the only choice

"you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice."

(bob marley)

 

 

love that quote. for those of you that don't know, bob marley's passing was due to melanoma. maybe that is why i love that one so much.

i am super tired tonight. i didn't sleep well at all last night - and these days, the bar is not high for what i consider "sleeping well". it is about a 1/2 inch off of the ground at this point.

best news of the day, our dear friend sharon had a great check up today marking two years for her of being cancer free. awesome news. love those good results that keep coming from her visits.

i had the bloodwork drawn for the naturopath so that we can meet up and go over those results next tuesday. i am curious to see what the bloodwork will indicate we need to focus on so that we can get started. they took eight vials of blood, i am pretty sure that i don't have any left at this point. it is another reason why i might be feeling just a little bit exhausted tonight.

this thursday i will meet with the nutrionist to get into the details of how to make the switch to the new diet. she will even go to the grocery store with me next week to pick out food - how awesome is that? love that i will have some real time help as i pick out which type of almond milk i might like;)

i am going to make an appointment with my counselor to work on moving through the guilt, in addition to overall help to keep me moving forward. my parents have been in town the last two days helping me out with some things i wanted to get done - love them. my mom and i had a tear filled talk today our guilt - the guilt i carry that i wrote about yesterday, the guilt she carries of not forcing me to get in for that biopsy sooner that i did. i hate that she has guilt, but i can understand it. you always want to protect your kids from hurt, always - and not being able to is the worst feeling. i know that feeling in spades.

i have decided that i will go back to work on 3/25, more to come on that later. was going to aim for 3/18, but i need more time so i pushed it out a week. a good step for me, making the decisions that i feel are right and best for me.

all of these new steps that i am taking are really overwhelming for me. but just like with sleeping well, the bar isn't high for feeling overwhelmed either. that bar might be just about a 1/4 inch off the floor.

as i was writing this post, malena started screaming due to a bug being in her room. i think it was a nightmare, but she was positive it was in her room. so i calmed her down and promised that i would stay in her room to make sure that no bugs came in. i kept my promise until she was deep asleep. that was one of the best and toughest moments of the day combined. i always want to be here to make her nightmares go away. that is my job to do. 

i feel like i will never make it through another day without being an absolute crying mess, like i am again as i write this. i promise that not every post is going to include some story of me crying, because relieving it in writing isn't always the best for me either. but there are times when it helps me heal a bit from the day, a way to kind of leave the hurt behind and gear up for another day. i also feel like i am pretty much an open book with what i have always shared, the highs and the deep lows. i am going to keep being honest, but i do know that it is not always easy to read just like it is not always easy to write. but writing it and reading it are nothing compared to living it.

but like bob says...being strong is the only choice. xo

 

magic wand

i had my derm appointment this morning and all was well with that one mole - no need for a biopsy. total relief. of course i had a tough moment when i told him the latest, he had known about the surgery but not about the results. i think that i am going to just start carrying kleenex in my hand everywhere i go, it will save me the time of pulling one out of my purse each time the tears start to flow. all of those minutes saved could add up to me accomplishing something productive.

i also got the news on my next scans today. 4/29 for scans, 4/30 for results. i think that i will be anxious and nervous every day between now and 4/30. i can already feel the pit in my stomach starting to churn. knowing the dates is always such a mix of dread and knowledge. i don't have to wonder any longer about which dates in april are going to tell us the next chapter of how this story continues, but now i can hear the tick tock of the clock on the scan countdown.

i met with a naturopath today and she confirmed what i thought that she was going to tell me. switching to a vegan diet + no sugar is going to give my immune system the best shot it has at fighting cancer. i have bloodwork tomorrow and then i meet again with her in a week to review the results so that we know what areas we need to focus on (thyroid, vitamin b, adrenals, etc.). in the meantime, i am going to start switching my diet. more to come on that, this is going to be an interesting process but i am committed to trying to my best to follow it.

two interesting articles that i came across today. a good article from women's health with three myths about tanning beds. also, i read this post about the negative committee and could totally relate to her words. took me right back to the day when i lost my friend jim. i can relate to her words because i felt the exact same way she did when i was stage iii, and the irony is, that now feels like a lifetime ago. being stage iii feels like another life i lived, one that was super scary - but was not even close to as scary as the life i live now. 

