time

"you gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing that you think you cannot do"

(eleanor roosevelt)

my derm appointment on friday went great. he didn't see anything that he was worried about and so i am good to go until december unless i notice that something has changed with my skin. that was a big relief, i was very thankful to not have more results to be waiting on.

the weight of the scan results is still pretty heavy. i feel very overwhelmed by those results. on one hand, i know that in six months, we may find that the spot has not grown. even if it has grown, and we biopsy it, it may not be melanoma. i know that. i try really hard to remember that. but then there is the other hand, i don't like that one as much. that hand is the one holding melanoma. sometimes i feel like i literally hear a clock going "tick tock, tick tock" in my brain counting down the seconds of my life.

this is a hard place to be. i really want to put those scans that are in the future out of my brain and just focus on this year and making the most of out of it. but i also want to get some of the things done that i want taken care if those scans aren't good. i want to scrapbook photos for malena. i want to do our wedding album. i want to get our will finalized. i want to try new recipes. i want to make creme brulee for the first time. i want to get a card published in my favorite craft magazine. i want to play with malena as much as possible. i want to have date nights with barrett. i want to hang out with my friends and laugh. i want to spend time with my family. the list goes on and on. with that clock in my head, i get really overwhelmed with how much i want to do and how quickly those ticking seconds pass by.

the big reason that i get overwhelmed is that there is just so much that i want to do and i want to feel like i have all of the time that i need to do them. but we never know how much time we have, as evidenced again by the very tragic events in colorado. 

part of what i also struggle with when thinking about those things that i want to do is that it feels like by actually doing them i am checking things off of my list before something bad happens. so then i don't get started. a vicious little repetitive cycle.

i am really scared of what is to come, i am even more scared that it won't be good. i try to be brave and strong most of the time, but there are times when i really just want to curl up in a little ball because i feel too paralyzed and overwhelmed to know what to do next.

but life doesn't wait for me to be scared, those seconds keep ticking.

so i will just keeping putting one foot in front of the other. taking in one deep breath at a time.

i will end up wherever i am meant to be, and i am sure that i will be right on time.

good start

she still speaks to the little girl

who wanted to be an artist, a doctor,

a poet, a wing-walker. she listens

when that little girl talks, when she

paints pictures of the clouds, when

she draws something huge in sidewalk

chalk. she makes her every day a place

for old dreams and new dreams, dreams

that tower and dreams that whisper.

my 37th year is off to a great start. lots of kind words and sentiments from friends and family. lots of cake. laughter. reisling. surprises. perfect gifts. lots of love.

it has been a great start to this next year of life. whatever it may bring.

my dermatologist appointment is in the morning. i am carrying a lot of good energy from this week with me so i am ready.

i hope that you all have a great weekend. xo.

another year

i will not die an unlived life. i will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. i choose to inhabit my days, to allow living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. i choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

(dawna markova)

hello 37, it is good to see you.

thanks for coming, i wasn't sure you would show up.

xo.

a mile for melanoma

on saturday morning the three of us did a one mile walk to support melanoma research on the seattle waterfront. we had heard about the walk when we went to the melanoma clinic earlier this year, but i knew the walk was going to fall on the weekend after my scans. honestly, i didn't know if i would feel up to doing it, so i didn't register or tell anyone about it but kept it as a possibility in the back of my mind.

on thursday i decided that the three of us should do it. i felt like it would be something that we could do to mark this week and circle the wagons a bit. i am not sure why i made that final decision. i think that a big part of it is that i needed to do something productive before the 16th rolled around. two years ago tomorrow is when i got the call.

i am as anxious this year as i was last year. i know it will be ok, but that part of my brain is constantly being overriden by the other part that knows that the 16th hasn't been so kind to me before.

i thought about the 16th when we were on the walk, but mostly i thought about how glad i  was that the three of us were together and that the long week was winding down.

+++ barrett & i getting ready to start walking

+++ malena & baby getting ready to start riding

+++ the fog was thick and low on the waterfront

+++ a spider web with a little morning dew

+++ i liked this image with the space needle included but not obvious at first glance

+++ malena enjoying a granola treat after her long ride



+++ we ended with a little walk through myrtle edwards park where we saw this peice of art and the red really stood out against the dull morning sky

i will be happy when my derm appointment is over on friday, if i leave with no stitches. if there is a biopsy, i will be happy when the results come back clean. i not going to consider the other option as i think that i am due for a break, and some sleep, soon.

hope your weekends were as great as mine. xo.

i knew it

when i got the news about going to portland, one of my very first thoughts was that i was getting good news on monday because i was going to get crappy news today.

i called it.

the scans showed that there is a spot on my right lung that has increased. but it is not at a size that they can biopsy. the spot is located towards the edge of my lung. that is a good location for it to be in case we need to do a biopsy. we will do another round of scans in 6 months. if the spot has increased again, depending on the size, we will do the biopsy at UW medical center. if it has increased to a size we can get in there, i will do it. already decided that before we walked out of the room with the doctor today. if i could have scheduled that biopsy today, i would have.

