"magic love"
"all we ever ask for is a little magic and a whole lot of love, but to us they are one in the same"
(j. iron ward)
we did not get the news we all hoped for on friday for beth.
a spot on her lung has grown and she will head in for a biopsy on thursday morning and when she gets the results we will know whether it is cancer or not.
i know it won't be - she has just moved into a condo she remodeled, she is dating an awesome man, she has a ton of things to look forward to this year - she deserves a solid and good year.
she doesn't deserve to go through this.
here is how she feels tonight in her own words:
"I still don't know what to say. I can't even believe this is a possibility. That there could be cancer in my lungs. I thought I would have this year, I honestly didn't believe a biopsy would happen this year. That one spot seemed to grow a lot to me based on previous growth. And no other spots grew and no new ones so I also find that interesting. I really didn't expect my doctor to walk in and tell me they were going to biopsy. I knew when he walked in he didn't have good news to share. He doesn't do small talk when we are waiting for scan results, but I could just tell when he walked in. We all cried.
The biopsy is scheduled for Thursday. I go in at 7 am for labs, check in for a CT assisted biopsy at 8 am. I will be under conscious sedation and the procedure should last an hour. Then I stay at the hospital for 4 hours to recover before they send me home, as long as all looks good and something weird didn't happen to my lungs. It will take 2-3 days before I get the results. I told the doctor to just call me with the results before my appointment.
The follow up appointment isn't scheduled yet. I am supposed to be in Portland the 3rd and 4th for work. I decided to keep the trip. I will know the news and an extra day or two before my appointment with my oncologist won't make a difference. But I hate that I will likely hear the news in Portland when I am not surrounded by my closest circle.
I did ok this weekend. I am really tired. I was able to focus some on the condo. We got a lot done. I did see my brother, niece and nephew. I felt a little bit like a hollow shell. I was there but not fully present. I did volunteer this morning at SCCA House. My mom came with me for the first time and I am glad she got to experience. I am glad I went but it was also hard. Everyone has their story there, And all are different. But it was hard for me to think about getting sick again. And treatment. I had many good things planned for this year and I don't want anything to take away from them. But I had moments of sadness and fear too this weekend, and confusion on top of sometimes just denial.
My doctor told me if it is cancer, and he has to believe it is until proven otherwise, he would then do another test to determine if it was curable or not. Then he would look at surgical options, of course chemo and clinical trials. It sounds like I could start right away on chemo if the biopsy is positive. That is all he told us about first steps, nothing else to tell me now until we know more.
I am really sad. I didn't expect this for my life, not that anyone does. I ate some things I liked this weekend in case I do have to go on chemo and I start hating food again. I finally felt like I could look forward and plan things ahead that I enjoy and now I feel like that is taken away from me again. That makes me angry. I also wonder if my busy life the past few months did indeed make things worst for me. So many thoughts floating through my head.
My mom switched her flight to stay through the biopsy which is helpful.
I thank you all for your ongoing love, support and prayers. Here's hoping it's something else besides cancer."
The biopsy is scheduled for Thursday. I go in at 7 am for labs, check in for a CT assisted biopsy at 8 am. I will be under conscious sedation and the procedure should last an hour. Then I stay at the hospital for 4 hours to recover before they send me home, as long as all looks good and something weird didn't happen to my lungs. It will take 2-3 days before I get the results. I told the doctor to just call me with the results before my appointment.
The follow up appointment isn't scheduled yet. I am supposed to be in Portland the 3rd and 4th for work. I decided to keep the trip. I will know the news and an extra day or two before my appointment with my oncologist won't make a difference. But I hate that I will likely hear the news in Portland when I am not surrounded by my closest circle.
I did ok this weekend. I am really tired. I was able to focus some on the condo. We got a lot done. I did see my brother, niece and nephew. I felt a little bit like a hollow shell. I was there but not fully present. I did volunteer this morning at SCCA House. My mom came with me for the first time and I am glad she got to experience. I am glad I went but it was also hard. Everyone has their story there, And all are different. But it was hard for me to think about getting sick again. And treatment. I had many good things planned for this year and I don't want anything to take away from them. But I had moments of sadness and fear too this weekend, and confusion on top of sometimes just denial.
My doctor told me if it is cancer, and he has to believe it is until proven otherwise, he would then do another test to determine if it was curable or not. Then he would look at surgical options, of course chemo and clinical trials. It sounds like I could start right away on chemo if the biopsy is positive. That is all he told us about first steps, nothing else to tell me now until we know more.
I am really sad. I didn't expect this for my life, not that anyone does. I ate some things I liked this weekend in case I do have to go on chemo and I start hating food again. I finally felt like I could look forward and plan things ahead that I enjoy and now I feel like that is taken away from me again. That makes me angry. I also wonder if my busy life the past few months did indeed make things worst for me. So many thoughts floating through my head.
My mom switched her flight to stay through the biopsy which is helpful.
I thank you all for your ongoing love, support and prayers. Here's hoping it's something else besides cancer."
so i would like to inundate beth with happy mail this week. since they are just getting moved in and settled, this campaign will just be cards/postcards/post-it notes, however you might want to communicate via good ol' snail mail. if you would like to send beth a little love this week, i would appreciate it and i know that she would too.
you know the drill. email me, text me, message me, send smoke signals, trip me, hire a goodyear blimp with a sign - whatever it takes to get my attention and i will get her address to you asap.
there are a million words that describe how i felt when i got the news on friday. many of which beth writes above. sad. angry. afraid. and as i always am, i am so pissed someone that ilove is going through another episode of having to deal with even the possibility of cancer.
i am so damn sick and tired of it. for all of us.
the cures can't come fast enough.
but until they do, we can send some love.
i hope you will join me.
anywhere i fight, beth has always fought right along with me.
now it is time to get in the ring and fight with her.
gloves up.
xo
damn. I was thinking of her on Friday. you know you can count me in for snail mail - can you send me her address? xoxo
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