14 in the books

today was treatment 14.

my bloodwork was looking good, potassium was low - but all other organs are functioning like they should be. i am so thankful for that.

this morning i woke up and felt like a cold might be coming on and so if that is the case, you wear masks at scca so you don't chance giving germs to any other patient. barrett wore one as well just in case he might be coming down with something but just doesn't know it yet.

this is the only picture i got today, not my usual one that shows me hooked up to the infusion machine.

the reason for that is simple: i was asleep.

i worked this morning (except when in appts) but when i got into the infusion room i just could not do it anymore. i closed my laptop and i was lights out, so damn tired (daily mantra around here).

as we did the check in on side effects, they remain essentially the same just continue to get worse. fatigue (kicking my ass). dry mouth. hair coming out and thinning (no bald spots yet). dry mouth (worse than the sahara). muscle aches and cramps on nights when i am super lucky. dry skin (basically the sahara). and that is just the cancer side effects, not even speaking of the daily fight with my anxiety problems which is a list of issues all on its own.

the next thing up is scans on the 27th and i can't tell you that i am looking forward to those in any way. especially since last time i ended puking all over myself and the room. that is not going to be a fun day. then on the 30th we get the results and decide where to go from there. so scanxiety is already kicking in and i am already getting very nervous for the end of the month.

sometimes being at scca for treatments brings comfort. today was one of those days when there are so many other things going wrong in our world, that i look at all of those patients and caregivers and wish that a cure for all of the cancers could be the one big thing that could be going right in our world. so many sick people there and yet you never hear a voice raised, you see smiles, you see people offer their chairs to others, you see others giving the knowing look of "me too" as you pass them on the way to your infusion room. i am almost always one of the youngest patients there on any given day. my nurses have told me that i am one of the only ones who work while i am hooked up to the infusion meds (obviously that didn't happen today), much less work full time while going through treatment. and so sometimes i wonder if i am doing this fight the way i should be, will i regret the way i fought at some point in the future (like not worked, took time off while going through treatment, etc.). but that is the deal, there is no right way. there is no wrong way. you just get through it the best way that you know how.

you just wake up and fight however you can. and as long as i keep doing that, i think that i am doing pretty damn good minus everything that totally sucks about this entire situation.

goodnight. i need to hit the hay, i have more fighting to do tomorrow. and the day after that. for as long as it takes.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

xoxo