i wish there was a magic wand that could take me back in time. the magic wand would take me out of the tanning beds i used a couple of times before weddings or vacations (makes me so sick to my stomach to even write that - as well as the other words that will follow). the magic wand would take me out of the sun when i was not using sunscreen or when i was using bathing oil to try and perfect a really good tan. the magic wand would make me notice that the mole on my collarbone was changing and that i should see a dermatologist. the guilt i carry from not noticing and not doing something is heavier than you could ever imagine. our lives could be so much different today. the magic wand would take me back to my stage iii diagnosis and i would have drastically changed my diet then had i known it in any way could have changed february 20th. the magic wand would reverse july 16th, 2010 and february 20th, 2013 and the results would be benign. the magic wand would tell me that i will get to live a long life, see my daughter grow up -- get married -- have her own kids. the magic wand would tell me that i will get to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary with barrett. when we walked in to alderbrook, the first thing that i saw was a welcome note to a family celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary. it was like a sucker punch to my gut, i want to celebrate one of those. the magic wand would take away the heartache that comes with every single day now, with the hardest part of each day never knowing when the toughest moments will come so that i can get ready and brace myself.

i am going to need one hell of a magic trick to avoid melanoma coming back.

but i have always believed in magic.

if this time it comes with less sugar and more spinach, count me in.

magic that i get to be a part of is the very best kind.

weekender

it was a great weekend around here.

friday night pizza party, s'mores and campout. you knew that would in the mix. i so love that new tradition, such a great way to start the weekend.

saturday morning cartoons.

a birthday party full of two hours of jumping fun. non stop. she was loving it.

 

 

a trip to our favorite place, alderbrook, on hood canal.

 



 

great fruit plate from alderbrook welcoming us to our fifth stay at the lodge.



 

 

 

ice cold reisling (thank you ladies, xoxo)

 

looking up and seeing blue sky. hello spring, you are looking good.

 

taking our skipping stone, making a wish (i am sure you can guess the wish), and throwing it out into the canal.

 

 





taking a walk down the pier and checking out the canal and the gorgeous colors around us.

our traditional pic on the pier

being back home and teaching malena a modified version of crib that focuses on her counting skills - i am sure that she will figure out the real game soon enough and will be beating both of us (or at least barrett;)) in no time.

there were of course tough moments within all three of the days. but tonight i choose to remember the great moments, as we were lucky to have more of those than tough ones.

i have a derm appt tomorrow to check out one mole i want him to look at, fingers crossed no biopsies needed. i also meet with the nutrionist tomorrow and i am really looking forward to that.

happy monday peeps - i hope your weekend was full of a lot of big and small moments for you to remember. xo

giveaway winner + a video you need to watch

the 5 "be brave" cards will be going to doreen;) congrats doreen, so excited to make them and send them to you in maui. i might try to squeeze myself in the envelope so that i can come over and see you too;)

you all need to take 5 minutes this weekend and watch this video. similar to the "dear 16 year old me" video that i have linked to before, it gives a personal connection to stories about melanoma and ways to protect yourself (wearing sunscreen and repeatedly applying, not using tanning bed, etc.).

i know that you have 5 minutes of your weekend that you can watch this.

it would mean a lot to me.

xo

brave (part ii) + giveaway reminder

(graphic from ali edwards)

i choose to become brave in my fight with stage iv melanoma.

so i decided today that i was going to watch a special that i had taped on robin roberts. it was a 20/20 special from last week that documented the process she went through for her bone marrow transplant recently. i had taped it last week because i really wanted to watch it, but wasn't ready to emotionally.

of course, i again used quite a few kleenex. i could identify with so much of what she said. how hard it was to tell her mom that she was sick again. how she was the baby of the family and had already had to fight through cancer once before. how no matter how old you are you want your mom when you are sick. how it was hard for her to have others take care of her when she always preferred to be the one taking care of others. how she could remember the exact moment and date when she got her diagnosis. how she went on the internet (even though everyone says not to) to look at information on her condition and emotionally lost it. in a magazine article, robin said that "i want to give people hope. i want to let them know there is another day. i can be fearful or i can be fearless. i choose to be fearless." i also loved how she said that her mom always told her kids "make your mess your message." when i heard that, i thought about this blog and how in many ways it has been one of the biggest parts of my message about this journey with melanoma. i heart robin roberts. i think that she is such a great role model of how to be brave.

