round 12 is in the books

round 12.

in the books.

bloodwork looked good so all systems were go.

met with my psychiatrist for an hour, thank goodness for her, she doesn't make me feel like i am totally losing my mind and the baby steps i am taking (which seem like bigfoot steps to me) are helping to slowly start to deal with the anxiety. i like her, she makes me realize that i am starting to find some coping mechanisms that i would never realize on my own.

this time i was so tired that i slept every chance i got this morning. normally i would work through treatment and the waiting times in between appointments. not today. i was lights out every chance i got and and then barrett and i headed for some lunch and then to work for a couple of hours to round out the day.

on saturday night i could barely keep my eyes open around 6, we had a busy day. so i told barrett i was going to lay down for about half an hour and to come and get me up. next thing i know it was 8am sunday (he had come up and then i went right back to sleep). i slept straight through the night which apparently i needed.

but in the morning when i woke i had some major anxiety because i felt like there things that i should have got done saturday night. but i was able to shake that off after i just calmed myself down a little and my meds started to kick in.

i hope that your weeks are all to great starts. this one is going to be a long one for this kid with work, so off to zzzzzzzzzzzzz i go.

anywhere i fight, you fight.

and this year has sure been a hell of a fight with myself and with the tumors.

xoxo

you all are magic

"in order to kick ass you must first lift up your foot"

(jen sincero)

you all are magic.

we got good news on both counts today. and i love you for that.

beth got news that the spots on her lungs are stable, she does not go back for scans for 6 months. woohoo!!!! 6 months can feel like getting your life back for a while. so, so happy for her.

mary also got good news today - her doctor feels that everything is stable and she does not need to have another ultrasound until january. woohoo!!!!

so happy for them both, great news for a friday. a double whammie of good news.

thanks for all the love, mojo and prayers. they worked. you all are the best.

have a good weekend, i for one will be breathing way easier. and i know beth and mary will be too.

xoxo

kick up the mojo between 9 and 11am

ok, kick up all your good mojo tomorrow between 9-11 because that is when beth goes in for her scans. which we all know are going to be totally clear, right? right.

thanks for all of the love, mojo and prayers, i know that she really appreciates it.

here is how she is feeling tonight in her own words, it is her own story  to tell after all....

love you beth, you have got this, these scans will be clear, and you will keep on fighting.

xoxo

"Scanxiety"

Journal entry by Beth Peterson — 3 hours ago

Well they are here already.  Tomorrow morning are the scans. I go in at 9:40 to drink contrast and get my labs, scans at 10:40.  I remember from last time that having scans at SCCA was nicer than at UW Medical Center, less crowded and chaotic.   A little place to recover after with snacks.

I am glad my parents are here. They got in last night.  We played a bit this afternoon but now the realness sets in.  What they are really here for. 

I have been sleeping ok with help...but not as great recently.  I am nervous and anxious but it is different than last time. If I really stop to think about what the results mean it terrifies me.  Because each time I go in it can impact my future.  And I keep thinking about how this doesn't End for me. I will be scanned for a long time.  No matter what they find.  So my hope and prayers are for no growth and in fact shrinkage of those spots.

I will let you know how tomorrow goes. Thank you for your love, support and prayers. 

for beth and mary

please send you good vibes, mojo and prayers to my friends beth and mary this week.

beth goes in for scans on thursday and gets her results on friday.

mary has an ultrasound on friday to make sure that the tumors have not come back.

so we need all your good thoughts sent to seattle and to little chute, wisconsin this week.

i know that beth's scans will show no change, and mary's ultrasound will be clear.

i am super smart about these types of things, but i like to have your mojo going for them just as extra insurance.

i hope that you are all having a good week, and to those of you affected by or have loved ones in the path of harvey or irma, our thoughts are with you and yours. xo

11 in the books

round 11 is in the books.

bloodwork was good.

scans are on october 27th and results are on the 30th.

thanks for all the love and support.

another one down. 

work your magic on those tumors.

nevertheless, she persisted.

how true that is.

xo

here comes round 11

tomorrow will be round 11 if my bloodwork cooperates.

since i posted about round 10 we took a week off of work to go to disneyland and take a trip to bend, oregon. it was our first family vacation in over a year and i think more than well deserved.

when i was in infusion for round 10, my new psychiatrist came in to see me. we had a really good discussion and i really like her so i hope that she stays around for a while.

there were many parts of our discussion that have stayed with me since we talked. but there is one that i probably think about every single day.

since she hadn't met me yet, she was getting the quick story on my background and what led to my severe panic attacks and the anxiety i have been fighting daily since the end of march. so we talked about the current status of things, how i have been feeling due to treatment and my daily battle with anxiety and how that has really turned things upside down for me, how i am still working full time, being a mom, etc. we also talked about how i don't feel like i am doing a very good job at any of the roles that i have. i don't say that to make a pity statement, i say that as part of the daily battle that i go through with my anxiety and the emotional agony that comes along with it.

we were talking about how i am my harshest critic (self admitted) and i have high expectations of myself that everything i do is done well. and that with the growing fatigue continuing, the tiredness from that and the anxiety meds, the other side effects i am dealing with, that i am just so tired that i just can't do many of the things that i want to do or am used to doing before i got so sick earlier this year (and to be honest, in some ways even back to when i was sick last summer on the steroids).

at one point, she leaned forward and looked my right in the eye and said "you have cancer. you are sick. you are going through cancer treatment every other week. you are tired. you can't do everything you are used to doing. you just can't. i am shocked you are even working full time right now."

you have cancer. you are sick. 

those words. i don't think that someone has directly said to me "you have cancer" since the day i was diagnosed. 

and then the tears came.

but she did that to make a needed point. it worked.

because that is so hard to hear but of course i know that. and she is right. i have cancer. i am sick. and i am tired. and i can't do everything i want to do and that frustrates the absolute shit out of me.

so i am trying with baby steps. but it is hard. i slept in late on saturday because i was so tired to only go straight into anxiety the second i woke up because i hadn't got up sooner and started doing something that needed to be done. the same thing happened on sunday but sunday i just about went into a severe panic attack. i had to remind myself (and barrett helped me) that my body is telling me i need to rest. and oftentimes, the weekends are the only time i get to.

it is all so hard and i hope that with time it gets better and easier. the start of school has us back in a routine again and maybe that will help me.

i hope so.

i would love to gain some normalcy of what my life was like before i got so sick. like writing here. one of the things i like the most and never do. so maybe not as much as i used to before i got sick (that is obvious as i hardly post anymore) but more that i have been doing. and maybe that means i let something else go that is less important.

i am trying to figure it all out.

but in the meantime, time marches on and treatment days come.

tomorrow is one of those days.

so onward. one way or another.

anywhere i fight, you fight. xo