it seems that i just need to get a really bad cold in order to get some sleep. i have been home sick the last two days. i can now feel the roots of all my teeth and they ache, i think that could be a sinus infection coming on. oh goodie. i have been taking my cold medicine and the last two days i have just curled up in a little ball during the day. and slept. with no nightmares. it has been so nice. i of course can't sleep when night comes around due to the nightmares, but i haven't got as much as sleep as i have in the last two days since thanksgiving. i think that i might just need to start reversing my schedule and working at night and sleeping during the day. i will have to look into that.
one of the other things that we need to look into is doing our will. i promised myself earlier this year that we would do that by years end. but truth be told, it was too much to do during treatment, and has been too hard emotionally to do after treatment. so i have given myself permission to put that off until the new year.
last year after i was diagnosed and before we knew exactly what was ahead of us, there were a few things that we talked about and then agreed to not talk about again during treatment. the reason for that was we wanted to just focus on getting through the treatments, and to not focus on the what ifs of what could come. one of those things was that i told barrett that if something happened to me, i would want him to remarry again if he found someone to share his life with. when we had that conversation, i realized that was one of the conversations that we probably never would have had if i hadn't been diagnosed, but it should have been a conversation we had regardless. there are things that no one wants to talk about because they are associated with something going wrong, but they are important to say nonetheless. if it wasn't cancer, and something happened to me unexpectedly, i would want barrett to know what my wishes would be for him and malena - and what my wishes would be for myself if i had to leave them early. all of those wishes haven't been said yet, but over time, they will be. they are important for me to say, to be at peace they have been said and be able to move on. i can only vocalize those thoughts in small doses though so they will come a little at a time.
how about moving on to some happier thoughts...yep, sounds good to me too.
- this friday we are going to check out the gingerbread village at the sheraton and then make our own gingerbread house (not sure which will have more candy - the house or my mouth;))
- next year i think that we will also do this awesome idea for creating a gingerbread village out of recycled cereal/cracker boxes
- love this idea for using books to make a christmas tree - might have to put this on my holiday to do list for next year, it would look great on our dining room table
- read this story the other day and really connected with the thought of sending my wishes out to the world and then letting them go
happy wednesday peeps, we are half way there.