friday, are you here yet?

seriously. today was a long day. i mean looooooooooooong day. work was rough, one problem after another. that always makes for a brutal run at the office.

then i had the pleasure of riding a super crowded bus. when i got to my car, i had the following note on my windshield:

apparently i didn't park far enough within the lines. i will keep this note in my car so that i can use it when this happens to me again. i guess i should be thankful she didn't key my car (right kelli?;)).

about ten minutes later, i rolled into daycare where this note was waiting for me:

yep, nothing better than dora underwear and poop to end the day. totally appreciated the note. the wrapped up bag of poop and underwear attached to malena's bag wasn't a good enough clue. the fact she was wearing different pants also did not make it clear. couldn't have put that one together on my own without the note.

so, friday, i am not sure what is taking you so long, but you need to hurry the hell up. if i get one more note i will officially be pushed over the edge.

seriously, get a move on. don't make me write you a note, it won't be nice.

time

"we are reminded how short life really is, and how we are just passing through.

so, all the people you haven't told you love lately, tell them,

and live your days like you mean it"

(hall sutton)

today was a strange day for me. when i was getting off of the bus, i realized that my oncologist's office had not called me to schedule my scans in january. i made a mental note to myself to call later in the day and check in with them to see what the status was on getting the appointments booked.

when i got into the office about 5 minutes later, i had an email telling me that a woman i know of through work (not personally) had passed away from lung cancer. she was diagnosed in august. she is gone now. i forwarded on the email to other colleagues that needed to know the news. without feeling it coming, i then had tears streaming down my face. in part because i was so sad that was her story. in part because her story scared me and sent me spinning for a little bit. but i am used to being scared now, so it took a little bit of time but i pulled it together and continued on with my day.

one of my best friends had some moles biopsied this morning. i trust that he is my counterbalance for the day, and he will get clean results. trying to figure out how to make time move faster so that he gets clean results sooner than later. couldn't quite figure it out today, have to add it to my to-do list tomorrow.

out of the blue, around 10am i got a call from my oncologist's office telling me my scans are booked for january 10th and results will be on january 11th. the morning had come full circle without any help from me. now when i think about the new year, i will immediately be thinking of my scans that wait for me on the other side of it.

you can probably guess what my new year's wish will be. i came up with it at about 10:05am this morning.



take what you need

how awesome would it be if these signs were everywhere and you could take what you need when you needed it? love that idea. on kelly rae robert's blog she has this sign available to download - for free!!!! i will be doing so immediately. kelly rae roberts is one of my most favorite artists in the world and i have surrounded myself with many of her pieces in our home. i have one of her pieces in my living room, one in a hallway, one at my craft desk, and one at my desk at work. i really connect with them and i like getting to see them each and every day. i have big love for her and her paintings. i would highly recommend checking out her shop if you need the perfect gift for a woman in your life. spread the kindness. take what you need. i bet you will get what you need in return, maybe when you least expect it. 

thank(full)

"there are people who take the heart out of you,

and there are people who put it back"

(elizabeth david)

on this november night, i am feeling very grateful for the joys of my friendships.

- the amazing friends (both the guys and the gals) i am surrounded by who continue to bring me so much joy, in ways too limitless to count, in ways they may not even realize
- the sound of their laughter. the knee slaping, smile beaming, laughs all around type of laughter. i have always loved that sound, but after the last year when there more days without laughter than with, i love the sound of my laughter combined with theirs more than ever
- memories shared with friends that will always be times to remember and hold close. knowing that those memories can never be taken away from either of us
- the fact that it doesn't matter how often we see each other (both for those that live close and those that live far), we can pick up as if there had not been a day in between that we hadn't talked
- knowing that when i need help, i have friends who will come running regardless of what i need and when i need it, them knowing that i would do the same for them

more than ever, i try hard to really focus and remember moments in time. i now take the time to just watch my friends as they laugh, talk, cry, whatever the emotion is at the time i am with them. whether it is time spent over something good or something that needs fixing, it is a moment with them in my life that i will never get back. i want to remember them all and hold tight to the memories.

as i continue to move through life after treatment, there also continue to be ups and downs. the truth is that it has been a tougher transition for me than i had anticipated (not that i really had a clue how it would be and am still learning as i go) for different reasons. but i can do this. i have friends to help me through. to make me laugh. to make me cry (in good ways). to listen. to hug me. to sit with me. to encourage me. to support me in a million different ways.

while i think about what may or may not (let's hope that includes recurrence) happen in the future, i know that i will have my friends beside me.

