the wait is almost over----

wednesday is results day.

and infusion day.

i will go in for the bloodwork to be taken through my port at 9am.

we meet with my oncologist at 10am to get the results.

i check in for infusion at 11am.

this could go one of three ways.

good scenario: the tumors have shrunk and i stay on my current treatment plan.

shitty scenario: the tumors have not shrunk and i have to double down on treatment.

really shitty scenario: the tumors have grown and i have to double down on treatment.

my oncologist has me lined up to take infusions of both treatments tomorrow if i have to. he did that so that if we got the results and they indicated i had to start the second treatment, i would already be scheduled to get the second infusion.

as you can probably anticipate, i have about one million emotions going on.

i hope that the treatment has been working, that the 8 infusions and the last couple of months have worked. i do not want to hear that this treatment isn't helping me.

i am also scared to go on the second treatment because last time (though this time will be at a lower dose) my liver started to fail and i had to go off treatment entirely and onto steroids. if my liver does that again, treatment is off. and this time, we would know these two treatments aren't going to work for me. these are the realities that i know exist and that i might have to (but hopefully don't) face.

i woke up at 2:30am last night and could not get back to sleep. by the time i started to actually get tired, my alarm was going off. figures. but i don't expect to have much sleep tonight either. no surprises there.

my friend beth is going into scca tomorrow too for appointments to follow up on the spots on her lung. so we will cross paths likely at some point, and we consider being there at the same time good luck so hopefully we are right this time too. please send her good thoughts and love and mojo as they continue to work with her to determine what those spots may be (we know they aren't cancer, right? right. but they can't biopsy them yet because they aren't large enough so she is working with them on some other tests). thanks for sending her the love. i know that she really appreciates it.

as always, thanks for all the love that you send to me.

i will carry it with me throughout the day tomorrow.

i will post an update here as soon as i get the chance.

thanks for coming along on this ride.

it continues to be one hell of a rollercoaster. that is for sure.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

here we go, hang on tight. xo

ps) love this post from my friend liz about her word for 2017 -- attention. great choice.