i had an appointment today to get my hair cut. i was fine going in, but when i walked in and sat in the chair, i started to have flashbacks to the first time that i sat in that chair and met jeremy. my hair falling out. wearing a wig. having my hair cut short. clearly, that moment wasn't just about my hair, but more about how much i have already gone through. it just all rolled in like a tidal wave. as jeremy and i started talking, i could feel the tears coming. then he said "is something wrong? you don't seem like yourself." yep, that was all it took and the flood gates opened up wide and i have gave him a quick explanation. since jeremy has been directly affected by cancer, and i have been going to him for almost two years, he gets it. so he kneeled down, looked me in the eye, told me it was ok for us to just take a minute, and then he got me some kleenex (yes, kleenex again - i told you, a million a day are getting used around here). once i had pulled myself together (by taking some deep breaths and telling myself to be brave), he asked me what the next steps are and we spent the rest of the time chatting it up like we normally do. another hurdle jumped, my legs should be in pretty good shape soon;)

when i left the salon, i had a message on my phone from my friend mike. he had recorded an acoustic version of "carry on" for me, just him and his guitar. he also changed up the lyrics to the second verse to reflect our friendship and a bar we used to hang out at. i love that it is his voice, and the lyric change up took me by surprise and totally made me laugh. his timing on sending me that message could not have been more perfect. my own personal version of my new musical theme song. love it, and love my talented friend mike. i also love kicking his you-know-what at shuffleboard while drinking at a bar but that is an entirely different story;)

talented mike is married to awesome jen. a post about being brave is the perfect time to give an update about jen since she is one brave cancer warrior. first off, jen is super thankful (as am i) for everyone who has signed up for the fun mail for jen campaign. we are rocking it every week, and jen is so inspired by all of the positive vibes coming to her mailbox each week. in the last update on jen, she was going to go for a third opinion. jen has decided to not do that at this time, and she is going to see how the results are at her upcoming checkup in the next month or so. i will definitely keep you posted. i also wanted you to know that jen told me that she thinks that all of the good fun mail mojo was directly correlated to her getting some positive (though conflicting, hence contemplating the third opinion) news at her last appointment. i am pretty sure that as cancer has seen that fun mail rolling in it has decided that it is messing with the wrong person. i think cancer has packed up its bags and is going to leave her alone. that would definitely be mission accomplished for our fun mail campaign.
 
thanks to awesome jen, barrett and i will be taking a 1.5 hour hot air balloon ride sometime this spring/summer. how cool is that? it will be another first, i am so excited. but no one tell my mom, she isn't sure she is going to let me go up in a hot air balloon;) so let's just keep this our little secret (mom, pretend you aren't reading this part).

i also decided that there was one more piece of art that i needed to have in the house, so i ordered this print. i figured since it says "surrender your fear and be brave with your life" it was a necessary addition in our house.

i am also so excited for "carry on warrior" to come at the beginning of april. it will be available right before my scans, perfect timing. (jill p - sorry i didn't realize it was on pre-order when i linked to it originally. my bad. oops;))

also, reminder that if you want to be entered into the "be brave" card giveaway you need to leave a comment by midnight friday (pacific time). i will use the random number doodad to pick the winner and will give an update on saturday morning.

i hope that you all have a great weekend. make the most of it.

promise me you will enjoy all of the big and little moments. i know i will. xo

be brave + a giveaway

be brave.

those are the two words that i have adopted as my motto from now on. i am going to remind myself of those two words everyday, and as many times throughout each day as needed.

+++ i bought the "be brave" stamp from elise blaha that you can see in a picture in this post.i bought that stamp before we got the results. it was hard to buy the stamp. here is a little secret. i have had a hell of a time buying things that are related to making cards. i can't get over my fear kicking in and telling me that i shouldn't buy things that i will never have a chance to use. but i bought that one (big baby step), and i am so glad that i did.  i think that it will be a great addition to cards/envelopes reminding others to be brave in their own lives as well.

+++ i have decided that i need visual inspiration around the house to remind me each day that i need to be brave. so i have ordered this print and am so excited about it. i have the perfect spot in our house to hang it that i will walk buy multiple times each day. good and constant reinforcement. in addition, i was ordering a gift for someone else from this site (i literally could have ordered almost one of everything from this site, and the quality is awesome) and i found this print. i just got it in the mail and am going to be putting it up on my bedroom wall, it will be the first thing that i see when i wake up each morning.

