Tuesday, July 28, 2015

we'll meet it when it does

(print is free download from elise blaha cripe. she rocks. big time.)
so i think that it was about two weeks ago now that i said that i was going to get back to this space. i had really good intentions, but clearly, i didn't get back to it.
so here i go. again.
when i said that i was going to take a few days off from this space at the end of june, that is really what i was planning on.
but then life just seemed to happened, week rolled into week, and here we are about one month later. i have no clue where the time went.
but it has been full.
i turned 40 this month. yep, 40. which i was, unlike probably many others, actually looking forward to. it was a milestone that has been a goal since the day i got diagnosed. but it felt bittersweet for some reason. milestones are still tough for me to be honest, and they often find me a little bit quieter than usual. they make me anxious, and while i want to celebrate them, i also feel this sense to lay low and quietly celebrate without drawing too much attention to the fact that i hit another milestone. you know, those cancer fates sometimes lurk in my shadows, even unfortunately on some of the brightest days.
i definitely intend to write year 40 a letter just like i have for the previous years, and those words will come.
this month i made what felt like (and likely was) the hardest decision of my life and decided to leave the projects and project teams i have loved for 15+ years to move on to a new job opportunity. so my life over the last few weeks has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. in addition to the ups and downs of emotions, i am also so slammed with work to get my transition complete that i barely have any time to look up to see the next curve that is ahead.
questions have come that are hard to answer about why there won't be a little brother or little sister. i knew they would come, but it sure as hell does not make any of it any easier. it will never be any easier. ever. ever. (insert complete sadness and the feeling of getting punched in the gut time and time again here. the grieving of the things lost along the way always continues).

i am now over two months in to my 6 months of in-between scan time. the time always goes so damn fast. i will be half way through my 6 months before i know it, and that is always a hard time for me because it again starts to mark being closer to my next round of scans than to my last ones (which were good and we like that).
so when elise posted the above download, it felt just like what i needed.
it seems that life is coming on at full speed lately, and i keep doing my best to meet it when it comes.
i really do hope that i get back in the groove of meeting up with this space on a more regular basis. i miss it. quite a bit actually. especially since when life seems crazy, it is a good place to lay down some thoughts and get them out onto the winds to rest where they may.
i am pretty exhausted tonight, my brother would say i should go to bed, and he is pretty smart.
so off i go to get ready for another day to come.
talk to you soon. xo

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