damn needle in my arm no less than 35 times to get the line in. not their fault because my arms have not been cooperating the last few weeks. i think they are tired. i totally get it.

and when they called me back into the room, the news we got is that my liver levels shot up way higher than they were last week.

pretty damn devastated.

again.

like as soon as she said the words and i saw the numbers, i could feel the tears welling up.

this isn't supposed to be happening. i was originally supposed to be off the steroids tomorrow.

now i am going back up on the dosage. which means i will be on them even longer because i will have to go back down to the level i am at now eventually. and then go down to the next dosage before they will take me off.  frankly i have given up even wondering when i will get the hell off of these drugs. it seems pointless to invest any amount of hope in dates anymore. it just sets me up for disappointment.

so tomorrow i increase steroids again. cue up all of the side effects that come with the increased dosage again.

then friday i go back in for bloodwork to see if the liver levels are trending down. and then i go back in on tuesday. and we will see if we go with scans on friday.

one of the blood tests can be a tumor marker and it shot up higher than the amounts the liver levels did. but we aren't going to jump to conclusions yet, it could be that particular marker is reacting to the steroids in the same way that my liver is. but i won't say that it doesn't scare the absolute hell out of me. combine that with the fact that i went through two days of nausea hell and high fevers out of nowhere last week and it doesn't make me rest easy. at all. i can tell you that.

so i feel really sad.

and i feel really angry.

and i am tired.

and i don't feel like picking up any gloves. i don't feel like putting a brave shirt on. i don't feel like cheerleading for myself. i don't feel like looking for the good in this. i don't feel like thinking this will all work out. i don't feel like getting my head in the fight.

i just want to sit in my anger and sadness for a while. and hang it out with it for a while.

some days that is about all i can do as dark falls.

and i deserve to feel angry and sad. and for to be ok. and for me to not make that better for myself.

i am 40 years old with a 7 year old girl.

angry and sad doesn't even actually start to capture it.

f*ck cancer.