Monday, October 14, 2013

daylight can't come soon enough

the nightmares are in full effect. last night was a long night of back to back nightmares which left me exhausted, run down, and a little bit of a mess. not a great way to start a week, hoping that tonight might be a little bit better - you would think that those nightmares would at some point be kind enough to cut me a break. we shall see, i am not holding my breath -- the nightmares don't seem to have much of a heart, i guess if they did, they wouldn't be very good at doing their job.

if you know me well, you know that i don't half-ass anything that i do. if i am in, i am in 110% and i won't let myself to do anything less that that. as barrett tells me, i am my toughest critic by a long shot, and i think that he is right about that. one of the things that i have been really tough on myself about is the new diet routine. no sugar, green tea, only chicken and salmon and eggs for protein, all fruit, all veggie, no dairy, vitamins, exercise. on and on.

i am totally committed to the new diet and have been doing well at it. but, it is a lot to incorporate every single day. lemon water, green tea, juicing, green smoothies, vitamins, fuits, veggies, get all of them incorporated into any given day is tough. so i carry a lot of guilt from not living up to my own expectations.

the guilt comes from the diet feeling like it is my current treatment regime, the one thing that i can do to give myself a fighting chance against stage iv. so when i don't do it as well as i could (aka as well as i hold myself accountable for) i beat the hell out of myself mentally. the mental issues become even tougher when the scans are coming up because i flashback on the last three months and what i have done to give myself the best shot at good results.

but here is another truth. sometimes when i turn the juicer on, or crank the vitamix to make a smoothie, or choose to drink water or green tea instead of a glass of wine when out for dinner, i think about melanoma and how i am hoping that what i am about to eat/drink will make a difference. and sometimes (ok, many times), i resent the hell out of that. i resent that melanoma affects the basics of my life on a daily basis. and sometimes, it fuels the fire to kick melanoma's ass. and sometimes, it does neither because it is now just part of the routine around here. regardless of how i feel about it on any particular day, i do it - because i am fighter, and if that means that i am going to drink carrott juice with the hopes that it will make a difference, than that is what it means.

so what is the point in sharing all of this? for one, i hope that it helps me to take a break from beating the hell out of myself. reminding myself that in addition to being a cancer fighter, i am a wife, mom, sister, neice, cousin, aunt, friend, manager, the list goes on and on. it is ok that i can't do it all every single day, and that at day's end i need to know that i did my best. for two, i have always said that i write to help all of you understand the realities of what it is like to live with cancer as part of your life. cancer plays mind games (and damn it is good at playing those games), and those games can take you on one hell of a ride from time to time.

today i needed to dust out the nightmare cobwebs and cut myself some slack. so i went for a walk. i checked out the fall leaves and took in some fresh air.

i took the time to show up for myself and catch my breath. to remind myself of all that i have been through  - two surgeries, the worst pain imaginable, a year of feeling like hell when i was doing treatment, day to day mind games, losing my hair, scars all over my body, changing up my diet, and on and on it goes. and yet, i get up and get out of bed every single day and face the day and make the best of it. and yet, i have never quit or gave in.

and i don't plan to start now.


  1. Hugs and prayers and light all flooding your way.

  2. Gorgeous photo!!! You are a fighter, you are brave, you've got this. Sending much love to you, Barrett and Malena. Sarah

  3. Beautiful tree- they are just beginning to turn colors here in Ohio. Looks like a beautiful maple tree- silver maple, perhaps? Oh, my teaching biology days are too far removed for me to recall all the details... but I do know it's the genus Acer...
    So sorry that you are having a rough time right now. You are so brave, and so strong. To have the discipline to do what you are doing is amazing to me. I myself had 3 snack packs of M&M's today...not good. Well, they were good, but not good for me! I would love to hear more about your diet- it sounds super interesting.
    I love reading your posts, and love that you can be so open and honest. Keep doing what you are doing, cut yourself some slack, and keep fighting. It will all pay off.
    As I told a colleague of mine just this afternoon, "Never doubt yourself."
    Hope those words can find a way to help ease your mind. You're doing great; hugs from the great Midwest (where they are forecasting snow flurries next week! Brrrrrr!).

  4. I am so mad at those nightmares! Sleep is supposed to restore, not terrorize! Mostly, I'm a good sleeper. But, sometimes I battle insomnia in the middle of the night. I want you to know that the next time I am awake in the night I am going to grab that nightmare and hold it for at least one night. Looking forward to seeing you soon.