around and around we go

here it is again.

scan week.

i decided a while ago that i was going to take this week off of work. i have felt for a while like i just can't quite catch my breath, and scan weeks do not lend themselves to catching my breath by any means, so i knew this week i would feel like i was gasping for air. i decided i would need to breath this week more than any other time. so i am giving myself time to just be in this week and focus on myself and my family, and not anything else. it takes all i have to get through scan weeks. taking this time off was hands down the right decision.

so if i could map this week out as i would want it to go, here is how i would roll through the next seven days:

monday (which is the only day this week that feels like it remains under my control): sleep in, take kiddo to school, walk/run, run some errands, lunch with one of my favorites, 90 minutes of massage (think these tense muscles could use it), gymnastics, dinner at chicken robin per our usual monday night tradition, and then family time watching "the voice "(one of malena's favorite shows because there is music).

tuesday: sleep in (you know i am not sleeping well at night), walk/run, and quiet time at home. pick up ellie, head to scans, make it through scans, feel like hell, rebound just enough to hang out with malena, make ghost cookies, and then hit the bed as soon as i can.

wednesday: get good results at 9:30am. celebrate all day. carve pumpkins. decorate for my mom's bday on thursday.

thursday: celebrate my mom's birthday. surprise malena with fun halloween breakfast placemat, bowl, and cup with her favorite chocolate donuts for breakfast. kick it with my mom and my dad all day. birthday party at night. trick or treating. my candy quotient has gone way down this year since i don't eat candy anymore -- hot tamales, i do really miss you and i am so sorry that we had to break up, it wasn't you, it was me. nope, we can't even be friends. i know that you will make a lot people happy this year, i wish i was one of them.

friday: walk/run, spend all day working on our picture albums. campout. popcorn, and likely the one direction movie that seems to make it on to our tv at least once each weekend.

saturday: walk/run, holiday bazaar to knock out some christmas shopping, bday party for our little bestie, swim lessons, campout, popcorn, and maybe, just maybe, something other than the one direction movie.

sunday: relax before going back to the grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrind.

so if i have it my way, that is how this week will go down.

it can't go down any other way. it just can't.

i have halloween, my mom's birthday, malena's birthday, barrett's birthday, thanksgiving, all of our holiday traditions, family birthdays, my niece's college graduation, christmas, new years....all of those are waiting for me on the other side of these scans. it is not an option for me to carry melanoma through those events anymore than i already do mentally, i certainly do not want to carry it with my physically. i don't ever want to carry it with me physically again. never. ever. ever.

so i just keep hoping, and hoping, and then hoping some more.

this is my third round of scans since my stage iv diagnosis.

third time will be a charm.

it just has to be.

i also ask that you take a moment of your monday to light a candle, send some prayers and love, put your good energy out on the winds, however you send your positive vibes into the world.... for burton and his parents in these final days.

xo