the shit and the joy

+++ the side effects from the treatment have kicked in and the fatigue is in full effect as are some of the other side effects, dry mouth - dry skin, etc. but, the fatigue. oh man, i am tired. (the shit)

+++ my taste buds are not back to normal but green tea tastes good again and i am loving that. (the joy).

+++ starbucks now has a gluten free breakfast sandwich that is really, really good. i am also loving that. green tea and the sandwich make me pretty happy, i can't deny that. (the joy).

+++ the anxiety over the last couple of weeks has been really hard for me. i am taking multiple meds to help me get through the day, and one to help me sleep at the night. and i need them. the anxiety is running high, and how i do depends on the day. i woke up in a panic attack last sunday morning and did not have a good day. some mornings i wake up and think that i can make it through the day ok. other mornings i wake up and am paralyzed by the anxiety. i see the psychiatrist again on friday so we will see where we go from there. i think that the anxiety has definitely added to the fatigue, and the anxiety meds create their own side effects (memory issues, pending on dosages i can't drive because some are like narcotics, etc.). but i could not make it through the day without them so for now it is what it is. (the shit).

+++ jennifer has met with her team of doctors and they are working on coming up with a plan on next steps for her. the fact that she has a good team of doctors working collectively on a plan for her (the joy/hope). the fact that she has to deal with cancer again (the shit. obviously). thanks again to all who signed up for the happy mail campaign for her. you are awesome. but we already knew that didn't we? yes, we did.

+++ mary has had two treatments and the second one had side effects where she felt like she had the flu and was down for the count for the day (the shit). she is doing better and will do her next treatment this coming friday on the 19th so start kicking up the mojo her way please. she is going to run in a 5k on the 21st. go mary go for kicking some running ass while going through treatment (the joy).

+++ i only need to use the cane in the morning when i am pretty wobbly (the joy). sometimes during the day i lose my balance but it just happens for a moment. i do not miss walking with the cane, but i do miss feeling like i have my grandpa physically close to me.

+++ i had a scan on thursday (the shit). my last scans showed an area that looked like an infection in my lung. my oncologist wants to make sure that it is what it was. if it was an infection, it will hopefully be gone in the scans. we get results on monday at 2:30. so starting kicking up the vibes and mojo.

+++ monday is a treatment day if my bloodwork cooperates. the shit because i am doing cancer treatment. the joy because there are drugs for me to do cancer treatment and hopefully continue to keep those tumors from spreading/growing.

+++ i have been quiet in this space primarily because of the fatigue. i am going to bed pretty much as soon as malena does. and i am trying to make it through working full time and a lot of stress going on for me related to work, and still feeling like i am catching up on our personal lives. hopefully things even out and i get back to this space more again soon (the hopeful joy).

+++ sunday is mom's day (the joy). tonight i will be doing a camp out with my girl who is already lights out. today i got to celebrate with my awesome mom-in-law and dad-in-law and bro-in-law (great joy). tomorrow i get to celebrate again with my mom, dad, brother/sis-in-law, and i get to see my grandma and other family members. and of course, i get to celebrate with malena and barrett. i am super thankful for this day and another year of celebrating getting to be this 8 year old's (how is that possible?) mom. being her mom has been the greatest thing i have ever done and it challenges me everyday in all of the best ways and keeps me learning everyday on how best to help her grow and face the world. i am so, so lucky to get to spend my days with her and i don't take that for granted for a second (the joy).

+++ i know that mom's day is not happy for all women. some are missing their moms who are not physically with them any longer. some don't have great relationships with their moms. some wish with everything they had that they were a mom. some mourn kids they have lost. some don't have great relationships with their kids. so my heart goes out to all of those whose hearts ache on this day and for whom mother's day is a hard day to get through. (the shit)

+++ i hope that whatever this sunday brings for you, you find some time to enjoy some part of the day in whatever way makes you happy (the joy).

+++ more to come on monday. thanks for all the vibes and love.

+++ anywhere i fight, you fight. and the fight continues on. xo