long time, no write

sorry that it has been so long that I have written in this space. 

the weeks have gone fast.

things leading up to the hospital visit were quick. as I think that I may have wrote in blog posts around that time, I was having a lot of problems with side effects and I was only 8 days in.

on the 9th day (which was a Thursday), I had spiked a fever over 104 early in the day and had some of the worst chills I have ever had that night which then created another fever. we called the nurses line and they said to take aleve and if my fever didn't break I was going to need to go off the treatment drugs and likely to the ER.

at 2am, I went down to take my medication. my blood pressure must have been really low at that point because here is what I remember. I got my meds out. that is all I remember. what I must have also done after that was get some juice out. because there was juice all over the floor and the bottle was on the counter. at some point after getting the juice out, I completed passed out. I went down hard with my head and my lower back hitting the freezer drawer handle on our fridge. when I came to, I was soaked from falling right into the juice on the floor and I kept coming in and out of consciousness. when I was conscious, I was screaming for barrett and my mom (who was staying with us). in about the 4th round of coming to, barrett heard me and came racing down. we got me back to bed and called the nurses and they had said I would likely to go to the hospital early in the morning.

in the morning, I was in bed and felt like I was ok to just walk from our bed to the bathroom. I was wrong. at some point right as I was heading into the bathroom, I passed out again and went down without anything breaking my fall. this time the left side of my head took the blow when I went down straight against the bathroom wall. barrett and my mom heard my fall and came racing up, I only know that because they told me that. when I came to, they were both in the bathroom helping me and I kept going in and out again.

a call to the nurse confirmed I needed to go to the hospital asap.

I could not stop from recurrently passing out so barrett had to carry me to the car like a baby in his arms. when he put me in the car, I was passed out so when I came to I was scared because I didn't know where I was for a second but him and my mom were there to tell me that I was going to the hospital and that is why I was in the car.

I got the fastest check-in ever I think that the ER, not that I remember it because I was so out of it. 

when I checked into the ER, my blood pressure was at 51/18. not good.

that lead to being in the hospital from Friday - Thursday when I got released. a lot of that week was a blur to me of being moved three times in the first 24 hours, once from the ER and twice within the ICU. getting a needle entered into my port and lots of meds. a needle getting put into my arm that hurt so badly my entire body was locked with pain because the vein kept rolling on her so she couldn't get the needle in. being woke up every hour for blood pressure checks, meds, bathroom, etc.

I gained about 30 pounds within 24 hours from all the liquids and had a tremendous amount of swelling.

in the end, they could not determine if it was solely side effects from the meds I was on and/or an infection that caused all of the problems. regardless, I was off of my treatment meds and on antibiotics. I finished the antibiotics and I will start my new treatment drugs that we are going to try on Wednesday of this week. I am not going to go into all of the side effects of that those right now because I don't feel like it, so overwhelming.

what I can tell you about that weekend is that it was father's day (which we made up for the following week) and malena's last week of school  was when I was in the hospital and all of her final activities which can't be made up for. that was a really hard week emotionally for me to be in the hospital instead of with her at all of those final activities. I am not going to go into that much more because it was so hard and even writing this is hard for me. but she was my favorite visitor and came to give me smiles multiple times in the hospital (not that kids should ever have to do that in the first place).

also while I was in the hospital I got the news that John that I had wrote about in the blog (a fellow melanoma stage IV fighter) had laid down his fighting gloves for the last time. that was a tremendous blow. I would ask that you send him and his wife kelli, who is doing her best to keep putting one foot in front of the other ,your prayers and love. I could say more here about that, but I won't because frankly it is so close to home and though I had not met John and have not met Kelli yet (plan to), it was so devastating to get that news.

after I got home from the hospital, I also got the news that Judy (who I have wrote about on this blog many times and recently asked for your prayers as she went through a major surgery) had her tumor come back immediately after the surgery. Judy already knew from the doctor that there would be no more surgeries, so Judy is now home with hospice care with her family by her side. please send all of your thoughts and prayers to Judy, her husband Wayne, and their entire family including Kristina who I think that I might have literally been tied to in high school as it seemed we were never apart.

beth continues to take it day by day as she undergoes chemo and she has scans coming up to see how the chemo is working so get the good vibes going for her please.

and there has been some joy....

lisa got clear results on her latest tests last week as she recovers from breast cancer treatments so I am super thankful for that.

Kaylee's scans came back clear and she is cancer free! it does not get better than that. such good news for her.

and in this space, I have been quiet as I recover from getting so sick, that really took a toll and I have been fighting to get any energy back. I think that I could sleep all day but I am trying not to do that but mornings are hard and I am tired in the afternoons. I have not caught my sleep schedule all the way back to normal yet from being in the hospital when you sleep during the day and are all up all night long. ugh.

and in this space, I have been quiet as I haven't had the energy and I guess I don't really know what to say expect everything medically sucks and I hope that these new drugs work but I know they are going to kick my ass so I am up against the clock to prepare for that.

since going in the hospital, I have also had to give up some dreams. we had planned to go to france this summer, and I had been dreaming about it for most of a year I think and could see so clearly in my mind that picture of us in front of the Eiffel tower. but the timing is not right so we are letting that go for right now, not for ever, just for now. But I won't tell you that it isn't hard as I had looked forward to that for so long. so we are planning some other trips closer to home so I am close to home and my doctors as needed throughout the summer. and those trips will create special memories all to themselves, that my heart does know.

so this blog may be my first where there are lots of capitals, but I am not going to correct it. one because I don't have the time as I need to pick up my kiddo and two because I am just going to roll with it for today (that must give you a hint of how much energy I have).

I hope the last few weeks have been good to you all, sorry for the quiet in this space, it won't be quiet for so long next time. 

take good care. xoxo