around here

"you will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. if you round out your edges, your lose your edge.

 

apologize for mistakes. apologize for unintentionally hurting someone -- profusely. but don't apologize for being who are you."

 

(danielle laporte)

 

 

around here we had our last friday morning starbucks date with her as a pre-k. we have the diploma to prove it. not sure where the time has gone, but it has gone so quickly.

so proud of her.

 

around here we celebrated two graduations, and i might have celebrated with a hard cider. or two. ok, ok, maybe three.

 

around here my mom made an awesome breakfast and i got to laugh with my family

at the start of a sunday morning.

it doesn't get much better than that.

 

around here we welcomed in the week with a monday night picnic at the park.

it was a gorgeous night and a perfect chance to catch up on each other's days.

we might have decided that a little frozen yogurt was a necessary stop on the way home.

i might have decided that i deserved some dark chocolate chips on top of it.

 

around here, i am thankful for these days. 

 

 



lights + trolls = good things

i have always wanted to have lights on our back deck, and each summer goes by, and it never happens. this summer i decided that it was going to happen.

last week malena and i picked up some awesome lights (thank you target) so that we could make our deck a little happier for the summer. earlier this week while barrett and i were out of town my dad made my light dreams come true by helping me out with my project. he added hook rings on to our deck posts and hung up and connected the lights.
i am so excited about how the project turned out (thanks dad!), i could just sit and stare at those lights every night. they make me pretty happy.

 in addition, i have these two guys keeping us company on the front porch and back patio (i got the blue guy at target this year and saw yesterday that he is now on clearance - i kind of wanted to buy more so he could have some buddies to hang out with). these two make me pretty happy as well, it feels like they watch over the flowers and make sure that everything is growing as it should.

yep, it doesn't make much to make my summer nights a little bit happier. if you are looking for me this summer, you might be able to find me on my back patio hanging out with my blue friend and my awesome lights. maybe i will have a cold cider in my hand as well. just maybe.

i hope that you all have a great weekend, ours should be a good one. we have a pre-k graduation party tomorrow for malena, how is that even possible? next stop is kindergarten, how is that even possible? i don't know either. campouts. sleeping in (which i can't wait for because there has not been enough of it around here this week). family time celebrating my niece's graduation (go taylor). hopefully some time in the craft room, and a little bit of catch up on life in general.

enjoy yours, i hope that it finds you doing something that makes your summer nights just a little bit better too. xo

days

there are days when you get good news and you can physically feel the relief. i had one of those days today when i heard from beth that the results were in.

here is an update that she sent out in her own words:

" I just got a call from my surgeon. My pathology results are in.
The margins were clean and so were the lymph nodes!! There was a little residual cancer in the specimen. But they got it! He said it would now make me a Stage 1 diagnosis since radiation. He was so encouraging about my prognosis. We will talk about it more at my follow up appointment with him but he wanted to share it with me right away.
I will still need chemo but we are on the right track here and my body is responding. Everyone told me how large the tumor was since the beginning, so the fact that they got it is amazing.
It's interesting but I wasn't worried about the pathology results. You all have been sending all your prayers and everything you got at me. So thank you for that. Thank you for getting me to this point and thank you for getting me beyond this point. I am glad to be celebrating the good news with you all.
Thanks for your love, support and prayers."

whew, feels good to breathe again.

thanks for all of the prayers, love and mojo that you have sent her way -- keep it coming, clearly it is working its magic:)

rabi's day

yesterday we gathered to honor rabi.

there are many things that i will remember about the day.

all of the kind words that were said about him from so many. he clearly touched countless lives in a million different and positive ways.

the tears.

the hugs.

all of the family that gathered, and so many of the peterson's friends.

the fact that the church was standing room only and it felt like everyone in the town was there to pay their respects. just one of the many signs that he was well loved and respected.

the blue sky and sunshine.

the pictures capturing many of the big and day to day moments of rabi's life, each one so special and important.

the music.

there are two other parts of the day that i will never forget.

as we were landing in minnesota early in the morning, the sunrise was gorgeous out of the window of the plane.

as we left rabi and susie's house late in the day, i turned back to look at the house one last time and the sun was setting right over the top of the house. it could not have been more perfect, so i asked barrett to stop so i could jump out and take a picture.

i will always remember that sunrise and sunset, i am pretty sure that rabi ordered them up directly for his day.

memorable bookends on a day spent remembering a memorable man.

