long time, no blog

+++ as always, didn’t intend to step away from the blog. but it happened. the truth is that i used to write blogs at night after malena went to sleep. i now to go the sleep at the same time she does usually because i am so tired so i haven’t carved out the pocket of time for the blog yet. need to work on that.

+++ i am on the second med now (so taking two treatment drugs now along with my anxiety meds and various others). i had a checkup yesterday and bloodwork looked good. i have been having a lot of pain on my left side so i had an ekg and a x-ray. no indications of tumors or lesions so i must have just really pulled a muscle somehow. so that was good news and hopefully the pain lessens over the coming weeks. i will go back in about two weeks for another checkup and then scans will occur after the holidays.

+++ my hair continues to fall out and am getting bald spots. i have been wearing hats pretty much every day because it is emotionally hard to see my hair fall out during the day and so hats give me a break from that for a few hours at least.

+++ i am really fatigued and tired. some days are worse than others. but i am just so tired, hence the going to bed at the same time that my 9 year old daughter does. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

+++ the joint pain continues on and i am trying to keep that under control through a combo of advil and tylenol. i feel like those are currently my go to’s between my joint pain and the pain i have on my left side that takes my breath away sometimes when i move.

+++ i have had to cancel out on plans many times because of how i am feeling. and i hate that.

+++ i celebrated michael and jennifer getting the best news possible – she went in for scans and they found no signs of cancer. it does not get any better than that my friends. the best news ever. and that is an understatement.

+++ i am rooting for my friend mary in wisconsin as she has started her cancer treatments, and she too is feeling serious fatigue. but like the fighter she is, she is hanging in there like a champ.

+++ i got the chance to meet kelli (that we are doing the happy mail campaign for) in person for the first time and that was great. i wish we were meeting under different circumstances. she rocks as i expected she would and we chatted at starbucks for like 2 hours straight like we had done that a million times before. i am looking forward to doing that again soon. if you are on instagram, you should be following her (let me know if you need her handle). you will laugh and you will cry – and you will cheer her on for being so damn brutally honest about being a young widow and the grief. oh, the grief – the topic that is so hard for people to talk about but it is the one topic those dealing with it need to talk about the most – next to talking about the people they lost.

+++ i am still cheering on my friend lisa that we did a happy mail campaign for as she continues to heal and deal with the after effects of her surgeries for breast cancer.

+++ i am still so proud of my sister-in-law kim for walking 60 miles for breast cancer in september and will be using her for inspiration to train for our annual 5k run and polar plunge on new year’s day. i have kelli talked into the run and plunge too this year, and she is doing a fundraiser for melanoma research foundation – and if she earns enough – she will do the plunge and let it get videotaped. you know i will be sending out more information on that soon.

+++ my anxiety has seemed to be increasing, and it comes along with this voice that tells me i am doing a crappy job at work, at being a wife, at being a friend, at being a mom, at being…the list goes on and on. it is interesting how anxiety grabs hold and tells you stories after stories and you start to pretty much wholeheartedly believe them. i am trying hard not to, but that voice is hard to overcome. i am going to try to increase my anxiety meds to calm the voices because they are getting louder and louder. i share that because i don’t think that we talk about anxiety enough in this society, and for some reason it seems like this dirty little secret you aren’t supposed to talk about but learn to life with. at this point, i need my meds or i don’t think i would be able to get out of bed many days. so knowing when i need more help is ok, for me, not asking for the help isn’t because i never want to go through what i did last year when i had the massive panic attacks that i didn’t think that i was going to find my way through.

+++ i officially have what i call “treatment brain”. i often can’t remember where i parked. i spent probably 10 minutes looking for my car in the safeway parking lot on monday night and i wasn’t in the store that long. more days then not i can’t remember where i parked at work. i can’t remember words that i want to say. i can’t remember names. i forget simple things. like tonight at dinner the bill came, and then i went to sign it and there was only one piece of paper and no pen. and i was clearly confused. then my friend kindly reminded me i hadn’t even put my card down to pay yet. ugh. the brain gets all muddled up with the drugs, that is for sure.

+++ i have headaches almost every day and i never have headaches. they are not enjoyable. my empathy to all of you that suffer from headaches and migraines. i always knew it had to be miserable, now i feel your pain. it feels like my whole head is about to implode, and i get the worst of it in the back of my head.

+++ i am wondering how in the hell is it almost thanksgiving. seriously.

+++ i am excited about all of the things that i want to do in november/december that are fun and things we only get to do this time of year. holding on to old traditions, and embracing new ones.

+++ i am missing reading. a lot. i haven’t found the time for that after i had to quit going to the sauna a couple of times a week due to my meds. somehow need to find that time back. i so miss turning those pages (i am a hardback book girl).

+++ i saw “a star is born” – if you haven’t, you must. enough said. i may or may not have sang the soundtrack out loud with my sister this last weekend when we had a road trip home. she sang too by the way and we pretty much rock as a duo. we may have also listened to some kenny rogers. we may have used our thumbs as microphones. you’ve got to know when to hold them….

+++ i have been watching my girl swim, cheer, do gymnastics, hearing her at the end of choir, and loving all of it (maybe a little less when it is outside and cold and/or rainy).

+++ i am wondering how it is possible that my girl will turn 10 next week. can’t process that one at all. but i can definitely process that my husband will turn 40 this weekend and will finally again be in the same decade as me. yes to that!

+++ i have found that my taste buds have changed and some things sound good, some do not. and it can change day by day and hour by hour which makes it especially fun annoying to try and plan meals for the week or even the day.

+++ i have really wanted to win the mega-millions. really bad. like, really, really bad. but so far, that hasn’t happened yet. dammit.

+++ i am overjoyed that my friend beth (yes, the beth we all root and cheer for on this blog) is getting married on saturday. i can't say in words how happy i am for her and her awesome fiancé lars. bring on the kleenex because i will definitely be needing them. probably two boxes. all to myself. just to get through the ceremony. two more for the reception.

+++ i have become 100% convinced that my slippers make my life better. if i could wear them 24/7, i so would.

+++ i have already started my christmas shopping as i refuse to be frantic the week before the holiday. ok, i probably will be anyways (thanks anxiety) but at least i won’t need to buy all the presents that week. go me.

+++ i hope that you all have a good thursday. we are almost creeping over the finish line.

+++ xoxo