tick tock

the picture shows what both of my arms currently look like. unfortunately, my derm biopsied two moles today - one on each arm. i have stitches in both arms and will go back in two weeks to get them taken out. i will get the results either the end of this week or beginning of next week, the nurse told me to not expect to hear this week on the results. perfect. i will  likely get the pleasure of waiting through the weekend too. love that. i got to top the day off with doing my shot.

i am so sick and tired of being poked and stitched. blood tests every four weeks when i see my oncologist. the needles that are used to numb the biopsy area. the biopsy itself. the stitching up of my skin. during the high dose treatments, having needles put in my arms to get my iv in place, sometimes multiple times in one day if they couldn't get my veins to cooperate. my shots three times a week for treatment.

i also really hate the fact that i have scars all over now. the only places that i don't have scars are my legs and from my neck up. i have scars on both arms, and just added two more locations today. i also have scars on my stomach, my back, and my collarbone area. the scars serve as a constant daily reminder to me of the melanoma and i hate that. i can't change my clothes, look in the mirror, take a shower, wear shortsleeved shirts, wear my swimsuit to go to lessons with malena, pick up a bag to put on my shoulder...really i can't do anything without seeing atleast one of the scars. if the ones on my arms and back are covered, the ones on my collarbone are always visible. it is just one part of this that i really am frustrated by, even on a day when i don't feel like complete crap, i can't physically get away from it.

waiting on test results is also not at the top of my fun list. i just want to know what is going to happen next, and not play the "what ifs" around in my head over and over again. those "what ifs" creep in and they are harder than hell to get rid of until the results come in. i am sure that you will hear more from me on waiting on results, because i am already stressed about the waiting i will have to do in august on my scans and those aren't even scheduled yet.

after my appointment, i had the ability to catch my breath before i came home thanks to my wonderful mom-in-law that watches malena on mondays. i was emotional when i left the docs office, and i made myself a deal when i started treatment that i would not let malena see me upset or not feeling well unless i just couldn't help it. i have never once let her see me getting my shots. there have only been a few times that i have had to lay down while she is awake because i was so nauseas, but otherwise, i have tried very hard to not make her feel like something is wrong or that mommy is upset or not feeling well. it has been very tough at times to not let her know that i don't feel well, but that has always been important to me and it is one thing that i can control. so, i got myself together and came home, but of course malena saw my bandages right away when i took my coat off and she said "mommy has two owies". we left it at that. i don't think that she thought twice about it the rest of the night. mission accomplished.

as i was driving home, one of the songs that has been on my ipod rotation lately came on. the song is called "jar of hearts" and is by christina perri. i have listened to this song many times, but today driving home the chorus took on a different meaning for me than what is actually intended by the lyrics documenting a heartbreak....."and who do you think you are, running 'round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart, you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, so don't come back for me, who do you think you are." enough said.

i am taking my stitches to bed now, and am going to try and get some sleep, so i can get up tomorrow and move through another day.....which, stitches and scars and all other things considered, i am thankful for beyond words.

xo, alli