one who will always be remembered.

one who will always be missed.

gone but definitely not forgotten.

champions never are.

the view

this has been my view for the entire weekend. looking out at the sunshine from my couch as i fight a terrible cold that has left me miserable and with no energy. like everyone, i hate being sick, i especially hate it on a weekend when the sun is out and i have one million things that i need to be doing. ugh. i also don't like knowing that my immune system is not doing great as i work so hard to keep it in as good of shape as possible.

beth has been doing well this weekend, and it looks like she is going to be able to head home tomorrow. she has been getting up and walking around, dropping off the epidural and some of the pain meds, and moving off of a liquid diet. here an update she shared in her own words from the weekend:

"I am at the end of the second day of recovery. My doctors seem pleased with my progress. I am on clear liquids today and will be on real food tomorrow.

Still having trouble with low blood pressure. They think it's likely due to the epidural. The more I get up as well will be helpful. So they have been lowering my dose of the epidural to help with the blood pressure but then I hurt more and need to keep getting up more since that is good for my recovery. So it is a balancing act.

 I did 2 short walks today. The first one I got really lightheaded and the second one went better. Obviously I will have pain for awhile. It's the wound on the inside of my leg that hurts the most. And that will be there for awhile. Still 3 weeks before I can sit.

I am also running a low grade fever. I was last night at least and feel hot again. They check vitals quite frequently. The first night it was every hour. Last night it was every few hours so I got some sleep in slightly larger blocks.

I am so thankful to have my parents here to help both now and when I get home because I won't be able to take care of myself for awhile. Thanks for your messages, visits, flowers, prayers and the list goes on.

They are thinking I can go home on Monday. I need to be eating so I can transfer to oral pain meds and off the epidural and then we will see how my movement goes.

Just wanted to give you all a quick update. My surgeon, not the plastic surgeon, reinforced that he thought the surgery went great. Pathology results will be back next week. No matter what they say I will still have my chemo treatment.

Thank you for your continued love, support and prayers."

i also wanted to share this update on chase as well as he had his latest round of updates at mayo last week:

"Another successful recap with Mayo! Instead of making the hour and half drive, we talked them into a conference call! In a nutshell , all was good. The DR. team met and collectively agreed that Chase is headed in the right direction.
-His lungs look great, no infections, there was one sign of a small bacteria with a rating of 1-4, 4 being the strongest. His was a 1. :)
-His tone is one of our concerns. We have decided to put him on a new med. Dantrolene. We are hoping that this will kick in and help his little arms out.
-His puking still exists. We were given 3 options. 1. put in a J tube. 2. start another new med, Regland. This we have decided to wait on for now because we have already started a med for his tone. We feel that the tone med is more important for right now. 3. Do nothing, hoping the tone med will take over and the puking will stop. We have chosen number 3.
-Weight. Chase has been consistent with his weight. He hasn't lost anything but hasn't gained anything either. We all know he has grown in length by looking at his legs, but his weight is another story. His dietician has suggested that we add in a calorie boost. An oil that has added fats and calories. We will be giving this 3 times a day with his meds. Hopefully that will help and he can put on a couple of pounds.
All in All, it was a good visit. The team agreed that Chaser is heading in the right direction. We will take this as a positive - Ill be it slow, but hey......its improving! We are going to be down there again in three months for another tune-up. Until then, we are going to keep pluggin along and watching the improvements .. Have a great weekend- Looking forward to Chasers Golf Event on Monday sponsored by the Keys Cafe.

God Is Good!"
i am going to be off the blog for a few days as we head east to say goodbye to rabi. please send your love and prayers to the peterson family and all those that love and miss rabi as we gather on monday.

sidenotes:
+++ anything my friends liz and kelly do is magic, i can't wait for this one move class to begin next month.
+++ i just got one of these banners that i will be putting up on our collage wall and i love it. i could have ordered every single banner and been pretty happy about it. swoon.
+++ i ordered a couple of these jars as a gift (i got some of the little bird jars and they are super cute
+++ i have been eyeing these for quite a while
+++ i am pretty sure that i have never seen anything made with felt that is as cool as this

a champion hangs up his gloves

tonight in minnesota rabi finished the final round of his fight, and hung up his boxing gloves for the last time like the true champion he was.

tonight is one of those nights where i feel like my heart has broke into a million pieces and i can hear them clinking around in my feet with every step i take. i think that i will hear those pieces for many days to come.

