results

the results are in!

my lungs were clear!!

there is a spot on my liver that they are pretty sure is just fatty tissue. it was on last scans too but they got a better shot of it this time. because of that, i will be back in three months for another full round of scans, including the full body radioactive pet scan. if that shows the spot on my liver (or anything else) may be cancer, then we would discuss next steps which could include surgery and/or treatment.

but for today, we are so happy and relieved with the overall good news.

now we are off to celebrate!

thanks for all of the love and prayers --- they worked!!;) xoxo

scan day

scan day. ugh.

we did have one new surprise today. instead of drinking contrast for an hour, i had to drink two bottles of water. the radiologist changed up the negative/positive contrasts. lucky for me because it is so much easier to drink two bottles of water than two bottles of contrast. i will make that trade any day.

the rest of the day was typical. it took them about 20 minutes to get my iv in, my veins were not cooperating. that was not a fun 20 minutes.

even though i didn't drink the contrast, i still felt like hell all afternoon. so clearly the contrast i get through my iv during my scan still packs enough punch to make my day unpleasant. bummer, i was kind of hoping that i wouldn't feel so awful but that was just not meant to be. as usual, i crashed hard right after i got home.

while we were waiting after the scans to make sure that i didn't have a reaction, we ate some awesome snacks that ellie brought. sitting next to us was an older lady who had also just got done with a test. when she got up to leave, she told me to keep f&kcing cancer, i told her to the same. i have to say that one of the parts of going in for scans that brings me comfort is the kindness in every patients eyes that quietly acknowledge that they know you are part of the same tribe, and that they wish they too were anywhere else but there.

on this tuesday that needed a lot of love, we also got some good news. beth's radiologist confirmed that the tumor has not spread. that is the best news that could have come from the ultrasound so i am so thankful. beth has an important oncology appointment tomorrow to learn more about her treatment before and after scans, so please send her lots of love as she gets more answers. mary's surgery is now scheduled for february 11th. i told her that is the exact same day last year that i had surgery, and we got all of the melonoma in that one, and i know that her surgery will have the same results. mary sara's cousin's surgery also went well today and she was doing good in recovery. clearly, all of your love, mojo, and prayers worked their magic today and so i thank you.

it is now 11:44pm (i know stevie, past my bedtime but i am sure you understand). i am tired but don't feel like going to bed. the nightmares have been brutal and so i never like to try and sleep because i am afraid of what the night will bring. i am also scared more than you can imagine about what tomorrow will bring.

but tomorrow at 9:30 will come, whether i like it or not. the best i can do is hope and pray and believe that we will get good results.

so that is what i will be doing between now and then.

believing.

i know that you are all doing the same and i love you for that.

here we go again.

anywhere i go, you go. xo

storms + a tuesday that needs a lot of love

"whether or not storms come, we cannot choose.

but where we stare during a storm, that we can."

(max lucado)

 

 

well, here we go again.

 

i check in at seattle cancer care alliance tomorrow at 8:15 for the drill. we all know how it goes. needles. bloodwork. iv. saline. contrast. scans. more contrast. recovery for thirty minutes. head home. lay in bed and feel like complete crap all afternoon. ugh. results are wednesday morning at 9:30.

 

i am the usual mess of emotions. scared out of my mind. feel like i could cry at anything and everything. super anxious. can't sit still. exhausted. don't want to go to sleep because the nightmares have come back into town. all of the usual hell that i go through when these days roll back around.

 

tomorrow is also a day that others that i care about need some love, prayers, and mojo too.

 

mary is meeting with the surgeon tomorrow to determine timing and next steps for removing the melanoma tumors from her leg. so we need to send a lot of love to wisconsin as mary continues her journey to get rid of the black beast for the fifth time in that leg.

 

in seattle, beth is going to have another ultrasound to get a better idea of what she will be facing. so as she goes in for yet another test in the neverending series that comes with the diagnosis, please send her love, mojo, and prayers. i always hoped that my diagnosis was the fates way of telling me that i was going to take one for my team so that no one that i loved had to go through what i have had to. so to see beth go through the types of decisions, the ones you never wanted or thought you would have to make, that cancer deals you really makes me angry at the fates. but i know that no matter what the fates throw at her, she will fight like hell. i only have fighters on my team, so that pretty much goes without saying.

 

my friend mary sara's cousin is going in tomorrow for colon cancer surgery, and she is asking for prayers. so please send them out along the winds so that they reach her and her family tomorrow.

 

tomorrow my friend sharon goes in for her bloodwork to check her tumor markers, and her results come back next tuesday. sharon is a serious fighter and doesn't listen to cancer so i know that this round of bloodwork is going to come back clean and she will continue to do great.

 

my friend mike has just started his 6th round of chemotherapy for his lymphoma, and so he too can use a ton of prayers as he continues his fight against the "devil" (which is a name that i also think is pretty fitting for cancer).

 

so on this tuesday, there are a lot of us that need love, prayers and mojo. that is for sure. i can't tell you how much i wish that tomorrow was a tuesday when no one had scans, bloodwork, surgeries, appointments, chemotherapy, ultrasounds. but in order for that to happen there would have to be no more cancer.

 

i don't think that i could dream of a better day than what that day would like.

 

thanks for all of the love and support tomorrow on behalf of myself, mary, beth, mary sara, sharon, and mike. i know that i speak for all of us when i say that we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

 

i hope that you will do something fun this tuesday just because you can.

 

just because you can spend your day however you choose.

 

make it a good great one.