+++ i have adopted this song as my new musical theme song. it keeps me company many times at night when the darkness and silence bring the weight of the day collapsing all around me.

+++ i am carving out time in my daily life for the things that are the most important to me. i am going to say no to the things that i don't want to do. saying no is a hell of a lot harder for me than saying yes.

+++ i am going to do as much as i can to change my diet and focus on foods that are going to give me the best fighting chance possible. since i already have one major strike against me with my celiac disease (which is an autoimmunce disease), i need to give my immune system the best fuel it can get. i have a ton of books to go through and have an appointment on monday with a nutrionist.

+++ i will do my best to go on living my life and not letting the statistics and fear plague me. it so unbelievably hard to try and keep living your life as if everything is normal and you will live a long life (or to not even have to think about that because it is just considered a given), meanwhile the black beast weighs constantly on your thoughts telling you that it isn't going to let your story end that way. i have no doubt that i will never get rid of those thoughts entirely on any given day. but, i look forward to a time when it isn't the first thing that comes to mind in the morning, the last thing i think about at night, and constantly throughout my day. like this morning when malena was talking about babies and said to me "momma, when i am a mommy like you i will have a baby in my tummy" and i immediately teared up because my first thought was that i might not get to see her be a mom or meet my grandchildren. truth is i can't even write this now without totally crying. i think that barrett may be right when he says that we are now on a crash "tears diet." i should invest in kleenex, i have to be their biggest customer in the country at this point.

+++ i am going to keep going to the counselor on a regular basis, that time is so well spent for me. it isn't easy to talk to someone else about things that are so personal, but as i have said before, if it was easy it wouldn't have anything to do with melanoma.

+++ i am going to schedule fun things for us to do on the weekends so we have plans to look forward to (cousin michelle, thanks again so much - you all rock). i will do things with friends, and have date nights with barrett. time away from malena is really hard for me. this weekend barrett and i are planning to get out of town for a day to try and regroup a little bit. right after we made the plan, i absolutely panicked about being away from malena and wanted to cancel and stay home to be close to her. but i overrode the panick, eventually...i think i was up almost all of monday night debating it in my head. but as my counselor reminded me of yesterday, i am a mother - but i am also a wife, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, etc. and i have to keep living my life in all of those roles.

+++ i decided that i needed to change up my phone cover so that each time i looked it (which is multiple times everyday) i was reminded that i need to be brave. i could not have found a more ideal cover than this be brave one with kelly rae robert's artwork. my motto + my favorite artist, it doesn't get any better than that my friends.

+++ i am going to continue to spend quality time with my dream couch - that couch surrounds me with bravery every single time i sit on it.

since i have that new stamp, and you know that making cards makes me happy, i figured it is time for a little giveaway. you all know the drill by now. leave a comment on the blog (click over to the blog if you are reading this via email) by friday midnight (pacific time peeps) and i will use the random number wizard to select the winner. i will make 5 cards using the stamp, and will send you envelopes with postage already on them. all you will have to do is write on the card, address the envelope, and send some love out in to the world to encourage others you know to be brave. how cool is that? i know, so cool. why haven't you left your comment yet?

have a great thursday peeps. be brave, i can't be the only one, i need good company;) xo

hurdles

i had an appointment with my dentist this morning for a regular check-up.

i love my dentist.

i have been going to her for about 15 years. i first went to her when i was right out of college and lived in kirkland (hooch/em - the ol' LT days;)). since that time, i have lived as far as two hours (without traffic which never happens, so really it was like three to four hours) away, but i always kept the same dentist. she totally rocks and the drive was worth it. i love my hygienist too. big love from me in that office all of the way around. barrett and malena go to her as well, so they know our entire family.

as i was driving to the appointment, i realized that i would have to tell them the latest because they always want the updates - to note in my chart but also because they care. what i didn't realize as i was thinking about that was that it would be the first time i would tell someone who didn't know that i had stage iv cancer.

so as i did, the tears started to fall and stream down my face. those tears snuck up so fast i didn't even feel them coming on. it was surreal. i could hear my voice, i knew the words were coming out of my mouth, but it didn't seem like those words were ever meant to come from me (they should never have to be words that come from anyone).

it was rough, but they were awesome of course and gave me a lot of encouragement as i knew that they would.

another first hurdle in this stage iv race with the black beast.

but i cleared it, and i am still running.

ps) kelly - thanks for your great comment, if you leave me your email i will connect with you. tnx.