i feel so lucky that i got to be part of his family, and to see him every summer when we were back in minnesota. he was always so kind, and his smile and laughter would light up any room he was in. you could tell how much he loved his family just by the way that he looked at them, especially in the moments when he would watch them from a distance with a huge smile on his face. i will never forget the moment i shared with him last summer. it will forever be my most favorite memory with him, and i am so thankful that i get that one all to myself. i will forever cherish it.

as was already the plan, i will carry rabi with me every step i take while i am running until that 10k in september which i will run in his honor. i look at my shoe every run i go on and i can't help but smile when i see his name, i feel like i can hear him cheering me on.

he was a fighter and a champion and a good man, one of the very best.

he will forever be remembered.

he will forever be missed.

the world lost a great man today, but he will live on in the hearts of all of those that were lucky enough to know and love him.

i am so very thankful that i was one of the lucky ones.

please send your love, mojo and prayers to minnesota to rabi's family and to all that are missing him.

+++ i also want to give an update on beth's surgery today. surgery went well and they did not encounter any surprises (so thankful for that) and it was a little less invasive then they thought it was going to need to be (so thankful for that). she is in her own room now and is not in any pain thanks to the meds (so thankful for that). please keep sending her your prayers, love and mojo as she starts to recover from the surgery. you've got this beth, there is no doubt about it. you are a fighter, keep picking up your gloves my friend.

back in the office + beth

 

today was my regular check-in appointment with my derm. this is what it looks like while i am waiting for him to come in. staring at the floor, while the clock goes tiiiiick toooock. but all was good today, no biopsies, nothing he was worried about. so thankful for that. as i sat on the table waiting to hear the knock on the door and his voice say "hi alli" in the way it has so many times before, i thought about that first time i walked in that very room.

the day i was diagnosed. i was in his office 30 minutes after the nurse called and told me it was cancer. i was told to go directly to his office, he was a derm and would know what needed to happen next. i sat in the right chair, barrett sat in the left chair. the nurse (who has been my nurse every time i have been there since) said "it is good that you caught it". i remember looking at her and thinking i have no concept of what the "it" even is that you are referring to. the doctor coming in, looking at my mole, telling me that he was not going to be able to help me, i would need to be referred to seattle cancer care alliance. he would put the call in that day. i should expect to have an appointment at the beginning of the week. the docs are good at cancer care, you will be in good hands. he would see me after i knew what the next steps would be. i had absolutely no clue what the next steps would be, and that was terrifying. i remember leaving his office in total shock. just like that, within one hour, our lives had just turned upside down. i remember calling my mom. i remember every moment of that afternoon because it is burned in my brain.

my appointments that come close to my diagnosis anniversary always find me a little raw. this time of year is always tough for me. the balance between being here and alive four years after my original diagnosis, the thought that i can keep on kicking cancer in the ass. the balance between being here and alive four years after my original diagnosis, the thought that i am getting closer to the point where they tell me it isn't good news and i don't have any options. i of course don't let those later thoughts creep in too often, but i can't say they aren't there. when you feel like you are living on borrowed time, the reality of it all sometimes leaves you sad, angry, scared, helpless, unsure, and petrified of whether the black beast is lurking just behind you in the shadows. on the worst days, all of those emotions came in swinging at the same time and it feels like you are gasping for air.

when i was keeping beth company the other night, she asked me if i think about cancer everyday. of course i would have liked to tell her no, but i am not going to be anything but honest with her. i do think about it everyday, some days more, some days less. but i always think of it the moment i walk into the bathroom in the morning, look in the mirror, and see the scar on my collarbone that always shows itself just above my pjs. the first reminder of the day that i will carry that one and so many more scars without me throughout the day, many the eyes can see, many they cannot.

wednesday is surgery day for beth. we got to see her last night at a dinner party that her parents threw for her close friends in the seattle area, it was a really nice evening. i wish that i could have been there with her for any other reason than cancer. please send your love, mojo, and prayers to beth tomorrow as she goes through surgery, and then on through the stages of recovery. i got her permission to share her latest update, as i thought it would be good for you to hear how she is doing in her own words on this evening before surgery. as you know, i think that the stories we live and share are important, and hers deserves to continue to be heard.