 

that would make me so, so happy.

anywhere i go, you go. xo

 

ps) auntie carolyn - thank you for the card, and as you can tell above, i loved the quote. xo

 

 

grammy night

i am watching the grammy awards as  i write this.

it is amazing how certain moments are forever imprinted in my memories.

last year, the grammys were on the night before my surgery.

i can remember that night like it was yesterday.

barrett, malena & i were sitting on the couch. malena was playing games on barrett's kindle.

my mom was sitting on the loveseat. she was looking at magazines and watching the show.

my dad was sitting in the recliner. he was reading the paper and watching the show.

we were all listening to the amazing music.

i was sending emails and text messages out to friends and family to let them know that barrett would let them know how surgery went and when i was in recovery.

i remember not wanting to go to sleep because i didn't want monday to come and was afraid the dark would bring nightmares. i was so very anxious, and now i know that i was so right to be so damn scared.

but if i could whisper something now to that girl who listened to the music and didn't want to face what was to come, i would  quietly tell her this.

you will still be able to hear the music.

you will just need to keep listening. and fighting. and believing.

around here

around here in the last week i have been working crazy hours at work so that i could take this entire next week off. 10-12 hour work days make for long days, and no energy at the end of the day (hence not much time in this space over the last week). i promised myself the last time i had scans and took the entire week off that i will always do the same. it is a huge relief to feel like the only thing that i have to focus on this next week is our family and whatever comes our way.

around here i got to have dinner with these two lovely ladies (hi hannah and briel - xo) that i met at the your story retreat last year. hannah has her own etsy shop where she has adorable hats that she makes, so if you are looking for an awesome hat made by an awesome person, check out hannah makes hats. there are still some spots open for the your story retreat 2014 (which i am already signed up for and so excited about), if you are interested check out all the information here. if you have been reading this blog long enough, you know that there are not enough words to say how much i loved my experience there last year.

around here we had a girls night with dinner and two hours of painting at our favorite pottery shop. i loved every second of it.

around here we have had popcorn, fruit smoothies, and a friday night campout.

around here we have had fun at chuck e cheese, played games, laughed, and enjoyed our saturday afternoon.

around here we have had our weekly friday morning starbucks date. we are now regulars, and i kind of love that.

around here we watched malena swim three sets of laps down the huge pool in her swim lessons. she is rocking her lessons. i love to watch her swim.

around here i saw these quotes and liked them. a lot.

around here i may, or may not, be thinking that i can't live without some of these ann-marie loves stamps. ok, i think that we all know that i may be thinking that i can't live without them.

around here i am, as always, a sucker for awesome lists. this week i was loving this one from elise blaha and this one from kelly rae roberts

around here i loved sleeping in on saturday morning, and i might have loved my saturday afternoon nap too. ok, we all know that i loved my nap.

around here i am loving watching malena design and draw clothes on her sketch book as we watch project runway.

around here i am not sure if i want time to speed up if this week will bring good news, or slow down if this will week will bring bad news.

around here i believe that it will bring good news.

around here that is harder to do than you can imagine.

good times + good news

this weekend we headed to suncadia for some fun, and we got exactly what we were looking for. it was great to have so much joy packed into such a short amount of time. s'mores by the fire on a beautiful night. sleeping in. blueberry pancakes for breakfast. ice skating (pretty sure that i am going to be on the olympic team in no time). tubing down a very fast sledding hill. swimming. hot tub. great spaghetti dinner. bounce houses. playing supersized connect four (and winning, don't ask barrett, but i am pretty sure that i won two and he won none - just sayin'). second round of s'mores by the campfire. egg breakfast with fruit and awesome cinnamon raisin toast. some more quick runs down the tubing hill. tons of laughter. amazing how much fun can get packed into a weekend when the only thing on your to do list is to have fun. loved it. a million new memories in the books, my most favorite part.

 

the last few days have also brought some good great news.

 

mary got confirmation on friday that she will not need to begin treatment in addition to surgery, yes!!! so she will meet with the surgeon soon to get the planning underway. i know that all of the happy mail we are going to send her will help keep that good mojo going her way.

 

jennifer got confirmation today that her biopsies came back clean, woohoo!!!! so, so happy about that.

 

i think that 2014 took my last letter pretty seriously and is starting to turn things around, i knew that we would get on the same page.

 

happy tuesday peeps, may it bring you some fun and good news of your own. xo

 

 

dear 2014 (part iii)

dear 2014,

you and i are off to a rocky start for a couple of reasons. apparently, my previous letters to you were not clear enough, so let me get really specific to avoid any further confusion.

i don't want you to allow cancer to mess with any of my friends within your 365 days. period. you have allowed cancer to mess with mary. you have allowed cancer to mess with beth. you had jennifer do biopsies today, and now we wait on results (which i am pretty sure you know that i hate, but i am also pretty sure the results won't include the word cancer). none of it is ok. not by a long shot.

i am not sure what you are trying to prove. fear. anxiety. stress. tears. heartache. just to name a few. yes, you are proving those in spades.

but i feel like since we are only sixteen days in to the start of you, i need to give you the benefit of the doubt. which is very hard, because you scare the absolute shit out of me, even more than you did on day one (i think you would agree that you have given me every reason to not trust you so far).

but deep deep deep down, i believe.

i promised myself that i would.

so here i go.

i believe that you are going to get mary, beth, and jennifer through whatever is going to come their way next.

i believe that mary and beth are going to kick cancer's ass, and that jennifer is going to scare cancer so bad that it doesn't even try to show up in those biopsy results.

i believe that they will be surrounded by a lot of love, prayers, and mojo no matter what comes.

i believe that good people will rally and show them that they are supported.

i believe that they will be stronger in ways that they don't even know yet is possible.

i believe that compared to every hard thing you throw at those that i love, there will be even more good things to come their way.

i believe that in the end, you will have been a year that will forever change lives.

but i also believe, that in the end, love wins.

with all due respect 2014, not even you can change that.

sincerely,

me