that is one of the things that cancer has not taken from me, and couldn't even if it tried.

i am thank(full) every second of every day for my friends. they continue to help me put my heart back. they are my heart.

i am - and always have been and always will be for all of the days i have to come - so very, very grateful.

dear 16 year old me

i posted this video this summer on facebook. a melanoma blog that i follow had the link to it this weekend and i watched it again. it made me cry just like it did the first time that i watched it. i think that no matter how many times i will watch it, it will have an impact on me. on saturday i think that it had a more distinct impact because i was just about to get my my hair cut when i saw the link. though i like my new short hair, it is still emotionally tough for me to get my hair cut because i feel all out of sorts to not have my long, curly hair anymore. so my emotions were already running a little bit higher than usual (they are still running pretty high as i continue to feel like i am detoxing off of the interferon). hearing some of the parts of this about not wearing sunscreen and tanning beds made my stomach turn because i thought about choices that i made previously in my life. as i have heard before, when you know better, you do better. i certainly know better. i hope that if you know better now too from knowing me, that you will do better as well. i hope you do it for yourself. but, you are also doing it for me, because i like having you around and i don't want you to go through what i have had to. i sometimes like to think about my fight as taking one for the team, so don't prove me wrong.

dear 16 year old me, on july 16th, 2010 you will be diagnosed with melanoma. it will rock you to your core. but, you will survive it with the help of family and friends and a whole lot of determination. you will have a great life and a gorgeous little girl to fight for, she will hands down be one of your most favorite people on the planet. i can't wait until you meet her. she will be worth it all.

weekender

if i could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. (unknown)

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today was a big (and i mean huge) day at our house. malena has moved up to a big girl bed. this is a milestone day. the crib (thanks again ann!) was dismantled (which stirs many emotions for me which will be a topic of a future blog) and the big girl bed was assembled. she was so excited all she wanted to do was be in her room. it was so fun watching her sit up, lay down, sit up, lay down, organize her blankets, rearrange her animals (telling them to smile for pictures), take multiple pictures of her bed/blankets/animals and saying "got it" after each and every click. i can't believe that our little girl is almost three. the time has gone by in the blink of an eye. i have loved every millisecond (even the brutal potty training ones that continue), and i look forward to every millisecond to come.

some fun things that i came across this weekend and thought i would share...
- this cover of adele's "someone like you" - thanks jon for sharing, really like this male/female version of the song.
- this new magazine. if you love ideas for hosting parties, this is the eye candy you have been waiting for. i am already scheming the next party we could have when i am feeling better.

- these awesome handmade custom pieces of art that show family trees in a totally new and imaginative way.
- this fabulous on-line bakery shop with some of the cutest cupcake picks i have ever seen, i now have on order on the way to my house. more baking is one of the many things on my "i will do this after treatment" list so i figured that some fun things would be good motivation to get started.

the last two links are ones that my mom had seen in magazines, so we sat side by side last night (after some good glasses of reisling) and did a little on-line shopping. super fun.

lastly, the winner of the card giveaway this week was michelle - woohoo, will hand deliver the cards to you this week my dear. here is the bonus one:

unlike most sundays, i actually look forward to tomorrow. i am taking the day off to spend the time with my mom as we celebrate her birthday. a fun day is planned, topped off with trick or treating with dora (oops, i mean malena).

happy halloween all, hope you get more treats than tricks. xoxo.

bubble wrap

i wish that when my friends were hurting i could wrap them up in bubble wrap to protect them from the pain. it is tough for me to see my friends hurting. short of being able to completely protect them, the best i can do is love them and support them. i happily do so.

ideally, i would be able to give one of these pieces of art to my friends when they are hurting.

i found this piece on jennifer lyon's etsy site and had to have it. i had seen a version of this in a pottery barn catalog, but is was just part of the background on a layout and not an actual item they sold. lame. when i saw the saying, it connected with me. i needed a reminder that even when things seem pretty tough, there can be a little bit of hope. i hit the jackpot when i found this one on etsy. i immediately hung it in my front room so i would see it every morning when i walked (sometimes very slowly) down the stairs.

since last week many of you weren't able to comment, and i think that i have fixed that problem, i am going to do another card giveaway this weekend. if you leave a comment on the blog by 5pm sunday, you will be entered into the giveaway. just like last week, i will send the cards, with stamped envelopes. here are three cards, i will add another bonus one in in the mix. the photo card is a denise hamilton (aka nerd) original. good luck peeps.

friday - i have really missed you since last week. so happy that we are back together again.