sometimes

sometimes you are just so grateful that there are so many things in the world that can bring you laughter. like jimmy fallon and emma stone having a lip sync battle. yep, sometimes that is just what you need.

what you'll need

"you’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. you will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things."

                                                                (jamie tworkowski)

 

                                                                            i agree.

around here

"allow beauty to shatter you regularly. the loveliest people are the ones who have been burnt and broken and torn at the seams, yet still send their open hearts into the world to mend with love again, and again, and again.

 

you must allow yourself to feel your life while you're in it."

 

(victoria erickson)

 

 

around here i am loving the above quote that my friend liz posted today.

 

around here i went to a glassblowing class and it was awesome. more on that soon.

 

around here we had campouts, smoothies, popcorn, little mermaid, and two mornings of sleeping in (which rocked).

 

around here we had a play date with a trip to the park, memory game, a restaurant in our living room with some very busy cooks and cashiers, all while wearing princess and fairy outfits.

 

around here i got some pictures developed from my trip to new york, and it made me want to hide in my friend kadeena's suitcase when she heads there later this week.

 

around here i downloaded elise's use your stash class and i kind of want time to stand still so that i can dive in.

 

around here i am really looking forward to wednesdays because elise's podcasts are so inspiring. i have a hard time going to work on thursdays because i just want to spend the day in my craft room.

 

around here i read this article and smiled to myself numerous times as i could relate to many of the things on the list, some people tell me i tend to trend towards a type a personality. i know, i don't get why they say that either;)

 

around here barrett and malena worked on our kiwi crate project and it was super fun as always.

 

around here i wished that the man behind me at costco realized that his cart didn't have breaks, and that brakes were what his hands were for, so that he didn't ram it into my ankles.

 

around here i am thankful when my favorite potato chips are in stock so that i can buy multiple bags to get me through the next couple of weeks.

 

around here i love hearing the words "mama, will you play with me"  --- even (insert deep sigh here) when it involves play dough (em -- i know that you hear me on that).

 

around here i have been seeing pictures from my friend jenny and wishing that she was my neighbor.

 

around here we had a great dinner with barrett's parents who are back from snowbirding in arizona and seemed to have brought some sunshine back with them.

 

around here i got in two runs over the weekend which felt really good. as i was running i thought about how crazy it is that i like to run, pretty sure that would have never have happened if melanoma hadn't entered my life and kicked me into gear to do things that i would not have otherwise ever dreamed of doing. it is helpful to remember the good things that have come from the bad.

 

around here i want this work week to be over because i am taking the next week off to be able to focus on getting through my scans. i am ready to just focus on myself and my family  and slow down.

 

around here my head is swirling with all of the things that i want to do if i get the all clear next week during scans. but as you know if you have read this blog long enough, i won't share those thoughts until after we get the results to not tempt the cancer fates to take my good thoughts away from me. but it is nice to have those thoughts, because there are moments when i think only about that list, and not about what the next six months will be like if i don't get good news.

 

around here i am growing increasingly anxious, scared, emotional, tired, you know it.

 

around here i am reminding myself that no matter what, i am going to fight.

 

around here, i might be saying just a couple of words that sound like "f*ck cancer" every now and then.

 

around here, i think that cancer deserves it.

 

 

 

 



dear weekend

dear weekend,

the above picture represents my energy level, especially after today when i worked for over 12 hours.

i mean it when i tell you that you are my favorite days of the week. hands down. no doubt about it.

i want you to know that i am really missing you, and i am super excited to see you again in two days. unlike others you may have to deal with, i totally appreciate you and know that you are special. 

i do have one favor to ask. please don't bring me work like you did last saturday, because if you do, we will have issues and neither of us want that now we do? it's not like i would break up with you (but if i did, we could totally still be friends), but we would have words for sure.

please keep planning all of the fun things that we can do together, and i will keep plugging away until we meet up again.

i miss you much,

me

ps) if my gas tank looks like this again while we are together, can you make sure that he is the one driving? thanks in advance, as you know pumping gas is my least favorite chore. of all time. ever. it is the worst. hands down. pretty much hate it. that is why i love oregon, you don't have to pump your own gas. best state ever. we should meet up there sometime soon.

locomotive

the last two nights have been vastly different.

sunday night malena and i had a campout in her room, girls night in sleeping bags. she wanted to have a special campout since it was easter, and so we did. a random sunday night fun night. count me in.

so of course because i was sleeping on the floor i tossed and turned, and then tossed and turned some more. at one point when i woke up, my eyes opened and looked at the nightlight that i bought for her last year. i wanted her to have that heart to look at each night and be reminded in the dark that i loved her. in that moment at about 2:45am, i was so thankful for being in that sleeping bag next to her and for that nightlight.

last night was a polar opposite. i got sick in the afternoon with fever/chills/nausea/muscle aches and was down for the count the rest of the day. a little ball of misery. it almost felt like an interferon kick start, like my body pulled up old memories of how i felt when i was going through treatment. it also made me a bit really anxious that it was something more than a bug, that something was really wrong. but i am better today so i have now almost successfully convinced myself that is must have been a bug. whew.

two weeks from tomorrow is results day. ugh. the usual pattern has begun. stress. anxiety. all of the emotions. the i should have done's. the i wish i would have done's. the i could have done's.  the i promised myself i would have done's. my heart racing because i feel like time is slipping through my fingers and there is just not enough of it. all of the mental games that i play with myself. the second hand ticking so loudly in my brain with everything i do. tick tock. tick tock. all of it coming on like a rushing cancer train that has lots its brakes.

choo choo. 

trying my best to stand back from the tracks.

thank you easter bunny

 

our weekend was a great one.

tons of family. tons of laughter. lots of hugs. you know i love all of those.

we (ok, i) ate some chocolate, and drank some hard cider. yum.

we dyed easter eggs, both the young and the not-quite-so-young-anymore. which totally makes sense since we are all still kids at heart right? right.

we got to hang out with this guy. i heart my dad.

we made funny faces.

we (ok, malena) played dress up and had a fancy tea party with our cousins which included some chocolate donuts and juice served on an actual tea set. the best.

we loved being surrounded by tulips.

 

we (ok, malena) loved wearing our new easter dress and decided that everyone should take a picture with us when they came into mema and papa's house.

we devoured my mom's famous eggs benedict that she makes every easter morning. so, so good. i am surprised i am not still at the table eating some now. i might need to head back there right now and have her whip up some more sauce (because there was none, zip, zero left).

 



we (ok, malena) found where the easter bunny hid the eggs and we found our baskets.

we finally got to meet the newest addition to our family in person. we love him. a lot.

we took some pictures just because if you can, you should.

i hope that whatever filled your weekend was good. xo

the little moments

one of her new favorite ways to play is to pretend to put on makeup. somehow we came across a you tube video that was a makeup tutorial on how to look like elsa from frozen. and she was hooked. so now we spend a lot of time pretending to put on makeup. it kicked up a notch this week when she decided that we would start to narrate our own makeup tutorials. which we did tonight. three times each. hers lasted about 10 minutes each time. this girl is serious about her tutorials. i love her dedication;)

and in those moments, when i snuggle up right next to her and listen to her animated voice and watch her look into her five inch mirror (which she pretends is the video camera), i quietly say my thanks. over and over again.

my thanks for these little moments that feel so damn big.