"I am sitting here in one of my superman t-shirts trying to get some strength for what is to come. My check in time is 6:15 AM tomorrow. uggh. Surgery will probably be around 8:30 like my surgeon told me at our appointment, but won't know for sure until I get there. Lot of surgery prep, put in the epiderul, go through the checklist, take my vitals, etc. It can take awhile. I figured I would be the first surgery, since it will be quite long. Probably 5-6 hours.
I am not looking forward to it. I don't think anything will go wrong with the surgery, but I am not looking forward to the recovery. I will be in a lot of pain. I won't be able to sit for a month. I will also have 5-6 incisions in my abdomen, so those always hurt and take awhile to be able to bend and move without pain, and the worst part will be what the plastic surgeon does. He is moving a muscle from the inside of my leg to the tumor area to bring healthy tissue to that area. So that will be really painful, and I won't be able to lift my leg for a few weeks because of that. So no stairs, can't step into my shower, will have to be careful about sleeping. I was thinking about that last night. I am finally able to sleep in 5+ hour stretches because I can move around again when I sleep. And I am going to go back to sleeping in short stretches probably for the next month or so.

Last night my parents threw a party to thank some of my "team" for all they have done for me so far - from visiting, to being my radiation buddies for those first couple weeks, to staying with me while they were gone, or taking me out, bringing me Gatorade, and the list goes on. There were more people who should have been there who have been helping - people at work, and people who aren't in state and others. But we tried to capture what we could. And that was so kind that they wanted to do that.

It was nice to be in a room of my friends and my parents. People who have been there for me and want to be there for me through this year and beyond. I tried to give a speech to thank them. I of course cried and didn't say nearly all I wanted to. But I hope everyone realizes how thankful I am for the support and how thankful I am to have them in my lives. I don't know if words can really convey that feeling. And that goes to all of you reading this. I know you all can't see me regularly, but you have conveyed you are cheering for me wherever you are.

And I had a lot of fun and I could still eat! Which is great. Today of course is clear liquids for surgery prep. But I got that night, that night to be in a room full of wonderful people. After I wasn't quite ready to go home, it was my last night like that for awhile, where I could do whatever I want and feel good. So Ken and I went to grab a drink and we sat outside at this restaurant by a fire pit on the edge of Lake Union. And it was a nice evening. And I got a little sad. Because this summer I don't get a lot of these nights. I don't get to make plans for the 4th of July, or go out on a friends' boat or to a BBQ, or do whatever I want. And that makes me sad. I have so enjoyed getting back to my "regular" life, working, doing things, spending time with friends, making lots of plans. So I am grieving letting that go right now. Before I was so sick so the last surgery just felt like an extension of everything else. But this time I am having to give up the life I want again for a bit. And then comes 4 months of chemo and I will likely feel sick from that, nauseated, tired, and have weird association with food/smells. It may be different, but those side effects are likely.

I have heard from many people that you give up a year of your life to cancer. And I only want it to be a year. I don't want cancer at all, so I don't even want to give it a year. I don't want this in my life. But it will be a part of my life, forever. But I hope it won't be a part of my life that makes me repeat this year, and I hope it becomes something I don't think about every day.

I bought concert tickets for a show at the end of August. I have no idea how I will be feeling, I will be on chemo by then. But I want to look forward to things, be with people and try to make plans and not let cancer and its side effects control my life. Because I hate that, and yes I mean to say hate. So I need to work on that for the latter part of this year.
My emotions are running high these days. I am grieving having to give up feeling good for awhile again.

I have enjoyed the past few weeks. I have crammed a lot in, coffee and lunch dates, plans in the evening, doing as much as I can and things that I enjoy. I have enjoyed being back at work and throwing myself into things. I did the best I could to get everything in place to be gone again for a few weeks. I am so appreciative of people at work who are picking up things for me while I am gone. I found out they are still holding my bi-weekly staff meetings, that made me happy they were still getting together like that. For World Cup we did a u pick 'em where we draw teams to cheer for. I have Cameroon and Columbia as my teams so I will watch a lot of World Cup over the next few weeks.

As I go into surgery and the next part of treatment, as scared and anxious as I am I want to try and hold on to the good memories, the people and that I will get this part of my life back.
My mom will update the site tomorrow night to let you know how surgery went. And when I can I will get back on.

As always, and never stop, thank you for your love, support and prayers."

have a good wednesday peeps.

send your love to beth.

do something fun on this day simply because you can and the day is yours to make it what you will.

make it something good.

beth and i both would really like that. xo