i am really, really tired. might actually sleep tonight because i feel so exhausted. tough day. i had really hoped that i would get all clear results and would be given the green light for a year of no scans. i had really hoped that i would get the ability to make some decisions that would not have to be based on more scans in 6 months, and not knowing what i will need to do depending on those results.

thanks for all of the good vibes today. it helps to know how many people are rooting (and singing - thanks mh!) for me.

i know that whatever comes, i am not alone.

for knowing that on this day, i am so thankful. xo.

contrast, i hate you

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

(the journey, mary oliver)

so today was scan day which made it a long day. i worked the first part of the day, and then headed over for my scan around 2:30. my dear friend ellie (thank you ellie, you rock!) came with me to keep me company during the entire process which takes about 2 hours or so. you all know the drill, as i have wrote before what scan days are like.

today was the same routine. when i went back for my blood draw, my veins were not cooperative. i am not sure why they wanted to be mean today, but i was not appreciating their unwillingness to work with the nurse. before the nurses (yes, not one - but two - nurses had to try and get my veins to cooperate) got the line they needed, i was poked in both arms with my right arm taking the brunt of the attempts. so after three times of poking and trying to work the iv around to hit the vein (which i find to be a miserable experience, it actually hurts worse than the poke from the needle), it finally worked. then they pumped the saline into the iv, and you know how i feel about that taste.

so then i had one hour to drink the two containers of the contrast solution that i have to finish before the scan. i have complained about it before, but i will complain about it again (it is my blog so i can do what i want and you basically have to listen, right?;)). i hate that stuff. it is berry flavored (which i think might actually make it worse because it is a disturbing fake fruit flavor). but today i had the choice of cold contrast or room temperature contrast. i chose cold, figured it might make it more tolerable. not sure that decision actually proved to be the right choice but live and learn.

personally, i don't think that having to drink something that comes with a picture of your insides on it is something anyone should have to do. can we agree on that? ugh.

so while i was chugging the contrast to make my one hour deadline, ellie and i caught up on the latest with each other - and with katie and tom:)

after one bottle of contrast was down, ellie was being my cheerleader and reminding me that once i finished my scans, i could have treats (i have to fast before the scans so i was seriously hungry - having to fast and then drink the contrast on an empty stomach is basically torture). you know that eating cinnamon bears post-scan are my big reward, and today i had a jackpot day thanks to ellie, abby, and rob (so lucky to have good friends making sure that i have my needed bears to get me through the day).

i got called back and had a couple of major gulps of contrast to finish. those last chugs were brutal because by that point my stomach is already getting pissed off because it hates contrast and always gets really upset afterwards. as i was finishing the gulps, ellie told me that she could tell by the look of me that i was definitely over the contrast. she is a very smart girl.

once the scans were done (and yes, the same ceiling tiles were there), ellie and i got to snack on pumpkin bread (kerry - it is still sooooooo good), chips, cinnamon bears, chex mix, etc. we came prepared and were not messing around with eating when i got done with the scan.

after i dropped ellie off, i headed for home. traffic really sucked. my stomach really sucked. those two things sucking at the same time is not a good (aka miserable) combination. i got home and immediately went to bed. was down for about three hours before malena woke me up for her bedtime so that i could read stories.

it is now 11:42pm and my stomach is still really pissed off. i kind of appreciate the fact that it hates scans too, but also wish it would cut me some slack since it knows i hate them too.

tomorrow is almost here.

so like the kelly rae roberts piece my parents gave me tonight, i will just practice a little courage and try to get a little rest tonight if i can.

thanks for all of the good thoughts, i will carry them with me into my appointment tomorrow.

xo.

this i know

today did not end up how i thought it would, for probably the hands-down best reason possible.

i will give you more details tomorrow when it isn't 11:34pm and i just got home from an unexpected whirlwind trip to portland and back. i am so tired i might actually get a little bit of sleep tonight. that would be an extra bonus to this already fabulous day.

here is a hint about the unexpected change of plans in my day...sometimes getting on a waiting list is the absolute best idea you can ever have. sometimes it just all works out.

yep, no dermatologist appointment today. that appointment will now occur on friday the 20th.

i got to fulfill a dream today.

sometimes dreams really do come true.

this i know.

sidenotes:
+++ thank you so much for all of the good vibes and mojo that you all are sending my way. i can feel it working, it might even corrupt the scan machine tomorrow since i will have so much good energy radiating from me. maybe the good energy will crack those damn ceiling tiles too;)
+++ kerry - you make the best (and i mean THE BEST) pumpkin bread in the universe. you need to open a bakery asap. please. i am begging.
+++ kadeena - you lit it up like the big box of crayolas.
+++ jill - you rock, can't wait to dive in and start turning the pages and am super excited about my good luck charm.
+++wallace - i think that taffy from nj can only bring good vibes and sunshine so i am ready to try it out.
+++ chris - i could have ate that entire container of brownies between tacoma and sammamish. but i didn't. but i could have.